11 signs of the victim's condition.

Victim Syndrome: Why do so many people live in the position of a victim rather than a leader?

The algorithm of victim behavior is always laid down in childhood. This scenario is literally “drilled” into us from birth. It is at an early age that the first attitudes and beliefs appear, which in the future will certainly turn you into a victim of circumstances.

For example, in families where “victims” are raised, it is customary to talk about failures, complain about fate, and constantly pick on someone’s bones. By the way, remember, did your relatives complain about the country, life, salary, did they discuss anyone in front of you?

In such families, the desire to become poor is encouraged. It is considered bad form to talk about your achievements and victories. And if someone starts talking about their successes, they immediately answer him: “Keep your head down,” “You’re bragging again,” “Stop showing off,” etc.

Children in such families are taught dislike and disgust for strong and successful people. The weak, on the contrary, are held up as examples and taught to show great compassion towards them.

But it's not just about family, of course. In schools, books, films, songs and conversations - scenarios of victim behavior are everywhere. In our society it is accepted and even fashionable to suffer. In literally any work, the one who suffers the most is the main character. Excessive modesty and downtroddenness is considered a positive quality, and the image of a “patient” is simply glorified.

“Russian literature is built on suffering. Either the character, or the author, or the reader suffers. And if all three suffer, this is a masterpiece of Russian literature.”
author unknown

Having looked through the school curriculum from grades 1 to 11, I, frankly, was horrified... The main roles of most works are losers who do not want and do not even try to take responsibility for their lives. I will give examples so as not to be unfounded.

Let's start with fairy tales. After all, fairy tales are the first thing we read to children. Unfortunately, many parents have no idea what attitudes remain in the subconscious of their children after such “fairytale therapy.” Let's look at a few examples.

Snow White

After the death of her mother and father, her witch stepmother tries to kill Snow White. The princess flees. Instead of going to people and asking for help (at a minimum) or raising a rebellion against the witch (don’t forget that Snow White was the heir to the throne), the princess prefers to hide in a forest house and live there with seven strange men of very short stature. When a disgusting old woman (a witch) comes to Snow White’s house, she opens the door for her and invites her into the house (where is the logic in that?). After suffering from food poisoning, Snow White falls into a coma and lies in a glass coffin, waiting for the prince to save her.

Author's notes: And I'm thinking, why couldn't you tell grandma “NO” and not eat the apple?

The child’s conclusions after reading this fairy tale: you need to endure insults and suffer. You need to do this long enough, and then they will certainly take pity on you, and then they will definitely save you.

what it is?

The classic example is an unhappy woman who is unable to leave a tyrant man.

Or a man who has been stalling for many years at a job he hates, endures bullying from colleagues and superiors, but for some reason cannot find another job.

Or a child in class who is constantly mocked by his classmates and even teachers, but he cannot say a word to them.

In general, this is any person whose life resembles a continuous punishment for some unknown sins and misdeeds.

He could achieve a lot, achieve a lot in life and could even become a happy person.

But something is stopping him, for some reason he remains in the status of a petty loser, living as if at half capacity, although he is capable of more.

Let's try to figure out why this happens. So,…

Victim Scenario

- this is a scenario in a person’s life when he chronically suffers damage and suffers from the influence of external circumstances, or from the influence of the specifics of his character and personality.

Everything always falls out of his hands. He has eternal problems at work and in his personal life.

He too often finds himself in situations that cause him harm and suffering.

Starting from constant losses of keys and documents, ending with accidents and disasters.

Colleagues, relatives, friends and even enemies “ride” it. At the same time, it is extremely difficult for him to defend his opinion and confidently say “no.”

In the most severe cases, the victim is constantly being physically and emotionally abused by other people, but is unable to do anything about it.

Such a person, without knowing it, i.e. unconsciously, always internally ready to find himself in the role of a victim, to suffer damage and suffer.

Such a person is overwhelmed with various beliefs that interfere with life.

For example, he perceives the whole world through the prism of such conclusions:

“Something bad can happen at any moment”
“I’m always unlucky! However, that’s what I need..."
“No matter what you do, nothing will work anyway...”
“There is not and will not be anything good in this world...”
“I’m tired of everything, I don’t have the strength...”

