7 masks with the Cinderella effect that will come in handy before the holidays

The ancient story of Cinderella still remains one of the most popular children's fairy tales. How could it be otherwise, because it contains love at first sight and the intrigues of an evil stepmother and a happy wedding ending at the end. But the Cinderella complex, also very common, unfortunately, does not bring happiness to its mistresses.

The owners of this complex are characterized by low self-esteem, a passive character and the belief that they can achieve happiness only through meeting the Prince and the Love that arose between them. Such a philosophy of life does not, of course, come from reading fairy tales. She is raised by her parents, her environment and is generously fed by media intended for women - romance novels, romantic TV series and other products.

Consultation with family psychologist Yuri Nikolaevich Levchenko about this syndrome as the meaninglessness of waiting for a prince, in the video:

Kinds

Not everyone knows that this complex can manifest itself in four scenarios, some of which are the complete opposite of others.

1. A woman who remains with a childish behavior pattern. The personality is immature and does not know how to stand up for itself.
2. A girl who is unable to build her own life and solve problems. She can only exist in tandem with a strong person who will take on all the difficulties of adult life.
3. A woman in pink glasses, idealizing everything around her. Such girls often choose “princes” who have a number of shortcomings and bad habits. When they try to open the eyes of such a woman, she still doesn’t notice anything and continues to soar in the clouds.
4. A girl who has high demands on her chosen one and on life in general. The rarest type of syndrome. She is really looking for a prince, an intelligent, handsome, wealthy man. However, having found such an option, she will have a number of other requirements, if they do not meet them, the candidate will be excluded from consideration for the role of a life partner.

Critical moments

The path to the formation of this state is represented by four stages. The first three are easily reversible if detected early. As for the fourth, a more radical approach and observation by a psychologist is needed.

1. The first stage is the emergence of a provocative factor, which will become the root cause of the formation of the complex. And you should not think that such a situation can only affect a child from an unfavorable family. This is wrong.
2. The second stage, changes in worldview begin to form, taking root in the girl’s consciousness. It is very important here that parents notice deviations from the usual behavior of the baby and are able to identify their cause.
3. The third stage is characterized by the development of the syndrome itself. If mom and dad notice psychological changes in their daughter in time and immediately turn to a psychologist for help, then the process will be stopped before it can cause much harm to the child’s psyche.
4. The fourth stage, the girl already has a complex, obvious consequences of this condition appear. It is important to know what signs characterize the syndrome in order to be able to identify them and seek qualified help. After all, the wrong model of behavior will have a negative impact on the child in the future.

Possible reasons

Various factors can influence the development of the complex. In fact, everything can flare up from a minor problem. Let's look at the most common causes of this condition.

1. Increased love and care for the girl, designating her as a princess who must wait for her prince.
2. The wild imagination of a young lady leads to increased daydreaming and life with rose-colored glasses. Such women often remain lonely.
3. The fear of loneliness leads to the fact that a girl sees in simple, sometimes bankrupt men, the features of a prince on a white horse, and rushes headlong into the pool.
4. Raising a girl with the mindset that her role is to take care of the housework and look after the children, while the man’s goal is to earn money and provide for his family. This often happens if a similar model of behavior is built in the girl’s own family. Such a woman will be unable to build her life without outside help.
5. Lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem lead to the fact that a girl does not believe in her worth and succumbs to the opinions and influence of others.
6. The girl grows up in a family in which they regularly face problems and hardships, and often hear that they need to work hard to achieve anything. The girl programs herself for the fact that there will be constant difficulties in life, without them there is no way.

Ball

From time to time, Cinderella goes to “Balls,” that is, places where she can meet the Prince. For the sake of this meeting, she is ready to take care of herself, do her makeup, hairstyle, and dress appropriately. It’s good if she knows how to do this, otherwise you will easily spot her by her strange, inappropriate appearance.

