Fear of having children. Ambiguous sensations plague me, how can I find peace of mind?

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Among the large number of phobias known to modern medical science, there are many very exotic diseases, the existence of which an ordinary person does not even know. One example of such ailments is pedophobia or fear of children. What is this disease? What is its logical explanation and why can one be afraid of children - the most harmless and innocent creatures in our world? Pedophobia combines several fears at once.

What it is

Pedophobia is the fear or dread of any contact with children, especially close contact. This disorder also includes fear of having children, which may be one of the causes of infertility. In advanced cases, even a doll or any other product that looks like a baby can cause a phobia.

What is the reason that causes this irrational fear? There is a theory that this phobia is caused by the fear of discovering pedophilia in oneself, which is an absolute taboo in modern society. It is this fear that makes a person avoid children and any contact with them. Moreover, it can make a person suspicious of those people who interact normally with children.

From this point of view, it is easy to explain such a phobia. In our society, anyone who commits violence or sexual assault against children does not deserve to be justified. In addition to public censure, such actions are subject to serious criminal penalties.

This phobia can arise for another reason. Some people do not perceive children as equal individuals; they consider them to be a kind of “subhuman” with whom it makes no sense to communicate. Today, a new trend has even appeared (it is mainly presented on the Internet) “childfree”. People who support him consider children to be an obstacle to a normal and fulfilling life. Probably, followers of this movement can be classified as pedophobes.

This phobia does not greatly affect the life of an adult, with the exception of rare moments. But this disorder makes future family life and the birth of one’s own children impossible. This phobia is quite difficult to treat and requires the intervention of an experienced psychotherapist.

In some cases, this subconscious fear can lead to infertility.

Basic information about the effects of fear of children

So, what is the phobia of fear of children called?
In professional circles, the neurosis is called paedophobia. This includes people who are afraid of communicating and being around children, both their own and strangers. Due to the development of such fear, very often young couples refuse to have children. With the development of neurosis, the degree of fear can develop into mania - sometimes such people are even afraid of dolls in the form of babies. It is important to say that social research around the world shows rather disappointing statistics. Today, many parents are afraid of their children. Moreover, this can manifest itself even in small things - for example, adults do not dare to once again raise their voices at the baby, so as not to receive a loud and violent reaction in response. This phobia of fear of children becomes the cause of antisocial behavior in the child.

At the same time, a reverse reaction can also be observed - unmotivated aggression and shouting at the small members of our society. People suffering from pedophobia may not understand the reasons for such a reaction, which in turn may well be hidden in a person’s early childhood. For example, such fear in men can manifest itself as a result of a serious childhood trauma. Very often, for example, the eldest child in the family suffers from this problem, who did not receive attention due to the birth of his younger sister/brother. Also, in men, the manifestation of fear can be caused by more serious deviations - sexual attraction to children. But since such acts are criminally punishable, a person begins to distance himself from children, thereby developing a phobia.

In women, the fear of having a child may be based on early childhood memories, for example, if she heard from her parents that she was unwanted, or that they wanted to get rid of her. Also, women very often worry about their inexperience - not knowing how to handle their child, how to raise him, treat him, and so on. Unlike representatives of the stronger sex, for women, the root cause is often the likelihood of a change in lifestyle, familiar and established atmosphere. In addition, the phobia often develops against the background of the fear of losing a child - that is, not being able to bear a child, not giving birth, not being able to raise it properly.

Infertility as a form of paedophobia

The fear of having your own children can have different reasons. Some of them are connected with the past of the person himself, others are caused by self-doubt, in one’s social and financial situation. Another reason is fear of responsibility.

In this case, a young couple facing a similar problem should consult a psychotherapist.

It should be said that this phobia is quite rare and does not have pronounced symptoms.

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Fear of having children

Katya, good afternoon.

Fear of having children is a very common phenomenon. But nevertheless, in all women susceptible to this fear, it manifests itself differently; the reasons for its occurrence or triggering mechanisms can also vary significantly.

From your text it is clear that you have done a lot of work on a rational level in order to defeat this fear, but if it is, as you write, somewhere in the depths of your soul, then the mechanisms for triggering it are of an emotional, not a rational nature. And this mechanism may not be a simple stimulus-response scheme. Your fear may have some kind of image, it may become part of some kind of inner drama of yours, one of its “characters”. And apparently, this fear very skillfully eludes your mind.

Sometimes people manage to conduct “self-analysis” and identify the sources of their unconscious problems and fears. But most often these insights are accidental. It is more reliable and easier to solve this problem with a psychologist. But if you don’t have the opportunity to work with a psychologist, then we’ll try to set up nets and lay out baits on which your fear may jump out.

As I understand you, you asked your mother about the history of your birth when you were trying to understand the nature of your fears. She admitted to you that initially you were an unwanted child, and there were even thoughts about abortion, but in the end you were born and neither mom nor dad regretted it. Intuitively, you knew that those early doubts your mother had were not the reason you were afraid of having children.

