Attachment is a feeling of closeness that arises in response to deep sympathy, love, devotion to someone or something. First it appears in the baby towards the mother, and later it begins to manifest itself towards the people around him. When this process is disrupted, an adult develops antisocial personality disorder because he does not feel attachment to people. At the same time, the feeling can have a negative connotation - when a person becomes very attached to someone, he behaves inappropriately.
How to understand that it is emotional dependence
People notice pathological traits in their behavior:
• The whole world narrows down to the object of affection. His personality comes to the fore, overshadowing work, friends, hobbies and relatives. Attachment binds a person.
• Emotional blackmail. A person will do anything to get the attention of an attachment figure. Hysteria or demonstrative coldness? Both are welcome, no problem.
• Withdrawal syndrome. When the object of affection is far away, a person feels sad. I really want to be next to him again. This point is the reason why you want to get rid of neurotic attachment.
When attachment looks like a painful addiction, you definitely need to get rid of it.
Even when the connection with your attachment figure is healthy, there may be barriers between you:
• you are separated by distance;
• affection is not mutual;
• one of you is married;
• you simply don’t understand each other;
• something else came between you.
In any case, the relationship did not work out. Now you are wondering how to get rid of attachment to a man or woman. Let’s figure out how to do this using the knowledge from Yuri Burlan’s “System-vector psychology” training.
Why do we get attached and can’t get rid of it?
A person feels comfortable only when he has good relationships with other people. His mood depends on emotional connections with others. It `s naturally. But the lack of attachments and the inability to empathize is a mental disorder. Attachments are the basis of our lives, but we want to control them: choose the right people, calmly leave those with whom things don’t work out.
Sometimes you can't get rid of it. There are no irreplaceable people, but sometimes we become so attached to a person that it seems that without him life has no meaning. It's better to die than to be alone. And we forget about hundreds of other interesting people with whom we can also communicate with pleasure. And fear also arises: what if nothing works out again? After all, he was so ideal and beautiful, soul and body, there is no other like him. No one else is needed now.
Many people, when they become attached to a person, have the feeling that he is special. Then they get untied and don’t understand what they found in him. It is our imagination, as in fairy tales, that makes a knight out of a shepherd, and a princess out of a washerwoman. There is nothing wrong with painting a beautiful image of the object of affection in your head. But when a person cannot direct his imagination to anything or anyone other than the object of his affection, he becomes emotionally fixated.
You need to realize that it is your emotions that make attachment special. And then what really happened between you may not seem so significant if you look from the outside.
The danger of attachment
In psychology, there are several types of attachment:
- Safe. Develops between mother and child. It is the basis for correct and healthy personality formation. If the parents are friendly, the baby feels safe. He is calm, joyful, happy, balanced. As an adult, a person adapts more easily to society and finds a soul mate who can be trusted just like his parents.
- Avoidant. It develops in an unfavorable family environment, when the child does not feel an emotional connection with his parents, does not feel support and experiences a lack of attention. The child becomes restless, anxious, and annoying. As an adult, such a person has inadequate self-esteem, is highly dependent on the opinions of others, underestimates close relationships, and is unable to distinguish a true attitude towards oneself from deceitful behavior.
- Disorganized. Formed as a result of suppression and intimidation of children. The child becomes aggressive, uncontrollable, depressed, and unsure of himself. As an adult, it is difficult to build relationships with others, showing distrust, suspicion, and painful jealousy.
Thus, avoidant and disorganizational attachment poses a danger to a person. The prerequisite for their formation is an incorrect relationship between parents and children. A person should have a feeling of affection, since excessive suspicion and mistrust scare away loved ones and prevent them from building friendly, loving and intimate relationships. At the same time, painful attachment interferes with normal relationships, requires adjustments in behavior, and in severe cases, treatment.
What are the problems with attachment?
If you are asking how to get rid of attachment, it means that the object of the attachment either did not reciprocate or does not know how to build healthy relationships. It happens that people simply do not agree in character, do not understand each other’s mental characteristics. In any case, there is nothing to regret, because there is no hope for a happy future here.
When a person wants to get rid of a healthy attachment, he refuses a dose of warm emotions and, naturally, becomes sad. At first you walk down the street and you don’t even notice that you’re thinking about her again. You're bored again. But if a person’s emotional sphere is healthy, new impressions from a new life accumulate, and old memories fade away. This is the norm. But sometimes a person tastes the fruit of self-pity and receives hidden emotional pleasure. And then he cannot escape the web of emotional dependence.
“It hurts to breathe without him. I cry almost every day... I have had such a sick attachment for 5.5 years. Yesterday in the metro it got to the point where I started looking for him in the crowd. I looked at everyone, but, naturally, he wasn’t there... I often imagine him. I know for sure that he doesn’t like me. I can’t forget” (text taken from the forum here).
There are neurotic attachments, when partners enjoy quarrels and scandals, each feeling sorry for themselves. There is no spiritual intimacy in such relationships; people cannot share their secrets with each other. Omissions and misunderstandings become unbearable. You are already thinking about how to get rid of your attachment to a person. The psychology of emotional dependence does not allow it - the relationship continues, in reality or in a dream. The object of unsuccessful affection evokes negative, but bright and strong emotions. It seems better than emptiness. Some people with a visual vector are hooked on this like a drug.
“I didn’t love my man, but it seemed like he loved me, I couldn’t lose this feeling, like constant care... As a result, we lived together for 5 years... And for 2 years, without him, I can’t even sleep, I always have insomnia, fear of loneliness, from others I hate men, but I also understand that I never loved him and don’t love him, moreover, it was he who persuaded me to become so dependent. I always ran away, but it was like he caught me and didn’t let go. All thoughts about him are associated with negativity and fear!” (text taken from the forum here).