But the ball is not a safe place for Cinderella. Romantically inclined, she can mistake any man for a Prince who pays attention to her without really recognizing her chosen one, confusing interest in herself with falling in love. It’s not at all difficult to turn her head; she’s one of those who “is happy to be deceived.”

Another problem for Cinderella may be the option when the meeting with the Prince occurs not at the ball, but somewhere else - at work or on an Internet dating site. Then Cinderella will be tormented - is this really the Prince? What if she is mistaken, and the real Prince will be waiting for her at the next ball.

Signs of the syndrome

The fact that you or your friends or relatives have a Cinderella complex may be indicated by the presence of a number of characteristics.

1. Life with rose-colored glasses. Such a woman does not understand at all the reality of what is happening in her environment.
2. Such girls are too naive and gullible. They are waiting for their prince, which leads to the fact that they are still lonely when they are quite old.
3. Low self-esteem.
4. Equanimity. There is no ability to resist other people's opinions, pliability.
5. Excessive romance.
6. Failure to refuse a request.
7. Victim behavior. If such a girl finds a partner, and he turns out to be a despot, uses violence, insults her, she endures everything, because she believes that she does not deserve more.
8. The desire to see the best person next to you, inflated demands on your partner, which often ends in loneliness.
9. Altruism. A woman lives for the benefit of others. She forgets about her desires, values, and does everything to make those around her happy. Such a girl is easily used for personal gain.

Cinderella complex

Psychologist Marina Morozova

As children, we all read fairy tales, especially fairy tales, and we know well the beloved Cinderella, who was lucky enough to marry a prince. Many modern girls and even adult women dream of following the path of Cinderella. This dream of living with a prince in a palace, surrounded by luxury, is so infectious.

And what's strange about this?

After all, it happens that girls marry men of higher status, even real princes. Let's remember, for example, Princess Diana, although from an aristocratic family, but still not a princess, and even once cleaned other people's apartments, Kate Middleton, born into an ordinary family of businessmen, who married an English prince, film actress Grace Kelly, who became queen Monaco, divorced journalist Letizia Ortiz, now the Spanish Queen. Even in history there are quite a few such examples (for example, Catherine I was a peasant, and Catherine II, although from an aristocratic family, was very impoverished, or Roksolana was a former slave). And in the modern world, when the boundaries between classes are increasingly blurred, there are much more chances to increase your status at the expense of a man.

Of course, such situations happen, but these lucky women either did not have a Cinderella complex, which is an important obstacle on the path to this dream, or they overcame it.

So what is this Cinderella complex?

Cinderella complex: “I could somehow come to terms with two shortcomings, but with three...”

Every girl up to a certain age dreams of a prince, preferably on a white horse. But what is natural at 13 years old looks strange at 23, and even more so at 40. Nevertheless, many women at 30 and 40 years old dream of a prince, although they do not even admit it to themselves.

“I don’t dream of any prince, I know that there are none, I’m just looking for a successful, accomplished man who has a certain list of advantages,” these women say, but deep down they dream of a prince. And such women always meet the wrong men: “This is not mine” and “This is not mine.” This one is just a programmer, and this one is just a driver, this one is already bald, and that one is fat, there’s nothing to talk about with this one, and that one is no lover. If a man cannot make her heart flutter, butterflies flutter in her stomach, or his wallet is empty, then this is definitely not a prince.

“My heart doesn’t flutter because of him, butterflies don’t flutter in my stomach, he doesn’t have enough stars in the sky, which means he’s definitely not a prince.”

Of course, such girls and women have affairs, even get into unsuccessful marriages, but then they get divorced because they find out that the one who seemed like a prince at first is in fact not a prince at all.

When you are looking for a prince, disappointment is inevitable.

We all once believed in Santa Claus, but then we realized that he was not there and stopped expecting gifts from him. However, girls with a Cinderella complex, like little naive girls, continue to wait for the fairy and the prince, live in anticipation of gifts from fate (God), and if the prince is gone for a long time, then they are also offended by fate.

