The times of patriarchy are long gone; women have taken equal positions in the family and society. However, some remnants of the past have reached our days, in particular, the tradition of not respecting a woman and not taking into account her opinion. Some men act as if they just returned from the Middle Ages yesterday.
In such families, the main question for women is how to behave with a tyrant husband? Is it possible to re-educate him? It’s better, of course, to get a divorce, but sometimes feelings or a child get in the way. Therefore, you can try to change it.
Increase your self-esteem and gain financial independence
Due to low self-esteem, some women convince themselves that they deserve such a fate and will no longer be needed by anyone. Therefore, first you need to learn to love and respect yourself. In severe cases, of course, you cannot do without the help of a specialist, but more often a hobby or a job where you have the opportunity to realize yourself helps. Success in your career or studies will make you feel more confident.
In addition, work can provide financial independence from a tyrant. This is one of the levers of pressure on him if he does not want to change.
How does a dictator behave at home?
Any little thing can throw such a person off balance. Starting from a rug that has moved in the hallway and ending with a “wrong dinner”, where the spouse will once again hear that her “hands are growing from the wrong place.” The crust of the meat is not fried enough, the meat is under-salted and the bread is not cut into the right slices. As a rule, everything starts with little things and gradually.
Note that the more difficult a man’s situation at work, the greater the chance that he will take out all his anger on his other half. Typically, tyrant husbands are jealous beyond belief. A woman will face “intrusive interrogation” about why she came home from work 10 minutes later than usual. He may criticize his wife for the makeup she applied, the suit she chose - even if everything is perfect.
Such a man will always try to be nearby if his woman communicates with someone on the phone. Didn't you like someone from your partner's circle? He will make every effort to prevent these individuals from coming to visit. The examples can be given endlessly. Even if there is no reason for a quarrel, a male dictator and tyrant will find a reason to show the qualities of a “real owner” of the house.
Irina Lebed - Husband is a tyrant
The most unpleasant thing about living together with a tyrant is constant humiliation on his part. A woman is constantly told that she is a bad housewife, an unpromising worker in production, a frivolous mother. The tyrant will definitely emphasize that his wife is an unattractive woman (in fact, everything may be the other way around).
He will try to convince his partner that no one needs her but him. Over time, the woman herself begins to believe this. She begins to doubt herself, tries to timidly protest that she is trying.
In response, she hears from her husband that it turns out that he only wishes the best for her and is doing this so that she can re-educate as quickly as possible. As you understand, the more the chosen one tries to please her tyrant husband, the more intensely he looks for mistakes in her affairs and in herself.
Constant humiliation is the main feature of a tyrant
Unfortunately, children also become targets for oppressive individuals. Instead of figuring out why their son or daughter received a low grade at school, they are faced with unpleasant epithets: “mediocre”, “stupid” and complete control of their actions outside of school. Further, the father may criticize the children’s behavior at the table: “you’re holding the spoon wrong,” “you’re cutting the meat incorrectly.”
Over time, family members begin to avoid sharing lunches and dinners with the tyrant. This irritates him even more, and he tries by all means to call the family to order. Severe forms of despotism are manifested in the use of assault by a man towards all family members.
There are cases when a tyrant husband offends one wife morally and physically, and tries to convince his children that he is punishing his mother for her deeds. Often, the husband does not hesitate to slander the woman. For example, a tyrant is always sure that if the chosen one is late at work, then she has a date with her lover.
It doesn't matter that it's not true. The despot’s cunning way of thinking will collect all the imaginary details into an overall picture and try to convince everyone around him that his wife is cheating on him.
Psychotherapists note that cases when a person is born with the innate traits of a tyrant and dictator are rare. But if doctors prove this through genetic testing, then it is not possible to influence the individual. Moreover, such a man can pose a danger not only to his family, but also to society as a whole.
Stop being a victim
Any excuses or pleas for independence from the husband is the behavior of the victim. You need to learn not to react to provocations and stop being offended; this will not lead to anything good.