But it's likely that you've heard this story about that. that this was not the first time you were an unwanted child. You could accidentally overhear the conversations of adults in childhood, some “caring person” could tell you about it. It is very likely that you learned about this when you were 6 years old, or during this period you learned about something else that intensified your original experiences. In general, children hear and understand in their own way much more than their parents assume. And very often children try to reliably hide these secretly and illegally overheard conversations both from adults and from themselves.

In some cases, it may not be a real story or event that makes a strong impression on a child. or a story about him. but something made up or a deliberately planted lie. Sometimes other children can tell the child some story from their family legends and myths. Children may exchange such “curses” and “curses” with each other in order to offend the other person. For example, there was a case when a child in kindergarten was told that his mother threw him out in the trash after giving birth, and a policeman brought him back. This information was presented with such suggestion, confidence and anger that the child believed it.

You might have seen childbirth filmed on TV or as a plot in a movie. Sometimes these scenes are filmed with strong realism. Sometimes a mother or child dies in them. And often the fear of having children is not associated with fear for oneself, but with fear and guilt for the suffering of the mother, as well as fear and guilt for the fact that the mother may die. Children can be very vindictive, and when they are greatly offended, they can utter any curses and any wishes towards the offenders. There were cases when the wish for suffering for parents was glued in the child’s mind with the suffering of the mother during childbirth.

I have described only some of the possible reasons for the fear of having children. To understand all this, you need to better know your history, your character, as well as the characteristics of your psyche and personality.

Sometimes fears are fought not through analysis, but as if on a figurative and symbolic level. When a person is put into a state of light trance, so that his ability to imagine and the ability to transfer his experiences and feelings to a figurative and symbolic level is heightened. Something like an exercise is performed, when fear is expelled from a person’s soul, or a person simply gains the opportunity to manage his life on a symbolic level.

Afraid to have children?
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Treatment options

If this phobia has pronounced signs and interferes with leading a normal lifestyle, you need to seek help from an experienced psychotherapist. Treatment methods:

psychotherapy;
hypnosis;
organization of a support group, the participants of which are patients with this disease (an opportunity to discuss common problems associated with the disease).

Modern medicine offers several methods for treating phobic fears. It is very important to choose the right treatment method, taking into account the individual characteristics of each patient.

I'm afraid to have children

“Dad was never there because he worked so hard. My mother is a Cerberus, who even chose our clothes herself until I was 12 years old. My sister and I followed the line, and God forbid we had a bad time studying. Any disobedience was suppressed by shouting and assault, and we were forced to do what was required of us.

Now I’ve grown up, I’m 31, and I couldn’t choose a model of behavior other than demanding and coercing for myself, although I’m trying very hard to somehow move in a different direction. This applies to everything, but primarily applies to my husband’s children from his first marriage. Everything boils inside me when I see their disobedience, whining and whims. Apart from disgust, they do not evoke any feelings in me, and, unfortunately, the same attitude towards any other children (they mirror themselves so much to me). But I know for sure that children should be like this, they need to be given the opportunity to live their emotions, allow them to be what they want, while simply guiding and supporting them through life. But how can you find the strength not only to know, but also to do, from the soul, from a sincere heart?

How can someone who grew up in conditions of domestic violence experience unconditional love? I’m sure my mother will say that it was out of great love that she tormented us so much, but this probably has nothing to do with the unconditional love that mothers are given to know.

My story is not new and there are thousands, if not millions, of such families. Children like me are the best clients for psychotherapists, because they picked up so much shit in childhood that it’s hard to choose from. After all, in fact, I brought into adulthood an unstable psyche and the inability to adequately express my emotions. I have a constant fear of being bullied and having my comfort zone threatened as an adult. In an attempt to protect myself from this, my subconscious does not offer anything better than to attack in response, and sometimes in advance, so that it is discouraging. I literally destroy and break everything in my path, all relationships, my reputation, and run for fear of being driven out again.

Why am I telling all this? Moreover, it is this fear that does not allow me to relax and enjoy my amazing, wonderful life that I have today (I am healthy, I have a loving and caring husband, a wonderful home, a job I love). Little by little, I go through all these stinking experiences and memories within myself, and sometimes it seems to me that there will be no end to this.

It is this fear that frightens me when giving birth to my child: what if he, too, is capricious, whining, disobeying and encroaching on my comfort zone? And he probably will, because, as Elizabeth Gilbert wrote, “having a child is like getting a tattoo on your forehead: it lasts a lifetime.” Everyone around them repeats that this will never happen to their child, but no one has ever been able to look into the future. Probably at this moment it’s time to rely on the will of the wise Universe, the Lord, and believe that motherhood will be a joy for me, although it will not always be easy. Of course, God may decide that I, on the contrary, need to go through this test to the most painful edge, but faith teaches us humility and acceptance, and God does not give us more than we can handle. They say this is the essence of the spiritual path on earth. Therefore, I can only continue to work on myself and take a step into the unknown..."

Faith