It is quite natural that the Pygmalion effect leads to self-realization

such attitudes and everything that the victim expects happens in reality.

Such people are characterized by the scenario algorithms that I described earlier in the article:

13 demons that live inside us

By the way, in fact, many people benefit from playing the role of a victim.

While suffering, a person becomes a beneficiary, deriving a certain benefit from his sacrificial state.

But we will talk about this in the next article.

In the meantime, let's look at what it is...

Psychology of the victim

and what are its main features

A person acting out such a scenario has the following traits:

Low self-esteem and self-doubt
Feelings of guilt and feelings of inferiority
Depression, increased anxiety and suspiciousness
Feeling of insecurity and fear of the world
Self-pity, which goes hand in hand with criticism and even self-hatred
Egocentrism
Perfectionism
Fear of failure and fear of success
Feeling of hopelessness and impasse
Blaming attitude towards others
Painful perception of criticism
Inability to stand up for yourself and express your opinion
Infantilism
Narcissism
Constant dissatisfaction with your life and relationships with other people
Various ailments and diseases of the asthenic type (for example, all kinds of neuroses, depression, neuralgia and neuritis, vegetative-vascular dystonia, pain syndromes, in particular headaches and back pain, sensitivity disorders, bronchial asthma, etc.)

It is not at all necessary that all these personality traits be present in one person.

4-5 are enough for a person to begin to, to one degree or another, act out the scenario of a human victim.

In the next article I will look at this issue in more detail.

Now let's answer the question...

How

Cinderella

Cinderella, despite the fact that she is the legal heir of all property, endures bullying from her stepmother (victim behavior). When the stepmother rudely refuses Cinderella's request to go to the ball, she runs into an abandoned garden and cries bitterly (victim behavior again).

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a magical fairy appears, gives Cinderella a dress, shoes and a carriage, and sends her to the ball. Cinderella meets the prince.

The prince falls in love with Cinderella at first sight! The girl has a unique chance to become a princess. But she prefers to run away again into slavery to her stepmother, because (attention!) she is afraid that the prince will not like her old dress. What stopped you from telling the prince that it would be uncomfortable to dance in the dress the fairy gave him (or spill wine on the dress)? What stopped you from asking the prince for a new dress? What prevented you from going and calmly changing clothes (and doing it BEFORE 12-00)?

The child’s conclusions after reading the fairy tale: you need to endure, no matter how much they bully you, only then will you be good. You cannot say “NO” and defend personal boundaries. You need to live your dream and wait for the prince to save you.

Rapunzel

A girl with very long hair lives in a high tower (almost 18 years old) and is waiting for someone to save her. I don’t understand what prevented the girl from tying her own braid to a hook on the wall (and it was there!) and going down (like climbers going down a rope)?

The child’s conclusions after reading the fairy tale: solving problems on your own is difficult or even impossible. You have to sit in a tower and wait 16-18 years until someone jumps up and evacuates you from dangerous territory.

Scarlet Sails

One girl, aged 8, was told that one day a prince would come for her on a ship with scarlet sails and take her to a distant country. The girl walks along the shore for years, waiting for a miracle. In the village no one likes her and they even consider her crazy.

What prevented the girl from going to another country on her own and finding a prince there? But no, it’s better to stomp along the shore and wait for years for HE to land “in scarlet shorts, on scarlet sails.”

Do you find it funny? Me too. What conclusions should the child draw after this? You will say that this is only in foreign literature. Nothing like this! Ours is even worse! Read Russian fairy tales: “In the dungeon, the princess is grieving. And the brown wolf serves her faithfully.” The absence of any action regarding your life is welcome!

Cheburashka

“Suddenly a wizard will fly in in a blue helicopter and show a movie for free. He’ll wish me a happy birthday and probably leave me five hundred popsicles as a gift.”

Question: what stopped you from buying ice cream yourself? What stopped you from going to the movies? Of course, 500 popsicles can cause diarrhea, but at least one popsicle could be bought without a wizard? No! Everyone is waiting for happiness to fall on them.

Here's another example about a birthday.

Fly Tsokotukha

The fly celebrates his birthday. A house full of guests (I counted at least 8). Suddenly a spider appears, ties up a fly and plans to dine on it in front of an astonished audience. And no one will even budge: “Perish - perish, Birthday Girl!”