In response to aggressive attacks, you should not defend yourself, but let everything pass by, as if from a stranger. The tyrant gets emotional fuel from dominance and a sense of superiority. If this connection is broken, he will have nothing to complain about. However, you need to be careful, because this can make him angry, and everything can end in assault.
There is no need for a tyrant in the family
Psychologists urge people to fight for a healthy atmosphere in the home and soft, trusting relationships almost from the first days of married life. Wives are advised to look at their husbands very carefully so as not to miss the moment and, if possible, re-educate the domestic tyrant.
For example, you need to monitor the following signs of male despotism in marriage:
- the despot makes decisions for himself and for his wife, his desires are not discussed;
- a man dictates to his wife not only strict rules of behavior, but also controls her appearance, forces her to wear certain clothes and makeup;
- prohibits communication with friends or relatives;
- criticizes his wife's choice for any reason;
- opposes the wife’s desire to go to work and in every possible way pushes her to quit;
- harshly criticizes the way the wife raises the children;
- in severe cases - eavesdrops on telephone conversations, checks correspondence and SMS.
It is curious that many men behave this way not because of jealousy, but because of a special tendency towards cruel psychological treatment, and tension in a couple can arise instantly, or can grow over the years. Even if the answer is “yes” to one of the points, this would already cause concern for the family psychologist.
The advice of a psychologist, if the husband is a tyrant, is not limited to a categorical break in relations. It is clear that sometimes there is simply no choice, especially if the husband comes to assault. But the practice of American family consultants shows that in some cases it is still possible to correct the behavior of a tyrant.
Try to reach out
Some tyrants may not even suspect that there is anything wrong with their behavior. Such people grew up in an environment where physical and psychological violence was considered the norm. In childhood, they developed a certain worldview that they invest in their children. Experts say that these generational traditions are a real tragedy for society.
He may not want to make contact, but you can hope for help from psychologists. For some reason, in the post-Soviet space it is considered shameful to go to a psychologist, although in fact this is not the case. They can find an approach to almost any person.
I don’t have a future with him, but I’m going to him...
I thought for a long time whether to write about myself or not, whether my story even fits the description of life with a tyrant. As you can see, I decided to write, but I’m not sure about everything else. It all started five years ago, I was 18 years old then. We both attended the same college and lived in the same dorm. It couldn’t be more banal, but it was this man who turned my whole life upside down. At first everything was fabulous. He's masculine, a little cocky, so different from my boring exes.
His expressions of care made me feel fragile and so important - and this even despite the fact that he was younger than me. Be that as it may, I did not expect anything serious from this relationship; I could not even imagine that this intrigue would drag on for more than a month. But I was wrong.
To be honest, I don’t even remember how our first quarrel arose, but I remember my impressions well. I'm not at all used to conflicts in relationships. All my previous relationships were built on peace, where I felt important, but here - this!!! It even seemed interesting to me, the adrenaline was going through the roof. Within two months we were living practically on a common budget, we ate together, slept together, went for walks together...
One day, returning from class, I found my personal diary on the bed, although I remembered that I had not left it there, and when Dima spoke with phrases from my diary, I realized that he had read it... Can you imagine? I read my diary!!! My rage knew no bounds... He, in turn, did not think that he had done anything wrong, and moreover, to my claims about interference in my personal life, I heard counter claims about what I had read.
A truly terrible scandal broke out, I tried to send him away, I didn’t want to see him, but to no avail. He was not going to leave, moreover, he did not let me out of his steel grip. He refused to respond to demands to be released. I announced that we were breaking up. After about a week, he was no longer recognizable - sheer politeness and courtesy, no raised tones, no requests for forgiveness... I forgave.
We lived in peace for another three months... and everything happened again. I don’t even know how, but our relationship continued. Two years later I graduated from college, and he had another year left... but we decided to live together. We rented an apartment, I started working, and he studied. There was not enough money, and new reasons for conflicts appeared... Now, along with the screams, there appeared abuse, threats, and in some places even inappropriate behavior. I have often heard obscene curses addressed to me.