Modern infantas are smart and educated, often successful and earn good money, but at the same time, in everything that concerns their personal lives, they are naive and hope for a miracle, and not for themselves. And they do nothing to realize their dreams. Or they take one step forward, two steps back. As you understand, you won’t get far this way.

They have low self-esteem and high demands on men. They do not understand that men are living people of flesh and blood, and not angels floating in heaven. And these living people have not even two shortcomings, but a whole bunch, however, women also have no less a bunch.

“I could somehow come to terms with two shortcomings, but with three...”

A girl with a Cinderella complex dreams that the fairy tale about Cinderella will come true in her life, and then she will have everything: love, money, and happiness. But she does nothing to make her dream come true. She does not know how to clearly set realistic goals and move towards them. It seems to her that a miracle should happen on its own, as if by magic. You just need to be patient, work hard and suffer.

“I must deserve, earn and suffer for happiness”

A woman with a Cinderella complex is in the position of a victim, she has extremely low self-esteem, and like all victims, she attracts tyrants and abusers, exploiters and consumers. In a fairy tale this is the stepmother and sisters, but in life it is mother, sisters, brothers, other relatives, girlfriends, boyfriends, colleagues, boss.

There is always a person next to her who criticizes her, humiliates her, shifts his responsibilities onto her and simply “sits on her neck.”

And the girl with the Cinderella complex, like many victims, dreams of a savior (prince) who will come almost out of nowhere and save her.

She has the conviction that if every day from morning to night you “clean the pots and wash the pots”, silently endure bullying and insults and at the same time obediently do everything that is required, then in this way you can earn Love and Happiness with a palace to boot. The Good Fairy (Fate, God, some other Higher Powers) will certainly notice Cinderella’s suffering and reward her with a rich prince. Agree that hard work and suffering are an absurd way to get married successfully.

A woman with a Cinderella complex is certainly a workaholic or a squirrel in a wheel; at home she often plays the game “Harried Housewife”. She “plows” every day, sometimes at several jobs, and other people constantly enjoy the fruits of her labor. At the same time, she believes that she must do her job not just well, but perfectly (this is how the excellent student complex manifests itself).

A girl with a Cinderella complex hopes to earn praise and gratitude, but those around her do not appreciate such hard workers and willingly sit on their necks. Over time, Cinderellas begin to be offended, irritated and even angry, because Cinderellas are not made of iron and burn out from their hard labor. This means that they experience all the symptoms of burnout: fatigue, inattention, depression, lack of energy, insomnia, illness, irritability and anger at others, and conflicts begin.

It seems to modern Cinderella that her personal life should somehow work out on its own, that somewhere a prince is looking for her, and a rich one at that. And such a girl will not agree to anything less. But she herself doesn’t even want to “wash” to meet the prince.

If the good fairy had not changed her clothes in the fairy tale, Cinderella would have continued to sleep on a pile of ash and walk around in a dirty state.

The Cinderella complex includes several complexes: an inferiority complex, a victim complex, a guilt complex and an excellent student complex.

Symptoms of the Cinderella complex

1) A girl with a Cinderella complex lives in illusions and dreams of a “prince on a white horse” (and without a horse, a prince is not a prince at all). She lives in a fictional world, not in reality, not “here and now.”

2) Such a woman has an inferiority complex, low self-esteem, a problem with self-confidence and self-esteem. Deep down, she does not consider herself worthy of love, happiness and all that is good.

3) She tries to earn love, approval and even happiness through hard work

4) She has a passive position in life (she does nothing to realize her dreams)

5) Cinderella lives in hope of a miracle. She does not rely on herself, does nothing to realize her dreams - this shows her infantilism.

6) She is resigned, obedient, and does not know how to defend herself at all

7) Girls with a Cinderella complex are true victims.

Many Cinderellas suffer from an excellent student complex

9) These are real workaholics.

