Love addiction: analysis of symptoms, causes and search for a way out

0 1177 September 19, 2020 at 09:34 Author of the publication: Ekaterina Zhavoronkova, industrial engineer Editor: Tamara Tkachenko

“I love him terribly! I want him to be with me every minute. I may suffer, but this is the same love!” - that's what I once thought. The more he moved away, the more I was pulled towards him, as if on a rope. It hurt, but I was terribly afraid that he would leave. I tried to hold on when he pushed away. I tried to stop it, but after a while I ran to him again. I thought it was love. Until I finally realized that it was different. Until I started desperately trying to figure out how to get rid of love addiction - that’s what it was.

Songs about love, films about love, books about love... She is everywhere! And I really want it for myself. Experience this fireworks of feelings. To occupy the most important place in someone's life. Be loved.

And one day you meet a person who is wonderful in every sense, you fall in love, you feel real euphoria, and in your fantasies you draw rosy pictures of a wonderful life together. You constantly want to be near him, to see him... But for some reason, over time, you feel more and more unhappy. Instead of fullness - emptiness, instead of inspiration - exhaustion, instead of joy - dissatisfaction.

You begin to understand that love shouldn't be like this. This is no longer that magical feeling sung by poets, inspiring achievements, but a painful dependence on the person on whom all the forces of your soul are directed. This is not what you dreamed of.

Who has a love addiction?

Since childhood, each of us dreams of meeting a person, sincerely loving him, receiving the same feelings in return and living happily with him for the rest of our lives. And no one thinks that true love can cause a lot of problems, troubles, and worries. Yes, such troubles are possible if you have become dependent on a relationship with a person. And the one you fell in love with is the only light in the window, air, moisture, without which existence is unthinkable.

A painful manifestation of love for a person can completely seize power over the psyche and life of the lover. As experts note, this problem usually affects people with a low level of self-esteem, who do not know how to normally perceive the world and themselves in it, and who have a critical attitude towards themselves.

Many perceive addiction as true love and the reason for this is the word “love”. In fact, this expression in this situation is of a conditional, formal nature. There is no talk here of sincere feelings, even similar to love. There is a manic, obsessive fixation of one person on the one whom he considers the object of his passion.

We have already spoken the word “addiction” - this is the second name for the life situation we are studying. Doctors also write “codependency” in their statements. Despite the fact that they do not consider the condition to be a serious pathology, they still draw attention to the fact that there is a need to carefully consider the situation.

If you don’t stop in time, don’t work on your behavior, don’t adjust your thoughts and goals, then obsession will develop into a mental disorder.

As a result, life will be destroyed, there is a risk of loss of self-esteem and social status. Finding himself in a state of addiction - love dependence, a person becomes its hostage and is unable to take care of himself. When can we observe this kind of cases? Look around, there are a lot of them!

Symptoms of the condition

Addiction manifests itself gradually, so a person does not even understand how psychologically he is bogged down in the quagmire of the disease. There are a number of signs that characterize such a patient:

  1. The desire to merge with a partner.
  2. Idealization of the beloved, despite any actions.
  3. Relationships are put at the forefront, and there is a withdrawal from other areas of life.
  4. Even a short-term separation from a loved one brings a feeling of emptiness and causes an exacerbation of anxiety and nervousness.
  5. Thoughts about the beloved dominate over everything else.
  6. Refusal of one's own values ​​and principles.
  7. Mayata in the absence of an object of love, inability to do even simple work.
  8. The partner's opinion is always a priority.
  9. Emotional changes in a short time.
  10. Attacks of jealousy.
  11. Constant fear of being rejected or being rejected.
  12. Excessive touchiness over trifles.
  13. The assessment of a partner is superficial and based on appearance.
  14. The lover turns into property without his own opinion.

Unrequited love: searching for solutions and compromises

Types of love addiction

It is possible for a woman to become codependent on her married lover, or a man on his married girlfriend. Also, addiction often occurs in married couples, when the wife cannot breathe without her husband or, conversely, the husband without his wife. If there is mutual codependency, then this marriage is full of different “colors”, there is passion and strong jealousy, up to loud showdowns, fights, divorces, convergences, etc.