Then he graduated from college and got a job. And the conflicts became more and more frequent and terrible... He began to threaten that he would not let me go anywhere, and if I left, he would still not give me a personal life, since he would keep an eye on me, and if someone appeared with me, then he would it will be bad. If I did manage to leave him, it was not for long - we got back together again. And he, in turn, became more and more demanding of me...
I began to realize that I was already losing myself in this relationship. After numerous insults and humiliations, I developed complexes and lost self-confidence. I understand that with him I became a completely different person. In moments of quarrels I see so clearly what is good and what is bad, I promise myself to never start this again, to leave once and for all... but after some time I come back again.
I started having hysterics and depression. I could start crying for no reason, sometimes it even seemed like I was going crazy... But tell me, how can one person coexist with a beloved man, with whom there was so much good, and this maniac who inspires horror?!
Conflicts continued to become more frequent and worse. Every time the cause of the previous conflict disappeared (for example, I no longer spent “a lot” of time with my friend), a new one appeared. During the scandals, we no longer made do with words and insults, the pieces of furniture that he destroyed, the equipment that he broke, and even me, whom he roughly dragged around the apartment, forcing her to shut up, began to suffer - and I roared even more from pain and resentment.
Afterwards I had to listen to him say that I myself was to blame for what happened, it was I who provoked him to such behavior - if I had listened to him in the first place, none of this would have happened. Our last scandal was simply colossal in terms of the power of destruction. This is the moment when my consciousness simply turned off, and I myself began to destroy everything around me, and he went crazy and hit me in the face with a swing, and I started hitting him back.
Nothing like this had ever happened to me; such anger bubbled up inside me that it drowned out all fear. I grabbed everything I could get my hands on, threatening him, just so that he wouldn’t come closer. Apparently, this worked, because he did not insist, and I was already hysterical, from which I was literally suffocating. After swallowing Corvalol, I calmed down after about an hour.
The next day, right in the morning, I called my parents and asked them to come pick me up. Needless to say, if they didn’t like him before, now they simply hate him. While he was at work, I packed my things and, with the help of my parents, moved them to my aunt. In those few days that I spent at home after this, my thoughts were clear and precise, I knew for sure that I did not want to see or hear him.
He wrote and called, I began to ignore him, but I couldn’t hide at home forever (my parents live outside the city) and went to my aunt. And the very moment I found myself in my new room, I simply could not stop sobbing. Such an all-consuming melancholy enveloped me; my emotions brought almost physical pain! I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I felt very bad - sadness, melancholy, loneliness turned into a specific cocktail of pain.
I began to understand that I could not cope with my problem on my own. All the advice from friends and the persuasion of my parents do not work on me. That is, I know that they are right, yes, he will not change - I already understood, yes, I have no future with him, yes, I feel sorry for the children we may have, but at the moment of “withdrawal” I can’t stand it and go to him. How, tell me, how to explain this?! What should I do?! I want to see a good specialist, but I can’t afford the services of a psychologist. It already seems to me that I have a psychological problem, and I need rehabilitation.
Lena
Principle 8. A child needs strictness.
“Your most effective, at least for me, irresistible oratorical means of education were: abuse, threats, irony, evil laughter...” “... I can’t believe that with a friendly word, a gentle touch, a kind look, it would not have been possible to get from me everything that I wanted.” whatever."
A person who constantly hears only bad things addressed to him eventually stops hearing it - a defensive reaction is triggered. The father was unable to achieve the desired result from his son; in any case, it seemed to him that he was always in opposition to him: “Everything is always counter!” he exclaimed. Franz became “a gloomy, inattentive, disobedient child, always ready to escape, most often internally.”
How to get your old relationship back?
There are a number of very important points thanks to which you can move the needle and try to return to your old relationship:
- Straight Talk.
Sooner or later the time comes when you need to express all mutual claims and dissatisfaction. Better early than late, but the main thing is to never remain silent. If the desire to change the situation is mutual, contact a family psychologist; - Willingness to help.
