For lack of fish and cancer, fish, I thought, before trying to restore the libido that had fallen during quarantine with the help of my imagination. Closing my eyes, I gave free rein to my imagination - let any image come that could shake up my sexuality, which had fallen into suspended animation.
And then the image of an ex pops up, playing tricks on me that used to blow my mind.
Now I’m trying to get it out of my head: these phantom memories cause nothing but anxiety and nausea. I know how this person lives now, what he posts and what he wants - all this does not fit into my values, which means I shouldn’t even dream about him. But something went wrong.
And okay, if it was just one time, but the lover from the past began to visit me too often, and the more I wanted to get rid of him, the brighter the pictures became. I had two options: either I diagnose some kind of perversion in myself, or find out if this happens to others.
I ask in the post: have you ever had obsessive sexual fantasies and what did you do with them? I'm crossing my fingers that I'll be okay. I get answers from 20 friends who have been bothered by sexy mirages at least once in their lives. I exhale.
It turns out this is a common phenomenon that has a scientific name: sexual obsessions. Psychologist Elaine Sandra Byers and her colleagues surveyed 171 female and male students, and found that 84% of respondents had such thoughts. Moreover, men reported this more often than women, who, by the way, had practically no erotic response to such images.
Is there something wrong with me?
Obsessive sexual fantasies are like spam that your filter somehow keeps letting through. Most often, they do not cause excitement, interest, or a desire to make them more detailed, but they bring with them anxiety, disgust, irritation, shame and guilt (combinations of emotions can be different). This is how they differ from fantasies, which are pleasant to masturbate to.
"For many people, it's like discovering an animal inside you," says Pepper Schwartz, a sociologist at the University of Washington who studies sexuality and sexual fantasy.
We worry about sexual orientation in our fantasy, sexual aggression toward ourselves or others, and taboos like pedophilia, bestiality, or incest.
In an anonymous survey that I published on social networks, I was told exactly these thoughts.
“From the age of 16-17, I was haunted by homosexual fantasies - how I give blowjobs, kiss with guys, how I am seduced. At 28, I decided to bring them to life. I didn’t like gay sex, but the fantasies didn’t go away. Although I don’t want to repeat it anymore.”
“I have fantasies about sex with my father or brother. When I get out of the shower in a towel, I get the feeling that now one of them will come out, lose their composure, and everything will happen. This is especially wild for me also because I prefer sex with women.”
“I fantasize about a taxi driver who once in reality tried to rape me while drunk. This mental chewing gum simply does not give rest. Before my eyes I see his penis in a condom, the thought of me taking it into my mouth. This makes me feel sick. I don't even know how to get rid of it. The more I force myself not to think about it, the more clearly I see it.”
Sexologist Olga Lee recalls that in her practice there were similar cases, although isolated:
“The fantasies that troubled my clients were usually associated with violence, necrophilia, bestiality. And my professor had a patient who imagined his mother during sex. Because of this, he always chose partners older than himself or turned to sex workers who were 50-60 years old.”
These images not only cause panic, but also make a person doubt his true desires.
“If I think about sex with my dad, my ex, or my pet, does that mean I really want to experience it?”
Doctor of psychology Chad Wetterneck says that you can distinguish imaginary desires from fantasies that you really want to realize by feeling doubt. “If you’re not sure, then you don’t want it,” he says.
the Forbidden fruit is sweet
For some people, imagining rape scenes causes mild discomfort, while for others it causes despair. The fact is that the latter begin to worry about the meaning of such fantasies and thereby give them power. People can become fixated on them, feel ashamed and send them to the dark basements of the psyche - unlike those who are able to quickly sweep them out of their consciousness, simply by closing their eyes tighter.
But for both of them, these fantasies (fleeting or lingering in the head) bring negativity, because they are based on established sociocultural stereotypes. After all, first we are stuffed with rules in the style of “do not commit adultery in your thoughts,” and then they invite us to reconsider our outdated views in accordance with modern political trends and scientific discoveries. Many liberal doctrines criticize traditional religion for controlling human thoughts, but they themselves label what is politically correct and what is not.
Imagine the internal conflict of a man who respects the rights and feelings of women, but at the same time dreams of raping his girlfriend.
Or the dissonance of a feminist who would happily allow herself to be handcuffed and morally humiliated. What should they do?
Sexuality is an area teeming with contradictions. We are told how great it is to manifest it, but we are warned to be careful, because it can overflow. Such fluid boundaries not only make us vulnerable to unwanted sexual fantasies, but also deprive us of tools to combat them—counterarguments that could break the belief that these thoughts are “dirty” and “wild.”
Article “Development of fantasy and imagination in children”
Development of fantasy and imagination in children.