That is, in fact, no one takes responsibility to save the fly. What stopped them from organizing against the spider and killing/driving it out together? But no, everyone hid and waited for a wonderful mosquito that would fly in and save everyone.

Victim syndrome in children

The same line of behavior can be seen literally everywhere: “I don’t have to do anything about this, I’ll sit, wait, be patient (the key word is be patient), maybe everything will go away on its own. If I endure, they will definitely take pity on me and save me. And then everything will naturally change for the better.”

And we feed children with these attitudes. And then we think, why is my child so indecisive? Why is the sloppiness growing? This is probably for dad!

Did someone teach him to be successful? Yes, he is used to waiting for everything to be decided and done for him! How many times a day is a child allowed to be a leader? For example, you say to your daughter: “Masha, choose what dress you want to wear to kindergarten? Red or green? Do you want green? But I didn’t guess right! We'll wear red. It gets dirty less!”

We made a choice, it’s called. Why ask then? Then at school, Mashenka’s classmates will also be in charge, because she is used to having everything decided for her at home.

It also often happens that parents demand too much from their child. You have to be like this, study like this, go there, work there, etc. A child must be able to sing, read the fastest, draw the best, dance the best, take first place in competitions and olympiads, study with excellent marks, and cross-stitch at night. Moreover, this is said by parents who themselves have never done anything like this. Parents thus try to make their unrealized dreams come true in their child.

Most often, the child does not cope with the entire list of requirements. And then he develops a guilt complex, which then develops into a victim complex. The child thinks: “If I can’t cope, then I am to blame, and if I am to blame, then I must suffer.” This is a classic from childhood. Passive reactions are becoming the norm.

Types of victims. Psychology of the victim.

The most common need of the Victim is to deserve, earn love and approval. In this case, all methods are good to satisfy this need. But at the same time they are very destructive for the psyche, for relationships, for the person who plays the role of the Victim.

All Victim strategies lead to disappointment, suffering, and misfortune. Love cannot be earned or earned, begged, begged, or suffered.

Today I want to share with you common variations of the Victim role depending on the method of receiving love. Of course, this list can be expanded and expanded.

Submissive Victim

The submissive Victim lives by other people's rules, in the interests of other people, does not have his own opinion or even the right to an opinion. She agrees to put herself in last place and voluntarily dissolves in other people; for her this is a manifestation of love. Next to her, as a rule, is a tyrant and tormentor. The submissive Victim does not realize that he is a Victim; it seems to her that this is how it should be. This was the custom in her family, in her parental family, for her such life is the norm.

Such a person strives to earn love through obedience, patience and submission. But this is precisely what pushes other people away from him. Over time, such a Victim begins to be despised and neglected.

Rebellious Victim

The rebellious Victim lives by someone else’s rules, but periodically goes on “strikes.” “Strikes” always lead to conflicts. A day or two passes, the “strike” is suppressed, and everything returns to normal. Such a person is trying to “win” love and approval. He feels like a Fighter, even a Hero, and often does not realize himself in the role of a Victim. Fighting is a destructive and losing way to earn love and approval.

Pleaser/Pleasant

A person strives to earn love and approval, recognition and gratitude, by being helpful, pleasing others, to the detriment of his own interests. It seems to him that the more he loves the other, flatters and pleases him, the better their relationship will be. This is what happens at first. But the more one pleases, the more impudent the other becomes and sits very comfortably “on the neck of the pleaser.” The saint expects at least gratitude from his loved ones, but his loved ones take everything for granted. Over time, the sacrificial position of the pleaser and the tyranny of the tyrant intensify, and the situation worsens. It is impossible to get love through pleasing.

Hard worker

This person strives to earn love and approval by working hard. He can work hard at work or only at home (in the role of a downtrodden housewife), or in two shifts at work and at home. At first, the workaholic is full of enthusiasm. But sooner or later a person “burns out”, becomes energetically devastated and gets sick, that is, turns into a Victim. He constantly expects gratitude and recognition of his merits from other people, but his relatives do not appreciate the workaholic and do not feel any gratitude towards him. On the contrary, they would like the workaholic to stop working so much and finally start spending time with them.