10) They often have a guilt complex (if Cinderella thinks she didn’t do something well enough).

11) A woman with a Cinderella complex does not know how to rest, does not enjoy life, does not know how to relax.

12) She strives to be a very good girl, to please everyone, to please everyone. But it's impossible to please everyone.

You will never see a girl with a Cinderella complex sitting around doing nothing. She is always doing something, constantly finding work for herself. Such a girl feels uncomfortable when she has nothing to do. Then she doesn’t find a place for herself and therefore comes up with extra work for herself, often meaningless. For example, he washes the floors every day. Even if she doesn’t work, she becomes a driven housewife and works two shifts at home.

Cinderella does not allow herself to be idle and condemns lazy people and idle people. Through hard, backbreaking work, she tries to earn praise, approval, love and gratitude. But this is a road to nowhere. In this way it is impossible to receive praise and approval, and especially love.

The more insults you endure, the more you receive.

And Women with a Cinderella complex do not know how to defend themselves.

What does the Cinderella complex lead to?

Girls with a Cinderella complex are often left alone. Their dreams are not destined to come true, because in real life there are no fairies and no princes. And they feel victimized and suffer deeply.

One girl was waiting and waiting for a prince on a white horse... And the postman came and brought her a pension.

But next to them are all kinds of tyrants and tyrants. And again Cinderella feels like victims and suffers painfully.

Girls with a Cinderella complex often fall in unrequited love. They watch their prince from a distance, afraid to get close to him. Cinderella is waiting for him to turn his attention to her, come up, talk and fall in love. But this doesn't happen. And she suffers, suffers, timidly tries to talk to him herself, but is shy and shy. Unrequited love, also known as love addiction, is the path of sacrifice, the path of love suffering and torment.

Women with a Cinderella complex quickly become disillusioned with guys, literally after one or several meetings. And they don’t even want an affair with the prince. They work hard all the time at work, running away from the realities of life. And again they feel like victims, suffer and suffer.

Even if such a woman meets a suitable man who looks like a prince, she quickly becomes disappointed in him, because from a rescuer he turns into a tyrant and tormentor, and she remains in her favorite role of victim and continues to suffer.

Or she is disappointed in him because he doesn’t have the right status, he doesn’t earn enough. And then she breaks up with him and suffers.

If such a girl gets married, she quickly discovers that the prince is not a prince at all, he was only pretending to be one. She becomes a “maid” in her family and constantly regrets that she got married, living with illusions of a wonderful meeting with the new prince-savior. Her husband does not live up to her expectations; she is not satisfied with his income and status. She feels like a victim and continues to suffer.

Such a marriage often ends in divorce. And then history repeats itself with a new character.

How to remove the Cinderella complex?

If a girl goes through life as a victim, then she will attract tyrants and tormentors, not princes.

And if a girl is modest, shy, extremely insecure (and girls with a Cinderella complex are exactly like that), then she often hesitates even when looking at the man she likes. She cannot feel relaxed and free with him.

“If I don’t care about a guy, I can calmly talk to him, joke, smile, but if I like him, I get stunned, I blush, I can’t utter a word.” Such tension is undoubtedly felt by the guy and is transmitted to him, and he, too, is unlikely to feel at ease with such a girl. Mutual stiffness increases tension, and there can be no talk of any naturalness in such relationships. Relationships fall apart before they even begin.

To marry a prince, you need to become a princess yourself.

Put yourself, at least for a moment, in the place of a man - a prince. Would you pay attention to the Cinderella girl? An eternally tired, sleep-deprived, exhausted girl, often without makeup, poorly and tastelessly dressed?

Even if she comes to the ball, they won’t let her in, and if they do, everyone will look at her with bewilderment, like she’s an outcast and not a princess. If the prince pays attention to her, it will be clearly negative; the prince will not even allow such a thought to be next to such a girl, let alone make her his princess.

After all, even in a fairy tale, Cinderella first washed herself, changed her clothes and made a splash at the royal ball.