A fairly common example is the emergence of love addiction after breaking up with a person. “It would seem that while we were together, I didn’t feel anything special towards him. As soon as we broke up, I started missing him.” Or the guy was dumped by the girl. Against the background of hurt pride and jealousy towards her next boyfriend, codependency, a painful attraction, increases, because of which he is ready to do anything just to get her back.

Paradoxical love codependency is a relationship between two people who feel mistrust, jealousy, hatred and strong affection for each other. But experts note that in women the symptoms of addiction are much stronger than in the stronger half. The latter, due to well-known circumstances - male restraint, reluctance to reveal their weaknesses, experience the problem secretly.

Unfortunately, media culture plays a major role in the development of addiction in society. Almost all films, video clips, song lyrics talk about one thing - “I’m dying without you,” “you’re gone and I can’t breathe,” etc. But let's be honest - is this really what love is? It gives happiness, kindness, energy, allows you to discover better prospects, get to know yourself, and find the true path to the future. And addiction is suffering, pain, not only mental, but also physiological torment. Quite often, those suffering from addiction require medical assistance, since psychosomatic diseases of all organs arise against the background of love addiction.

But why does everyone glorify people’s codependency? It's very simple; you can't say the same about love. With it, they do not suffer, they do not lose their lives, and extreme situations are needed to excite human souls - a cry of pain, a thirst for a meeting, euphoria from sexual contact with someone for whom you lost sleep and peace. It is much more interesting for people to delve into such “Italian” passions than to yawn while watching on the screen the lives of loving people who calmly raise children and arrange their home without adventure or extreme sports.

Cause of love addiction

Addiction occurs quite often in both men and women, starting from adolescence. And this does not depend on nationality, nation, social status and other factors. Why do some people still have it, while other people never have it? The main reasons lie, of course, in childhood. It is then that we receive various kinds of psychological trauma that affect the course of our lives. Main factors:

  1. Lack of attention, love and care from parents.
  2. Excessive control over the child’s behavior by adults.
  3. Lack of independence of the baby, which should already be at 2-3 years of age.
  4. Fear of being rejected.
  5. Feeling threatened by the outside world and people.
  6. Ugly, inferior appearance and the inferiority complex that arose on this basis.
  7. Mental wounds acquired in childhood.
  8. Fear of being alone.
  9. Reduced level of self-esteem.
  10. Fear of disappointing loved ones, friends and relatives.
  11. Monetary and material dependence on a partner.
  12. Excessive self-criticism and inability to appreciate one's own merits.
  13. Other types of addiction are alcohol, drugs, gambling, Internet, smartphone, etc.
  14. Reverence for people in authority.
  15. The presence of cases of sexual harassment in childhood by adults.
  16. Lack of confidence, inability to make independent decisions.

If a child in childhood does not receive due attention, care, and love from his parents, then already in adulthood he strives to find such a person. He expects from him a kind of compensation of affection, guardianship, love. And given the fact that a person has low self-esteem, he is critical of his appearance. If he considers himself a failure, unable to create, invent, or do anything, he completely surrenders to the will of man, and addiction arises. All these are sprouts from childhood.

Experiencing pain, insult, cruelty from adults, the baby gets used to these conditions. For his inner world, this is a common situation, without which discomfort arises. For this reason, he is looking for someone with whom he will feel the same states as in his younger years.

The lack of love from parents in childhood develops into an exaggerated desire to be painfully, manically loved already in adulthood. Therefore, these people are looking for selfless, fanatical and deeply passionate relationships with which it will be painful and bitter.

Possible consequences

A painful relationship rarely goes away without leaving a trace. It leaves an imprint on a person’s entire subsequent life.

Women get used to an ocean of pain with islands of calm and tranquility. Dependence on a man becomes the meaning of existence. Rare days without swearing bring the lady into a state of euphoria, and she perceives the subsequent period as a new segment of the painful path to happiness. Even after parting with the person who caused so much suffering, she will unconsciously find a new tormentor, because she feels the need to love the man and obey him.