Poor guy

This Victim seeks to earn love by arousing pity for himself. Such a person may be “perpetually sick,” “perpetually drunk,” “perpetually poor,” “perpetually unlucky in love,” or “perpetually a loser.” Remember “She loved him for his torment, and he loved her for her compassion for them”? In Russia, love has long been associated with pity. When they said: “I feel sorry for him,” they meant “I love him.” But pity is actually not love, but hidden aggression. This is the kind of “surrogate for love” that Poor Guy receives.

Victim - 33 misfortunes

Such a person constantly gets into various troubles: accidents, accidents, and every now and then he finds himself a victim of robbery or violence. He constantly gets injured when he falls out of the blue. Something always happens to him. “He’s just in trouble!” With all these situations, he attracts pity and attention to himself, that is, love.

Scapegoat

No matter what happens, and no matter who is actually to blame, the “scapegoat” is always punished. He is always to blame for everything. It is very convenient for others to “attribute” the causes of their problems to a “scapegoat”. And the “scapegoat”, taking upon himself the sins of others, feels his need and need.

A deeply loving victim

This person has his own way of earning love - through suffering and the power of his love. It seems to him that if he loves another person very, very deeply, with torment and suffering, he will be able to awaken love in the other. This is again a road to nowhere. The more such a person loves and suffers, the more disrespect, and then contempt, the beloved experiences for him. Such a Victim suffers from love addiction.

Holy Martyr/Martyr

This noble Victim devotes his life to loved ones, relatives, family, and actually sacrifices himself. She doesn't please, she doesn't humiliate. Quite the opposite: she is full of dignity and proudly bears her destiny. Her loved ones “sit on her neck,” but she does not complain, she endures all adversity steadfastly, silently and patiently. Next to such a Victim there are always “goats” who use her and, of course, do not appreciate her. The Holy Martyr earns love through martyrdom in the name of family, children, husband/wife, sick relatives, through feeling needed, useful and necessary (“they won’t survive without him”).

Helpless Victim

In contrast to the “holy martyr,” the helpless victim “gives up” at the first difficulties. She lives with attitudes: “I can’t do anything”, “I’m afraid”, “I can’t”, “I don’t know how”, “I can’t do anything”, “I’ll never succeed”, “from I won’t be of any use.” This is how “learned helplessness syndrome” manifests itself, which is formed in childhood up to 8 years. It is not innate. The parents themselves unconsciously teach it to their child, doing and deciding everything for him. The helpless Victim wins love with his helplessness and weakness.

Excellent student/Excellent student

This Victim, on the contrary, knows and can do everything, and not just how, but “excellently.” As a child, the Excellent Girl won love with “A” grades, and then by trying to do everything she did perfectly. An excellent student is a perfectionist and strives for perfection: she is an ideal housewife, an ideal mother, an ideal wife, an ideal lover, an ideal specialist, an ideal employee. But for some reason I’m always tired, irritated and completely exhausted. This is how the Excellence complex manifests itself. An excellent student is a victim of himself, he voluntarily “puts everyone on his neck,” but he rapes himself and destroys himself.

Always the guilty victim

This Victim has a guilt complex. Such a person chronically experiences feelings of guilt for any reason. And this guilt is often contrived by himself. A person may blame himself for the death of someone close to him, for the fact that his loved ones are sick or experiencing problems. Well, since he is guilty, then he must be punished. And a person subconsciously strives for punishment in the form of illness, trouble, problems. Sometimes he mentally says to himself: “That’s what I need. It’s my own fault!” or “That’s what I need, I don’t deserve anything good.” Let’s say a woman can blame herself for her mother’s illness (“I got on her nerves”) and for her child’s illness (“the child is responsible for my sins”), for her husband’s infidelity (“I’m a bad wife”) and subconsciously punish herself by getting sick, getting injured, suffering. This person takes full responsibility for everything and everyone upon himself. And often takes on someone else's responsibility.

Causes. How does a person fall into the role of Victim?

Victims are introduced to this role in childhood. Further life is often a reinforcement, a rehearsal for playing this role at a high level.

There are several reasons for getting into this role.