Consequences
A healthy attachment helps a person adapt to society. When a person knows how to trust, she is open to communication and relationships, quickly establishes contact, makes friendships, and starts an affair. At the same time, he easily abandons the object of desire when the relationship becomes unproductive. In other words, he easily says goodbye to a friend who once betrayed him, or a chosen one who did not live up to his trust.
Pathological attachment, on the contrary, interferes with building relationships. A person does not know how to trust, love and accept love. Lives in illusions, perceives the situation incorrectly, becomes strongly attached to someone who has shown at least a little attention, and cannot part with the tyrant when the relationship reaches a dead end. Often, being involved with an unhealthy person has a negative impact on both partners. The first one does not get what he wants, and the second one gets tired of constant persecution, claims, and unjustified jealousy.
The main signs of a person prone to pathological attachment are rapid rapprochement, obsession, idealization of a partner and relationships, a need for authority, preoccupation, and self-doubt. It is difficult to build a relationship with such a chosen one or chosen one, it is difficult to change anything.
Who attaches special importance to attachments?
The owner of the visual vector needs emotional connections with other people most of all. Frankness and trust in relationships, common interests with friends and walks under the moon at night are the values of the visual vector. A visual person lives for feelings and emotions.
The lives of visual people develop differently: due to trauma and bad experiences, they can forbid themselves to feel, and concentrate all experiences on themselves. And demand attention and love from those around you.
In a healthy attachment, the visual person, on the contrary, shows sympathy and interest in the partner, opens up emotionally and receives a response. If you had to get rid of a healthy attachment, the viewer feels bad, but not fatally. He will come to his senses and create more.
In a dependent attachment, a visual person cannot express his feelings, but instead feeds on those of others. Of course, when the object disappears from sight, you want more emotions. And there is nowhere to take them. It remains to feed on poisoned but sweet experiences from an unfulfilled attachment. It seems that this is suffering from which you want to get rid of, and at the same time sweet torment.
How to distinguish between affection and love for a person?
Many people, especially the fair sex, are interested in how to distinguish affection from love. Often, due to their emotionality, people simply cannot distinguish between these two states. But they are obvious:
- Attachment occurs when attraction arises between people for some reason, and love is the feeling of two people with kindred spirits.
- Affections are characterized by changeability and instability, and if people love each other, then they are united by a deep and constant feeling.
- People yearn in both cases, but love causes a yearning of a different kind, stimulating movement forward.
- Egocentrism is associated with attachment; in love there should be acceptance of your partner, your loved one for who he really is.
How to get rid of attachment
It’s easy to leave a person in the past, but sometimes it’s too difficult to throw his image out of your head and stop going over in your thoughts what should have happened, but didn’t happen.
• The first tip on how to get rid of attachment is to switch. True, if you take up a hobby, throw yourself into work, go on a date, or just go out for a walk with the only thought of not thinking about Him or Her, nothing will work out. You need to get distracted first of all emotionally. Try to imagine that you will experience all the precious experiences associated with That person with someone else. And they will be brighter, stronger. And with this attitude, go out for a walk and meet with friends.
• Give yourself faith in the future. When we become too attached to a person, we don't see anyone around us. Letting go of attachments hurts when you are afraid of being alone. Communicate more and feel needed by many, rather than just one object of your affection. Learn to control and create attachments yourself. This is only possible with an understanding of human psychology. Then breaking up a relationship with a person will not be such a problem.
• Help someone who is in a similar situation. Your boyfriend or girlfriend probably also had problematic attachments that they had to get rid of. Maybe you can talk to them and share your experiences. Then you will see your own situation in another person - from the outside, not from the inside. And it will no longer seem so terrible to you.
• Expressing feelings on paper is often recommended. And burn the paper or put it away out of sight. This method will give relief if you publish the text on the Internet or at least let someone read it. Maybe even to the addressee himself. Not in order to get a response, but in order to put an end to it.
How to forgive and let go
Sometimes we feel like we should have said or done something in a relationship but it didn't work out and we can't let the person go. How to get rid of attachment? Understand why the relationship developed the way it did and not otherwise.
What to do if a person, on the contrary, feels that the object of affection owes him something: did not pay attention, insulted or humiliated him? A person cannot forgive him; with masochistic pleasure he thinks about his affection again and again. Even the decision to express grievances in person will not help here. You need to understand the very nature of the behavior of the object of attachment, to figure out what his fault really is. We can never say with certainty what motivates another person in a relationship. And when we try to explain his actions to ourselves, we only become even more confused.
“At the very peak of events, I was told: just don’t fall in love with me, we started seeing each other too often. Now I’m writing and I’m ready to cry... it’s very hard, just a day ago I was flying and fluttering because I have someone to love... And since yesterday evening I’ve been crawling barely, overwhelmed by simple words” (text taken from the forum here).
At Yuri Burlan’s training “System-vector psychology” we understand that a person always talks about himself, even when it seems that he is talking about others. Systematically, the meaning of the phrase “Just don’t fall in love with me” is translated almost as a confession. “I’m so afraid of falling in love with you...” the object of her affection says to the girl. Don't take everything personally.
To let go of the past and avoid painful attachments in the future, you need to take a deeper look at attachment. Then you will be able to say thank you to the object of your affection simply for being in your life, and your soul will become calm. If you feel gratitude towards him, then you are on the right path and can create new attachments with new people instead of the outdated old one.