First, let's look at what imagination and fantasy are? These are types of thinking, this is the ability to mentally imagine what is not there from what is in memory. In other words, imagination is an active creative process of creating new knowledge (new ideas) from old knowledge. What is the difference between fantasy and imagination? If imagination is the ability to mentally create new ideas and images of possible and impossible objects based on real knowledge, then fantasy is the creation of also new, but unreal, fabulous, yet impossible situations and objects, but also based on real knowledge. For example, the winged horse Pegasus, the Death's Head in Pushkin's fairy tale "Ruslan and Lyudmila", the fables of Baron Munchausen, Pinocchio, the Steadfast Tin Soldier - these are fantastic images.
There are several types of imagination:
1. Recreating is the representation of images according to a pre-compiled description, for example, when reading books, poems, notes, drawings, mathematical symbols. Otherwise, this type of imagination is called reproductive, reproducing, remembering.
2. Creative is the independent creation of new images according to one’s own design. Children call this “out of the head.” It is this type of imagination that will be the subject of our study and development in children.
3. The uncontrollable is what is called a “wild fantasy,” an absurdity, a set of unrelated absurdities.
How is fantasy and imagination different from serious problem solving?
When imagining, the child himself creates any plot he wants, including a fairy tale, any situation he wants, any problem he wants, and solves it himself in any way he wants. Any solution is acceptable. And when solving real problems, the child is looking not for any solution, but for a real, “adult”, serious, feasible solution. In both cases, he creates, but with fantasy there is more freedom, since there are no prohibitions from physical laws and much knowledge is not required. That is why it is better to begin the development of children’s thinking with the development of imagination.
What is the difference between fantasy and stupidity?
When fantasy is harmful, it becomes stupidity. Stupidity is a stupid, ridiculous, unnecessary, unreasonable, incorrect, harmful, inappropriate act or statement that does not bring honor to the one who committed it. Of course, one must take into account the person’s age, conditions and goals of the action.
Is all fantasy good? There is a general criterion for assessing the quality of all affairs on Earth - this is an increase in goodness in the world.
The classic vehicle of fantasy is the fairy tale.
What is the difference between a fairy tale and science fiction? In science fiction, technically feasible situations, elements or processes are considered, and in a fairy tale, any. It should be noted that there is also no sharp boundary between fantastic and real solutions. For example, what was considered fantasy in the time of Jules Verne is now everyday reality. G. A. Altshuller calculated that out of 108 (!) ideas and forecasts of J. Verne, 99 (90%) were implemented. Herbert Wells has 77 out of 86, Alexander Belyaev has 47 out of 50.
When a child selflessly tells fables with his own participation, he is not lying; in our usual understanding, he is composing. It doesn't matter to him whether it's real or not real. And this shouldn’t be important to us, what’s important is that the child’s brain works and generates ideas. However, you should still pay attention to what the child dreams of. If he talks all the time about his non-existent friends, about gentle parents or about toys, then maybe he suffers, dreams about it and thus pours out his soul? Help him immediately.
Why develop fantasy and imagination?
They say: “Without imagination there is no consideration.” A. Einstein considered the ability to imagine higher than knowledge, because he believed that without imagination it is impossible to make discoveries. K. E. Tsiolkovsky believed that cold mathematical calculation is always preceded by imagination.
Sometimes in everyday life fantasy and imagination are understood as something empty, unnecessary, lightweight, and not having any practical application. In fact, as practice has shown, a well-developed, bold, controlled imagination is an invaluable property of original, non-standard thinking.
It is difficult for children to think “according to the laws,” but if they are taught to fantasize and not be criticized for it, then children fantasize easily and with pleasure, especially if they are also praised.
Apparently, this is how children subconsciously learn to think - through play. We need to take advantage of this and develop imagination and imagination from early childhood. Let children “invent their own bicycles.” Anyone who did not invent bicycles as a child will not be able to invent anything at all.
How to develop fantasy and imagination in children?
There are three laws for the development of creative imagination:
1. The creative activity of the imagination is directly dependent on the richness and diversity of a person’s previous personal experience.
Indeed, every imagination is built from real elements; the richer the experience, the richer the imagination. Hence the corollary: we need to help the child accumulate experience, images and knowledge (erudition) if we want him to be a creative person.
2. You can imagine something that you haven’t seen yourself, but have heard or read about, that is, you can fantasize based on someone else’s experience. For example, you can imagine an earthquake or a tsunami, although you have never seen it. Without training it is difficult, but possible.
3. The content of imaginary objects or phenomena depends on our feelings at the moment of fantasy. Conversely, the subject of fantasy affects our feelings. You can “fantasize” your future in such a way that it will be a guide for your whole life, or you can imagine horrors and be afraid to enter a dark room. Feelings, like thoughts, drive creativity.
Neurotransmitters and self-esteem
In addition to psychologists, neuroscientists also study the topic. Canadian professor Adam Radomski surveyed 777 college students from 13 countries. 94% of participants said that over the past three months they had had intrusive thoughts more than once, and not only of a sexual nature. Radomski suggested that along with the tendency to multitask and think about several things at once, evolution has given us the ability to ruminate - constantly ruminating on the same thoughts. This is a reminder that nothing is perfect.