The child grows up in an atmosphere where this role is very actively present. He simply copies what he sees. For example, mother and grandmother play the role of victim in life. The girl will automatically absorb this behavior, copy it, reproduce it.
For women, the role of victim is often formed against the backdrop of her relationship with her father. A father can be very loved. This can be a very kind, sympathetic person. But the girl sees that in many life situations he cannot stand up for himself, for her, for his family. And she feels ashamed of her father. Internally she decides to be strong. Subconsciously, to be able to stand up for yourself. Growing up, such a woman becomes a Victim. But not weak, but strong. For example, as described above - the Holy Martyr.
Authoritarian upbringing contributes to the formation of the Victim role. This can be humiliation, punishment, when the child is rejected or betrayed, criticized. Or, on the contrary, they are overly sorry and protective.

Authoritarianism can also be due to the fact that excessive demands are made. And then the Victim-Excellent Student is born.

In all cases, the child experiences a lack of love from his parents. After all, even if parents take care of him, then only when they consider it necessary or important.

Naturally, the child begins to look for ways to receive this love. And he is looking for ways: to serve, to earn money, to be helpless, irreplaceable, “poor,” “terrible,” labor, “A” grades, etc.

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Why do victims often get sick?

It is important to understand that sacrifice is always a calculation. The victim always lays down his hidden benefit. In fact, this is always shifting responsibility onto another person. This is an unwillingness to take responsibility for your life.

Victimhood is a child's position. Banal infantilism. Not being responsible is always very convenient. But there is one minus. Reluctance to take responsibility gives rise to the need to worry. And experiences lead to the destruction of the body. Psychosomatics is included. What’s most interesting is that the body consciously adjusts.

For example, a man sits on the sofa and says: “I can’t support my family.” In a couple of months he will either have a heart attack or become disabled. To confirm that he really cannot support his family. That is, reality adjusts. Therefore, it is important to understand the hidden benefits of the disease.

For example, you see that a child is often sick. Ask yourself the question: “Why is my child sick? For what?"

Maybe you work like a horse, and your child sees you only on holidays, and even then not always? Maybe that's why he wants mom to stay at home? Or maybe he is being bullied at school? And so he includes the disease just to avoid going to this school. He wants to lie down at home.

Or you get sick often. Look what's happening. Answer the question: “Why do I need this disease?” Maybe your body is categorically against you dragging yourself to an unloved job with a boss you hate? Maybe that's why diseases appear so often?

Understand that the disease is given to you FOR PAIN. That's why it's called illness. So, what is your pain? What is your benefit?

Or maybe you want attention? Everyone around is like: “Oh-oh-oh, poor thing!” This is the mentality of an eternal patient, so that everyone would wear tangerines for you and remember you more often. A pattern has been written into my subconscious: if I am NOT sick, no one pays attention to me. And as soon as I start complaining about fate or getting sick, the hall is full of spectators. Everyone was like that and came running. And every day they ask how you are doing. So maybe you just want attention from other people?

The hidden benefits of diseases are perfectly revealed in the song from the cartoon “Smeshariki”:

“How nice it is to get sick! Everyone will feel sorry for you! And when he recovers from his illness, everyone becomes more kind... And they shake their heads: “Oh, you poor patient.”
Smeshariki, series "ORZ"

Woman victim: changing the situation with our own hands

A female victim is a very common phenomenon. Psychologists talk in detail about the characteristics of this type of people and how to go from a victim to a loving and beloved woman.

The victim woman is a type of woman that can be found everywhere. This psychological state does not depend on age, financial situation, or status. It does not depend on the real state of affairs. “Victim” is a state of mind.

There are women who believe that everything in their lives is bad. They think that their husband doesn’t love them, their children don’t listen, their co-workers don’t understand or respect them, their boss is nagging, and so on. They communicate with the outside world mainly through complaints. Why is this happening? Indeed, very often such complaints do not have serious grounds. When the cause of the misfortune is eliminated, the situation is resolved, then, it would seem, such a woman should breathe a sigh of relief and begin to enjoy life.

But this does not happen, since there is a new reason for all troubles and failures. A distinctive feature of all “victims” is their reluctance to correct the situation and do anything in order to find happiness and harmony with themselves and the world around them. They may not realize it, but they are quite happy with this state of affairs, since they experience a certain moral satisfaction from their constant complaints.