Representatives of the stronger sex unconsciously take revenge on all partners in the future if their first love caused them a lot of pain and torment. They purposefully woo a girl, make her fall in love with them, and then turn into manipulators. The guy disappears and appears without explanation, behaving sometimes dryly, sometimes tenderly. The woman begins to bend and adapt to him, considering herself to blame for her beloved’s antics, and the man experiences sadistic pleasure from the realization of this fact.

People who do not understand the essence of constructive relationships, having lost one love, will immediately look for a replacement. This will continue indefinitely, until “pseudo-love” drains them to the bottom.

To get rid of the disease, it is not enough to break off a destructive relationship. It will take hard work on yourself, and sometimes the help of a psychologist.

The main signs of addiction

Why is it necessary to know all the main signs of a person who is looking for a complex love relationship? Yes, everything is simple - with such a type it will be very difficult. Your life with a person for whom painful dependence on your relationship is important will turn into a living hell. Therefore, study them carefully and be careful.

A person who has been chosen by an addict is immediately exalted as an ideal, he is like the Sun in the sky. Everything around is gray, insignificant and unimportant. This is how a dependent person builds an emotionally comfortable atmosphere for himself. And its center is the meaning of his life. The sufferer is as if in a fog, his thoughts and behavior are beyond control, everything is intended for the object of his passion.

Then, when the situation smoothes out and he comes to his senses, he realizes that he was a prisoner of his addiction. It feels like he was drugged with some kind of potion, cast a spell, jinxed, etc. During the period of addiction, a person stops growing above himself. They devote their lives only to their loved one. And the latter is also threatened by inhibition of spiritual and emotional processes. After all, no matter what he does or says, everything is perfect, elevated to an absolute by a fan of the idol.

It is easy to distinguish situations from normal relationships. With them, every person, even with strong love, continues to live his own life. Yes, you want to give your beloved object more positive emotions, happiness, and affection. But at the same time, one does not forget that there are other interests in life - work, communication with friends, relatives, personal hobbies, passions, etc. That is, there is a boundary between lovers that allows you to breathe deeply and not suffocate from the relationship, without losing your “face.”

If codependency arises between people, then jealousy immediately arises, and it is pathological, comparable to despotism and tyranny. For ordinary people in love, it is also present, but perhaps as an addition to the flare-up of passion, or as proof of true love. Showdowns and troubles in this case are possible only if someone has given a good reason or cheated on their partner.

In addiction, everything is much worse - you don’t need a reason to start a huge scandal, even assault. The partner is not allowed not only to flirt or communicate, but even to look in the direction of the other person. As a rule, the addict does everything not to release the object of his passion. He is ready to do anything for her - to pamper her, to please her, but within a closed territory. Initially, both partners feel good in this relationship. But over time, the “golden cage” becomes unbearable for those on whom they depend.

He is trying to escape from this relationship, because it is unbearable, stuffy, there is no life of his own. And the partner dependent on him feels pain, resentment, suffers, he experiences unbearable torment, but for his psyche this, unfortunately, is the norm. His love can often switch to hatred, mistrust, anger, aggression, fear of losing a loved one, if you can call it that. And as a result, the connection brings only pain to both, there is no joy, constructiveness of the relationship, fun and expectation of a promising future.

Let us list the main signs of addiction - love dependence:

  1. The object with whom the dependent person is in love remains under constant, excessive control - frequent phone calls, demands that a strict report be given for the day.
  2. Painful jealousy with or without reason, constant quarrels and reproaches of infidelity and betrayal.
  3. The habit of drinking and eating away from stressful situations.
  4. A complete lack of interest in previous hobbies and the surrounding world.
  5. Constant loud quarrels, conflicts, stormy showdowns.
  6. The desire to mold your partner into a person at your own discretion, the desire to re-educate.
  7. Constant comments, reproaches about the behavior and appearance of your loved one.
  8. Often there is a depressed, bad mood.
  9. Problems with your material and financial situation due to the inability to concentrate on business and fulfilling your obligations.
  10. Excessive spending to please the tastes of a loved one.
  11. Rapid weight gain or excessive weight loss.
  12. The desire to patronize and take care of a loved one against his will.
  13. Health problems when relationships deteriorate: increased body temperature, rapid pulse, dry mouth, painful abdominal cramps, headaches, dizziness, loss of consciousness, tinnitus, etc.