If a man’s aggression is caused by professional failures or a personal crisis, let him feel the support of his family and show a little patience; - Try to bring something new into your relationship.
A change of scenery, a change in the usual rhythm of life - any changes will help you shake yourself up and look at each other in a new way; - Make yourself respected.
Take care of yourself, change your wardrobe, find a hobby - continuously improve. Become interesting to others. Start respecting yourself and perhaps it will bear fruit.
Principle 1. A child is clay for modeling character; parents are the potter.
“I would like a little encouragement, a little friendliness, a little opportunity to go my own way, but You blocked it for me, of course with the best intentions, believing that I should go a different way. But I wasn’t suited for this.” “I... did not possess, for example, Your strength, Your appetite, or Your dexterity, and You demanded all this from me as something self-evident.”
The apple should fall next to the apple tree. Franz Kafka writes about the feeling of shame (read humiliation) that arose from his father’s exorbitant demands. The parent not only failed to make Franz a strong and decisive young man, but also made his qualities such as timidity, indecisiveness and anxiety painful. Analyzing his unsuccessful attempts to get married (he broke off several engagements), Franz Kafka writes that he is not capable of family life, since he does not possess the qualities of his father.
Franz Kafka as a child
What is the reason?
Today's realities impose on young people the desire to be successful, purposeful, disruptive, if you like, to walk over corpses (roughly speaking), regardless of age and gender. Based on this, it is not at all surprising that the number of women with metallic notes in their voices and the desire to issue uncontested decisions is increasing.
And it would be cool if such ladies changed their mood when they came home after work. So to speak, they took off their business classic shoes and put on fluffy slippers at home. It is much worse when tyranny is deeply embedded in a woman’s character and she uses it everywhere. In this case, the household clearly did not feel comfortable with their mother and wife.
In the second case, there is no point in blaming everything on the desire to be a businesswoman. Because the problem lies much deeper, and even more durable! Surely, an event had previously happened in the life of a tyrant woman that had such a detrimental effect on her inner world. Maybe her parents lived the same way, maybe the boys at school bullied her, or maybe some other kind of violence served as an impetus for her desire to learn to stand up for herself.
There are a lot of such examples, and we (ordinary outside observers) have no way of knowing the cause of your troubles. But if you are the husband of a “despot in silk underwear,” delve into her dark past. Perhaps there is some kind of dog buried there that can be corrected with a couple of visits to a shrink.
Sometimes the cause of female tyranny is the unfortunate husband. Such a “mattress”, absolutely incapable of solving problems, providing for his family, or protecting his family and friends. Willy-nilly, the wife gradually deforms into a man, taking the position of head of the family. And the man, who was previously a pseudo-head, turns into an even more spineless creature, without particularly bothering about it. The result: a kind of voluntary tyranny, from which everyone around them suffers, except for the “mattress” and the tyrant woman, of course.
How to behave if your husband is a tyrant?
You can change your behavior. For example, one day show the tyrant that you are no longer going to tolerate his antics. Start doing only what you think is necessary. Defend your opinions, challenge every trick on your husband’s part. But how strong are you mentally?
Psychologist. Why men become despots in the family
Your living together threatens to become a real place for military battles. It is only in action-packed films that the ending is happy. In real life, such a scenario threatens to give you an endless series of scandalous scenes and sleepless nights. It should be remembered that a person has only one life
And it should be arranged in such a way that you have the opportunity to live harmoniously every day. Psychotherapists insist that the only option to save yourself and your children from a dictator and tyrant is to leave him. Unfortunately, women can tolerate their husband's behavior for years.
Over time, his antics smoothly transform into a familiar state: grumbling, pickiness, strict control, uncontrollable outbursts of anger, hysterical antics and other manifestations of violence. A woman’s patience can be explained by the fact that all financial resources are with her partner. Or there are problems with housing.
But you need to convince yourself that by remaining with her tyrant husband under the same roof, a woman dooms herself and her children to long and painful suffering.