By the way, this transformation of a girl is called the Cinderella effect. The Cinderella effect is when a woman dramatically changes her image, her external image.

Moreover, in the fairy tale, Cinderella was transformed not only externally, but also internally. She remained as kind and sympathetic, but she gained self-confidence, self-esteem and self-respect, and she gave up the role of the victim. On an internal level, she became a princess, and all the treasures of her soul were revealed and shone for everyone to see.

So the fairy not only changed her dress.

But a woman with a Cinderella complex cannot apply the Cinderella effect in life. The Cinderella complex prevents this. A victim cannot become a princess without internal work on himself.

So, in order to become a princess, and then a queen, you need to part with the role of the victim, increase self-confidence and acquire feelings of self-respect and self-esteem - that is, become a princess (in psychological terms), and maybe even a queen, if you don’t 15.

You can do this in my online training “How to get out of the role of a victim,” which consists of 3 recorded sessions.

Register here:

At the training “How to get out of the role of a Victim and become a Queen/King?” You: - Realize and work through the personal causes of your inferiority complexes and the Victim complex - Realize and eliminate the generic causes of the Victim complex - See in yourself and correct the manifestations of the Victim complex - Work through the Victim's attitudes - Part with the feelings of the Victim - And leave the role of the Victim Register here:

During the training we will do: the reconception technique, awareness and transformation of one’s perinatal experience, the practice of rebirth, a technique for eliminating the generic causes of the Victim complex and the practice of working through the personal reasons for the role of the Victim. Register here:

The second important step is to learn to love and accept love.

These are also qualities of a princess and queen.

Girls with a Cinderella complex do not know how to love. They do not love themselves, which means they cannot love others. But such women know how to get caught up in love addictions and suffer from unrequited love, but suffering is not love.

It is important for such women to learn to love themselves, to begin with, at least once a day, do the “Unlocking Love Potential” meditation.

And, of course, they do not know how to accept love, because deep down in their souls they consider themselves unworthy of love. This also needs to be learned.

The third important step is to stop working hard.

Love for work is, of course, great, but an excessive craving for workaholism destroys your femininity, your feminine energy, and burns all the brightest things inside you. You can point to the circumstances, but we create the circumstances ourselves.

And we attract into our lives a boss - a workaholic and a tyrant - ourselves. Albeit unconsciously.

And we agree to live at work ourselves.

Everyone sits until 10 pm at work, and you sit? This is your choice, only yours, no one else's.

Are you working four jobs because you need money? Organize your life differently so that you can get the same money in an easier way.

So, it is important to understand that if you stop “ploughing”, the globe will not stop spinning, your boss will not kill you, but will begin to respect you, you will not die of hunger, but will begin to earn decently: exactly as much work as you put in, and “not what "It's a penny."

The fourth step is to learn to enjoy everything you do and life in general.

It is important to enjoy both work and rest. As a rule, Cinderellas, at least sometimes, enjoy work, but do not know how to rest.

To break up with workaholism, come to my online training “How to stop being a workaholic and start enjoying life!”

The training includes special techniques, exercises, self-tuning, meditation and 10 tips on how to stop being a workaholic,

Finally, relax and enjoy life! At the online training “How to stop working hard and start enjoying life!” You will learn to enjoy your vacation!

Enjoy life! Click on the picture to find out more!

Read more about the training!

Scenario or complex?

Many, by the way, confuse the concepts of “complex” and “scenario”.

A psychological complex (this concept was introduced by Freud) is mental conflicts, feelings and fears, attitudes and beliefs repressed into the subconscious, manifested in certain behavior.

A script in psychology (the concept was introduced by Eric Berne) is a gradually unfolding unconscious life plan. It can be compared to the script of a play or film.

Complexes, like the script, are formed in childhood and do not allow us to live the way we want, limiting us to their limits.