Channels conducting energy between a man and a woman

If the relationship between partners is stable and healthy, channels are formed between them that work cleanly and brightly. In such relationships there is sincerity, mutual trust, but at the same time, each of them remains in his own personal space. This is the very case when the energy connection is equivalent.

Energy threads

  • In the case where there is a dependence of one partner on the other , the channels dim, which subsequently leads to a breakdown in relationships, aggressiveness, and irritability.
  • In a situation where one side seeks to completely subjugate the other , the aura of the dependent seems to be completely enveloped.
  • The end of the relationship leads to weakening of the channels. The more time passes, the less energy flows into them, and then the flow stops altogether, which ends with the former partners perceiving each other as strangers.
  • If lovers break up, but the channels are not closed, mutual attraction remains. It happens that one of them purposefully breaks the energetic connection, and then it is possible that its protection will be affected by the second.

How does it arise - love addiction

The pattern of development of addictive relationships between people is very similar. Initially, a person meets someone whom he considers ideal from his youth. And, of course, it's love at first sight. The relationship between the couple develops at the speed of light. They literally breathe each other, forget about everything in the world - work, family, even normal sleep. But it is worth understanding that these feelings, as we have already written, have nothing to do with normal love. It's like drug addiction. Doses become smaller and smaller over time.

A person dependent on this relationship requires more attention, begins to control the partner, and the relationship is accompanied by all the factors listed in the signs. Quarrels, screams, yelling, stormy arguments, conflicts, constant swearing due to jealousy - all these are the main attributes of addiction. And what’s bad is that both parties are unable to break the connection and move on with their own lives.

The addict, in the absence of the object of his passion, immediately experiences a terrible withdrawal. He simply cannot live without his loved one. The partner is unable to leave, so he is pursued by the other half, who, in the fit of his passion of dependence, is capable of any actions, even violence.

A person in a state of addiction understands perfectly well that his relationship has no future - his partner wants to leave, and he himself stopped loving a long time ago and does not respect his other half. But he cannot let go of the situation because of the fear of loneliness, loss of the source of happiness and satisfaction of his own desires. He looks at the world around him as something gray, lifeless, because there is no one in it whom he wants to obey, whom he wants to admire and whom he wants to pamper, love, please, whom he can attack, be jealous of, etc.

Quite often such connections are restored thanks to the persistence of the addict. But literally a couple of days later, history repeats itself - screaming, quarrels, jealousy, etc.

There are several types of addiction, the most common of which are:

  1. Absolute dissolution in another person.
  2. The partner is presented as a mirror.
  3. Complete submission to the desires and will of the chosen one, then causing him severe suffering.
  4. Playing the role of Guardian Angel for the chosen one.
  5. Possession of a partner's life, power over him.

Each of these situations has nothing to do with free, happy love with a successful ending. If the needs of a dependent person are not met, he falls into deep depression, drinks alcohol, uses drugs, destroys the life of his chosen one, can destroy him physically, commit suicide, etc.

To clearly understand how a person suffering from love addiction feels, we present a real life story.

“Vladislav and his wife Elena lived in a country village. Their beautiful log house is located on the edge of a dense deciduous forest. Their little daughter gladly accepted the news of moving from a stuffy city to a beautiful village. So they lived here for about 2 years.

One day, the baby got sick - doctors diagnosed appendicitis and needed surgery. Elena had to leave with her daughter and stay with her after the operation. Vlad was left alone on the farm. And one day, a car stopped near their house. A pretty girl came out and asked for help. It turned out that she had a punctured tire, and Vladislav helped her get a replacement without any problems.

Zhanna (that was the name of the unexpected guest) asked for water, Vlad offered to use the bathroom. And so, word by word, a cup of hot coffee. He himself didn’t understand how he ended up in bed with her. The passion was such that he forgot about the existence of everyone and everything. The next morning, Zhanna did not even think about leaving, and Vlad was not entirely comfortable. No, Elena had to stay in the clinic for another 5 days, but still he felt like a traitor. But his guest did not let up. She seduced the man again and they tumbled in bed for 4 days.