Ideal end result method
The goal of the ideal end result method is to determine the methods that are necessary to solve a certain problem, as well as to assess how effective a particular technique will be. At the same time, resource costs should be minimal, and complications and undesirable consequences should not arise.
When using this method, you need to determine which characteristics of the object are most important for solving the problem, then you need to determine the ideal solution and strive for it.
In order to formulate the ideal final result, it is advisable to follow the following recommendations:
- do not determine in advance the degree of reality of what is being done
- do not think in advance about ways to achieve results
- maximum use of available resources
- using a template solution
Don't think about the polar bear
Another reason for a jammed record is past experience that came out sideways through fantasy. This could be childhood trauma, religious upbringing, sexual abuse, a tragic separation from a partner - anything that once caused such strong feelings that a person decided to hide them.
“People often solve their psychological problems through sex and fantasies. Let's say a person claims that he needs violence in bed. This may indicate that in this way he resolves issues with his inner victim and executioner. In life he is such a dominant that in sex he needs to be completely submissive.
If a person imagines sexual intercourse with his father or mother, there may be some kind of painful connection with him. Most likely, there were some perisexual traumatic episodes or other experiences associated with parents. Our psyche represses such moments in order to protect itself, so we need to carefully get to the bottom of the trauma so that the person understands the reasons for his fantasy.”
Sexologist and Jungian analyst Olga Lee
Olga Lee clarifies that it is pointless to suppress such desires, because behind them are hidden unlived feelings that will somehow find a way out. But even if such deep experiences are not behind the fantasies, simply clearing them from consciousness will not work. This is proven by the famous experiment of psychologist Daniel Wegner, “The Polar Bear Effect.”
The participants in the experiment were divided into two groups: in the first, people had to think about a polar bear, in the second, they had to not remember about it under any circumstances. As a result, those who were not allowed to think about the bear remembered it about once a minute - more often than those who tried to keep the thought of it in their heads. Wegner believed that by suppressing an idea, the mind monitors the contents of consciousness: whether there is a “forbidden” thought there - and therefore is more sensitive to it. There is a second theory: by trying to distract itself from one topic and thinking about another, the brain creates associations between them. As a result, the distracting idea helps bring back the one that should have blocked it.
Another study found that people who tried to suppress stereotypical or preconceived concepts only made them stronger.
Attempts to get rid of obsessive thoughts can lead to absent-mindedness, increased anxiety, and asociality.
And in extreme cases, they can sublimate into a crime, like the serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer. He admitted to a psychologist that as a child he was tormented by fantasies in which he tortured animals. He tried with all his might not to imagine torture, but in the end these ideas haunted him all his life. He killed 17 people.
What to do?
Here is a paradox of the psyche: what we most do not want or fear comes to our minds again and again. But you can still get rid of obsessive sexual images.
Try to accept that these are just thoughts, and not real desires that require immediate implementation.
Every time an annoying idea comes into your head, tell yourself: “It’s just a fantasy and nothing more.”
This practice is called labeling. A study by American psychologist Matthew Lieberman has proven that it is effective. Participants named the emotions they were experiencing: if they felt anxious, they told themselves: “This is anxiety.” This reduced activity in the amygdala, the part of the brain that controls our fight-or-flight response. Labeling their feelings moved participants from an emotional state to a thinking state.
“When you express feelings in words, you slow down your emotional reactions, just like you step on the brake pedal when you see a yellow light,” Lieberman explained.
The same scheme works with unexpected thoughts.
Some therapists give their clients "permission" to think about forbidden thoughts for some time each day.
In less serious cases, this helps relieve the anxiety associated with these fantasies.
Sexologist Olga Lee explains how she works with such client requests:
“First you need to understand why such fantasies appear. Then remove the focus on this issue, switching the person to other aspects of his life. And for this you need to find out what he wants, what he thinks about himself, what needs he has. I would ask that person to write down the answers because when we write down things like that, we start to look at ourselves differently and focus on something else.”
Olga also recommends mastering various breathing practices to learn how to relax. Basic meditation will do. Developing this skill is important when working not only with sexual issues, but also with other psychological problems.
Forbidden fantasies are a defense mechanism. It is needed so that we are not rejected by society, and our feelings do not tear us apart from the inside.
But if such thoughts linger for a long time, they can disrupt the stability of our psyche. Even the most harmless thoughts about exes, caught in the centrifuge of consciousness, can cause harm if we evaluate them as bad and wrong. Therefore, we must be gentle with ourselves and take more care of our mental health. Tell yourself, “Yes, I fantasize about my ex, but that’s okay. It's just a fantasy. It’s not my fault and I don’t need to be ashamed of it because it’s normal to imagine.”
Methods of imagination
Imagination methods are understood as the consistent use of imagination techniques in order to achieve a certain result. Each method is focused on its specific result.
Imagination techniques are methods used to obtain new images and ideas based on existing ones.
Techniques constitute methods. Imagination methods are as follows:
- method of resolving contradictions
- ideal end result method
- universalization
- morphological method
- brainstorm
- synectics
- sabotage method
- systems method
- association method
- focal object method
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