The Cinderella scenario arises among girls who had a favorite fairy tale “Cinderella” in childhood, and their lives are built according to the scenario of this fairy tale. The Cinderella scenario can be either a Winner scenario (in which case the woman marries a prince and becomes a princess) or a Loser scenario. Read more about scenarios in my book “With a Fairy Tale through Life.”

And although this fairy tale has a happy ending, not all Cinderellas marry princes, and especially not all become princesses. Some Cinderellas remain in the role of maids - Cinderellas, even after marriage, and some never get married, as they “get stuck” on the episode of the fairy tale where Cinderella “plows” her stepmother and sisters.

The Victorious Cinderellas managed to overcome the Cinderella complex and cultivate the princess within themselves. If you find that you have a negative development of the Cinderella scenario, you can work through it in my online training “How to get out of a negative scenario.”

Psychologist Marina Morozova

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Other personal growth trainings:

• "Her Majesty, Woman!"
• "Confidence Training"
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Real Consequences

1. The role of a career woman. The condition of such a woman is often aggravated by the excellent student syndrome. All thoughts are absorbed in building a successful future. As for a life partner, he is either not remembered at all, since all the energy is directed only at one thing, or too high demands are put forward, which are almost impossible to realize. And this leads to lonely old age.
2. The fear of being alone can lead to a desire to constantly search for the ideal partner, which is not always the one she is really looking for. Such a woman often gets burned when she falls for outright scoundrels.
3. Waiting for a prince leads to the fact that the girl remains an old maid who has not started a family or given birth to a child.
4. Living for the sake of others. A woman does not think about herself, she does not strive to gain personal happiness. Her task boils down to helping other people, babysitting the neighbor's baby, walking the dog, looking after her grandmother. And she does it absolutely free.
5. The role of the victim. The woman lives in constant fear, regular beatings and insults. At the same time, she believes that she deserves such treatment. Despite the horrors of such a family life, the girl does not want to part with her husband because she “loves him.”

Cinderellas of the 21st century

Modern Cinderellas have inherited from their predecessors submission to fate, a gentle character, and, most importantly, the dream of being saved by Prince Charming. Although in anticipation of the Prince they no longer clean fireplaces, they often, like their fairy-tale friend, do routine, low-prestige work.

A typical Cinderella, as in the fairy tale by Charles Perrault, does not like to attract attention to herself.
She is very attached to her parents and listens sensitively to their opinions. Her parents (but close friends and her husband may well be in their place) consider her not entirely capable of making the right life decisions and, no matter what age Cinderella is, they are closely involved in her life. Who to be friends with, who to marry, what college to go to, where to work and relax, how to raise children - Cinderella herself cannot decide this.
So they complement each other perfectly - the fearful Cinderella dreams of something, and someone in the role of the wise Fairy is always ready to solve her problems. This passivity prevents Cinderella from growing up. While her peers are learning to interact with the outside world and gaining life experience, they, like captives, live in a small confined space. And the older Cinderella gets, the more noticeable her inadequacy becomes.

Read more: The impostor complex, or Fear of success

The fear of being alone, without support, fosters in them the ability to instantly adapt to the desires of others. Quiet and unnoticeable, they do not create problems for parents; they avoid teenage crises. But this plasticity and responsiveness does not benefit them. Relying entirely on parents and other advisers, they will never learn to identify their talents, desires, and values.

Dependence, passivity, lack of life experience - low self-esteem is formed on the basis of these qualities, regardless of natural data and formal success. Cinderellas can be beautiful and smart women, and even quite successful women. Only they will always think that success came to them by chance, that it was undeserved. Researchers note that Cinderellas may have a kind of “fear of succeeding.”

After all, there are no successful Cinderellas, otherwise why would the Prince save them from then?

And of course, Cinderellas are very romantic people. They dream of love at first sight and for the rest of their lives, read romance novels, and are addicted to women's TV series. They believe that somewhere in the world there is a perfect person for them, and all they have to do is wait for the Prince to find them.