Literally before his wife arrived, he saw the girl off. A couple of days passed and, leaving the house, he noticed a familiar car. I walked up, and Zhanna was there. She was waiting for him, wanted to plunge into sexual contact again. Vlad resisted, but still gave in. So Zhanna came four times. But Vladislav decided to stop this relationship, yet he loved his wife.

The girl reacted with hostility to his desire to break up. She threw a tantrum, begged, fell on her knees. But the man was adamant - he was tired of her and wanted peace. Then it got worse - the wife saw a killed kitten, their daughter’s favorite, on the doorstep. Vlad realized that this was the work of a crazy mistress. He again went to meet her and she threatened that she would kill his daughter if he did not meet with her. He had to confess to his wife and go to the police.

As it turned out, this is not the first time Zhanna has come to the attention of law enforcement agencies. She searches for her ideal, and then torments him with her obsessive love. For a long time Elena could not come to terms with her husband’s betrayal and left with the child to live with her mother. But after a couple of months, her heart thawed, and she was reunited with her husband. The house was sold; it was too painful to remember the terrible period. The family bought an apartment in an ordinary five-story building and tried to forget about crazy Zhanna.”

Here's a story directly related to addiction. It brings only suffering and has nothing to do with pure and open love. It cannot be said that only Vlad’s family suffered here. Zhanna suffers no less, and maybe more. She will not experience comfort in this life, will not find peace, if she does not turn to specialists in time and change her attitude towards life. And the culprit is a bad childhood, an aggressive first lover, etc.

How to get rid of love addiction

We would like to note right away that if you are in a deep degree of addiction, it will be quite difficult to figure it out without the help of a specialist in psychology, or even psychiatry. See a doctor and don't be afraid of judgment. These are the doctors who are meant to heal our souls. And most importantly, you must realize your condition, and for this the most important thing is not to be deceived! There is no need to look for reasons to justify your actions. Believe me, if you don’t regulate your behavior and psychological state in time, love addiction will drive you into a “yoke” from which it will be impossible to get out.

Healing from addiction does not mean that you need to take care of yourself in this particular relationship. Life goes on, and no one can guarantee that you will not be too dependent on subsequent relationships. It is necessary to recover from this once and for all, there is no other way!

Along with psychotherapy, it is important to take additional steps.

  1. Think about your past interests and hobbies. Return to them and occupy your “head” with other things, so as not to leave room for stupid thoughts and suffering.
  2. Return to your friends, they miss you very much. Go back to country trips, picnics with friends, move, dance, communicate - you need to diversify, somehow “divorce” life so that there is no concentration of painful addiction in it.
  3. Sign up for auto training courses. This way to grow in “your own eyes” is not fully appreciated, but it helps a lot of people return to a full life, reach new heights, find freedom, happiness, the meaning of life.

Love yourself, remember what you were like before. Look at yourself in the mirror and think about whether you should forget about your existence for the sake of another. Get yourself in order, visit a stylist or makeup artist - this will increase your self-esteem and make you want to stop obeying someone else’s will or giving up your whole life completely in favor of your partner.

There are many other methods that will be an excellent addition to psychotherapy with an experienced specialist. And don’t be shy to admit to yourself that you depend on your relationship with your partner. As soon as you are healed by a specialist, you will immediately understand how beautiful, free, and comfortable true love can be, which you will definitely meet! Be happy!

Nuances of the energetic connection between a man and a woman

We already know about a single energy environment in which partners who truly love each other live. And if each of them continues this exchange of energy, feelings will only grow stronger, and the union will become stronger.

Moreover, true harmony is achieved when both act according to their nature. After all, if a woman begins to show masculine qualities in herself, and, accordingly, to radiate masculine energy, then the man will have no choice but to take upon himself to provide the couple with the feminine energy principle. And vice versa.

Harmony and balance are important

Generally speaking, a man in a love union must provide the material component, and the woman must provide the emotional and sensual component . This order determines the release of male energy through the material chakra, and female energy through the heart chakra. Violation of this natural balance leads to a deterioration in relationships and the condition of each partner.

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