“I became a victim of my love. “- with such a statement, women often turn to a specialist and ask him to provide help. However, according to psychologists, everything is not so simple. When starting to analyze her situation, the specialist, as a rule, offers possible solutions to the problem, but the woman does not seem to hear him.

She doesn’t want to change anything in her life at all. She is content with the role of a victim whom everyone pities, and from a specialist she wants to hear words of compassion rather than receive real help. For her, being a victim is beneficial. This role allows her to achieve everyone's attention, sympathy, and pity. To get out of this state is to lose the support of relatives and friends. They will no longer feel sorry for her, which means she will lose certain benefits and indulgences.

By constantly complaining, she allows herself to be late for work, not prepare lunch, and so on. And people forgive her for this, attributing it to a bad mood, problems in the family. The role of the victim is very selfish. It allows a woman not to fulfill her obligations to other people. Naturally, not everyone decides to leave this game. Experts believe that the psychology of the victim is formed at an early age.

There are several possible reasons for this type of behavior. As a rule, the psychology of the victim is formed in those girls whose mothers live according to this scenario. Since childhood, they have watched their mothers endlessly complain about life. The reason for complaints can be anything: a tyrant husband, an evil mother-in-law, a bad boss, and so on. Basically, of course, such women complain about family life.

It happens that complaints turn out to be unfounded, but, as a rule, something is really going wrong in the family. Such women very often come across cruel husbands who subjugate them to their will. Why is this happening? The answer is simple: instead of repelling the tyrant and divorcing him, the “victim” only evokes pity, which gives the man a certain feeling of impunity and enrages him even more.

A girl who grows up in such a family learns a similar model of relationships and, most likely, as an adult, will live according to the same scenario. Her mother cannot organize her own life and shows her helplessness. She teaches her daughter this helplessness. There is a high probability that in the future she will be humiliated and pitied in the same way. Often the role of a tyrant and a person who pities the “victim” is played by the same person.

Another reason for the formation of the image of a “victim” may be the excessive love of her parents for the girl, or her illness at an early age. In such situations, parents take care of their daughter from an early age, feel sorry for her, and do not burden her with homework. Psychologists believe that this behavior of parents is not the norm. By such actions they ruin the child’s entire life, while at the same time they themselves experience a certain psychological comfort.

The “victim” is easier to manage and much easier to find a common language with. Experts believe that such behavior, when a person feels the need to constantly take pity on someone, is a form of psychological vampirism. Living according to this scenario, people feed off other people’s energy and experience a sense of moral satisfaction from this.

This can be very bad for the child. In addition to the fact that the girl gradually gets used to the image of a victim imposed on her, she also experiences fear of not committing actions that could upset her parents. It is very difficult to get rid of the image of a victim sitting inside. But experts say that everything is possible and this life scenario can and should be broken.

First of all, it is important for a woman or young girl to understand her problem, the reasons for its occurrence and why she has not yet gotten rid of this role. Without realizing your problem, turning to a psychologist in this case is useless, because the “victim” will only expect pity from the specialist, but not real help.

But helping a person who is not internally ready to accept this is not so easy. Moreover, it is practically impossible. Once the woman understands her situation, the specialist will be able to begin working with her. First of all, he will advise the woman to stop feeling sorry for herself and shifting all the blame for the current situation onto other people. She must understand that a person himself is responsible for his actions.

If she believes that her husband, colleagues or other people are treating her inappropriately, most likely she herself is to blame for this attitude. By allowing herself to be humiliated and then regretted, the woman showed those around her that she could be treated this way. It is difficult to reverse this situation, but it is important to act clearly and decisively. There is no need to try to fix anything gradually.

It’s better to have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband, colleagues or acquaintances and tell them that such a relationship is unacceptable. People need to make it clear that from now on their communication will develop only according to a scenario that suits both parties. Otherwise, the relationship will be severed. The most important thing is to nip in the bud all manifestations of pity, which at first will be commonplace. It is not so easy to break a script that has been formed over the years.

At this moment, a woman may need qualified help. There is no need to be ashamed of your experiences. A competent specialist will always listen and give advice on how to quickly cope with a particular situation. If someone from your inner circle continues to show pity with particular persistence, you need to stop communicating with such a person, or protect yourself from him as much as possible, at least for a while.