Children also suffer from a tyrant father
Manifestation of male tyranny
The beginning of a relationship is a wonderful time, with surprises, gifts, dates under the moon and other cute pranks. At such moments, it seems that you have found a loved one with whom you want to live until the end of your days. But, after some time, the husband will not know where the kind words and noble deeds went?
He tries to control absolutely everything, and when he fails, he loses his temper. An angry man is rude, punishes, and sometimes uses physical force. Common situation? We won’t congratulate you, you managed to marry a tyrant.
If you obey such a man unquestioningly, everything will be fine, but can a woman keep a face on a bad game 24 hours a day? How long will this relationship last?
How to fight?
If fate has turned its back on you and instead of a tender, caring wife you got God knows what, hold on tight. Your business is bad! Overcoming female tyranny (all-consuming matriarchy) within the framework of one particular family is quite difficult, in some places impossible. This is akin to correcting human nature. At the same time, the way out of the situation can be both easy and difficult: either continuation of the relationship at the level of “boss - stupid subordinate” or a life-saving divorce ((
author : Liliya Dmitrenko, for the site
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Principle 2. The duty of parents to their child is to provide him with a future, and this is what you need to focus on.
“It all seemed to you something like this: all your life you worked hard, sacrificed everything to your children, and above all to me, thanks to which I “lived happily”, had complete freedom to study what I wanted, had no worries about food, and therefore, in general worries." “I... could have benefited from the fruits of Your great and successful labors... but our alienation prevented this.”
Thoughtful communication, approval, attention to his interests, kind words, etc. not that important. When the child grows up and appreciates the size of the sacrifice, he will understand everything and even sympathize. Living happily at the expense of his father, Franz experienced shame, fatigue, weakness, and guilt. He never spoke openly with his father, did not show family feelings, and was not interested in his affairs. Herman Kafka considered his son cold and ungrateful.
Principle 4. The child must be brought to his senses, otherwise - whims, whining, nights without sleep.
“One night I kept whining for a drink, probably not because I was thirsty, but probably partly to annoy you and partly to amuse myself. After strong threats did not help, You took me out of bed, carried me out onto the balcony and left me there for a while alone, in my shirt, in front of the locked door... Then, of course, I immediately calmed down, but deep harm was caused to me. Due to my nature, I was never able to establish a relationship between a completely understandable, albeit senseless, request for a drink and the indescribable horror experienced when being expelled from the room.”
The painful memory haunted Franz Kafka for many years. Years later, he still imagined how a huge man, his father, came to his bed at night, forcibly pulled him out of there, carried him out onto the balcony and left him alone in the dark. Franz concludes: “That means what a nonentity I was for him.” The consciousness of his own insignificance often took possession of Kafka throughout his life.
Principle 7. Parents, not people, especially “outside people,” should influence a child.
“It was enough for me to show at least some interest in a person - ... how You ... immediately intervened and began to vilify, denigrate, humiliate this person.”
Kafka writes that the distrust of people that his father tried to instill in him turned into distrust of himself and constant fear of everyone else. If in relation to himself he admitted that his father was right, making him look like a nonentity, then in relation to other people he understood that his father behaved basely. Without the opportunity and strength to break free from his father’s power, he thus found himself in his “camp” and felt guilty before those around him. Kafka describes how he tried to behave subserviently to the employees of his father's store in order to make up for his terrible treatment of them.
Monument to Franz Kafka in Prague
Principle 3. Parents should not be on an equal footing with their child.
“You just have to get carried away by some business, get excited about it, come home and talk about it - and the answer was an ironic sigh, shaking your head, tapping your finger on the table: “Couldn’t you think of anything better?”, “I would like your worries.” , “I have no time for that,” “Not worth a penny,” “It’s also an event for me!”
The child must understand that the interests of the parents are much more significant and higher than his own. Franz Kafka writes about the many disappointments that his father caused him in this way, and that they touched the very core of his soul. The father's constant belittlement of his son's interests deprived him of joy, courage, determination, and self-confidence.
Franz Kafka with his sisters