In order to finally stop feeling sorry for yourself and feel true happiness and satisfaction from life, it is important to find yourself in creativity, in the profession, in relationships with men. It is important not to focus on your problem. After all, a truly successful person evokes only admiration and this is the height to which one should strive.

It is important to show your independence and ability to maintain dignity in any situation. You need to understand that self-esteem is the most important thing and cannot be lost under any circumstances. After all, having exchanged it for the dubious pleasure of communicating with a tyrant, a person loses himself, his individuality, his true face, and allows another person to invade his own life.

The task of every psychologist is to help representatives of the fair sex go through the difficult path from victim to loving and beloved woman. Experts assure that this is possible, but for this, faith in success is important.

Victims like to provoke themselves into suffering

Constantly returning to painful memories. Victims often live in the past. These people are often offended. It has been noticed that mentally healthy people do not look for a second meaning in words, but victims always try to find some subtext or hidden meaning in other people’s words in order to be offended once again.

Victims ignore their desires and push themselves into last place. And they do absolutely nothing to change the situation.

Victims constantly shift responsibility to other people. All victims are manipulators (even unconsciously). With the help of feelings of pity, the victim beats out of another person what she wants to receive (love, money, attention, care). Therefore, if you notice victim scenarios in your behavior, it’s time to change!

Psychology of the victim: why women are unhappy in life

Sacrifice is a choice

A woman makes the choice to consider herself betrayed, unlucky, deceived, deprived. Deceived by whom? First of all, of course, by men. One left in English, the other promised to marry, but after the first close contact disappeared, the third lived in her apartment for three years, was washed and treated kindly, took out a loan for her, and then went to her neighbor Katya. And since the three men that such a woman met in her life turned out to be scoundrels, it means: “All men are goats! There are no real ones left! You can’t trust anyone, everyone thinks only about themselves.”

The victim woman is haunted by the desire to criticize everyone on the planet, often experiencing disappointment, mistrust, feelings of fear and loneliness.

“A woman who has suffered emotional trauma needs help. But instead of turning to close people for her, she talks about scoundrels at every corner, offering to share her indignation and thereby arouse sympathy. Only other victims will want to share such negative thoughts. A self-sufficient person does not look for those to blame - he looks for ways to solve the problem. And for the victim, the source of misfortune is the entire district: men, the government, mother, envious people, and so on,” commented psychologist Alexander Shakhov.

The problem is that if a person chooses to live in a garbage dump, then he only meets homeless people, because that’s where they belong. If a woman finds herself surrounded exclusively by scoundrel men, then the question arises: why did she choose such an environment?

How to help the victim

The essence of the scenario is that someone is stopping her: a male pursuer and insurmountable circumstances. She waits for a savior, but does nothing to solve the problem on her own. Let's figure out how we can help her.

“Sacrifice is not meant literally here. This is a role in a psychological game. You can read more about this in the book “Games People Play” by Eric Berne. The game the victim plays is called the Karpman Triangle. If a woman complains to you about her hard life, it means she is inviting you to become her savior. You have to advise and teach her, solve her problems, reproach her for her weakness, worry about her... And this is how you will get involved in the game. It’s sometimes difficult to get out of it,” said Shakhov.

The victim is capable of dealing with his problems himself, but he does not want to do this. But she wants pity, which she mistakes for love. The victim’s favorite phrase: “Yes, but...”. For example: “Yes, I can leave my husband, but then the children will be left without a father.” Or: “Yes, I can try to find another partner, but I’m already over 30, and men prefer young people.” All the excuses that the victim finds to maintain his current situation are inadequate. “A woman with children will never find a partner,” “my husband won’t let me go,” “I will be left without a roof over my head.” The Savior takes them at face value. And here comes a chance to escape the scenario.

Laugh openly at the victim's excuses. Not over her suffering, because she really does suffer, but over what comes after “yes, but...”. The victim at this moment expects that she will be taught, instructed, pitied, reproached for her softness, but she does not expect laughter, she is not capable of self-irony. The inability to laugh at oneself is a very likely sign of neuroticism.

“By ridiculing the victim's ridiculous excuses, you will give her the opportunity to escape the script. Recognize that her reasons for not wanting to solve the problem are inadequate, laugh with you, and then still take responsibility. And either look for a way out and act, or be offended and move on to the next phase of the game, when you will be the terrible insensitive monster. By the way, laughter is an excellent cure for many psychological problems,” the expert concluded.

The time for sacrifice is over. It's time to finally take responsibility into your own hands!

Let's look at the word "responsibility". It consists of two words: “answer” and “ability”. That is, this is the ability to hold yourself accountable for your actions. This is the ability to be responsible for everything that happens in your life.

Let's look at a couple of examples to make it clear. For example, you constantly spin the thought in your head that your husband is an idiot. By the way, a moron is a person who lived with a moron for a very long time. Take responsibility! Call a spade a spade. If your husband is a goat, then you are a goat, and you have kids.

If he is such a monster as you say, then answer the question: how did he even end up in the same registry office with you? Why did you end up in the same place, in the same registry office, at the same ceremony? You weren't sold in a sack in marriage and your parents exchanged you for two sheep, were you? At least I hope so. There are no such traditions for a long time.

You most likely met this person? Did you choose him? Have you looked at his actions? Or did you not look at anything, but just jumped out to marry the first person you met? But then it is no longer a responsibility.

How to overcome victim syndrome?

You cannot do without the professional help of a psychologist. A visit to a specialist is a prerequisite for curing the “victim”. You can try to overcome this phenomenon on your own, and also ask your loved ones for help.

How to get rid of it and what should be done about it? To begin with, gather your thoughts and set a goal - to say goodbye to this disease forever! Rethink your behavior, notice not only your shortcomings, but also your strengths. Keep records of successes and achievements, albeit minor, but still.

Start a new day with the words: “I can and will overcome anything! I don't need pity!" Let the motto of your life be joy, positive mood, achieving the desired results. Don't be a scapegoat.

In relationships with the opposite sex, act decisively, show initiative and participation. Relationships should be equal in the degree of effort put into their development. Appreciate love, trust and support. Give each other compliments and arrange romantic surprises. Don't let "sacrifice" ruin your feelings.

If you really are a victim in every sense of the word, especially violence that you experience from your husband/wife, a stranger, then do not delay and urgently contact specialized help centers. Delay is dangerous for your health and life!

It is possible to overcome the disease, just be more determined and stronger! Strengthen your character. If you give yourself the mindset for at least a month: “I can do it!” I’m not a victim!”, then everything will certainly work out.

Other examples of what a victim may complain about:

I have a headache!

The head is to blame, not me. I don’t take responsibility for the fact that I go to bed very late, eat haphazardly and don’t exercise. And I visited the doctor 200 years ago.

They bully me at work!

Colleagues are to blame. I do not take responsibility to leave this serpentarium.

The director doesn't pay enough!

The director is to blame. I do not take responsibility that I do not have skills and competencies for which I can pay more.

The cat tore up the chair!

It's the cat's fault, of course. I do not take responsibility for the fact that I do not train the cat and did not buy him a scratching post.

There are only pigs living in the entrance! They litter constantly!

The neighbors are to blame. I don't take responsibility that I can move to another place. Or gather residents and organize a vigil at the entrance.

How tired I am of work!

Blame the work. I don't take responsibility to adjust my schedule.

The Englishwoman at my son’s school is a complete fool. Constantly lowering his grades!

The teacher is to blame, not me. I do not take responsibility for hiring a tutor for my son or transferring my child to another class.

All the buns are sold out!

Buyers are to blame. I don't take responsibility that I came too late.

My daughter is completely out of control! He doesn't listen!

The daughter is to blame. I don’t take responsibility for the fact that I don’t know how to educate and build relationships.

The employees are sheep! They constantly mess up.

The employees are to blame. I don’t take responsibility for the fact that I don’t know how to clearly set tasks and control them.

I could give even more examples, but I think you already understand the meaning. It is important to learn to take responsibility in any situation!

As homework, I suggest you catch yourself in situations where you blame others and rewrite your behavior script.

If you need my help, I'm just one click away. You can find me here. Be sure to follow me on social networks and come to my online consultations.

If the article inspired you, then share it with your friends and family right now. The more people start working on themselves, the better! Your future is in your hands! Take action!

Why do people play the role of the victim and how does this condition manifest itself?

This is the first article in a series about the role of victimhood and how it manifests in your life.

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