Divorce is the kind of thing that washes away the mask from a person, like a heavy rain of low-quality mascara from eyelashes. Those who experienced divorce later claimed that they did not even suspect what their spouse was really like and what he was capable of until they started divorce proceedings. And people often don’t expect such negative reactions from themselves either.
Divorce is a difficult and stressful endeavor. But even in this case, one must remember to remain human and observe basic rules of decency.
How to behave with dignity when preparing for divorce
Spouses are usually given a month to reconcile and make a clear decision whether to divorce or not. This month should be spent discussing the problem that was the last straw in the cup of patience and led to divorce, as well as other current family problems.
Discussion of a problem implies a constructive dialogue expressing one’s point of view and one’s own vision of ways to resolve the situation, but not a list of grievances, claims and insults quoted by spouses to each other day after day. The calmer and more self-possessed the spouses behave, the higher the likelihood that they will be able to maintain friendly relations after a divorce or even save their marriage.
Often it is during this period of time that the understanding comes that divorce is a very real prospect, and not some kind of conditional threat. And then the relationship between husband and wife can be reconsidered and rebuilt by both of them. In general, the period of reconciliation is designed for this.
If the decision to divorce is made by both spouses and is not subject to discussion, then they need to solve everyday and housing problems: who will live where, who will stay in their current home and who will leave, what things will go to each spouse. All these nuances must be reflected in the division agreement and certified by a notary. Then a copy of the agreement is attached to the materials of the divorce case.
If the spouses have already separated, then they should reduce communication with each other to a mandatory minimum by telephone or Internet. This will be a good prevention of quarrels and clarification of relationships. They will have current issues that will need to be resolved quickly and to mutual benefit. To pretend to be humiliated and insulted, avoiding any contact, at this stage means to build a wall on the way to a normal free life. This will have a particularly negative impact on children.
By the way, if you have children, even before the divorce you need to try to determine with whom and where they will live. It is also necessary to resolve issues of alimony support. All terms of the agreement between the spouses must also be included in the text of the agreement and certified by a notary.
Of course, the court can resolve both questions about division and questions about alimony on its own, relying on the law, but still, the spouses should try to first discuss them with each other, not forgetting to ask the guys’ opinions.
Spouses can change the terms of agreements mutually by drawing up a new agreement and having it certified by a notary or unilaterally in court.
We must not forget about the psychological state of children during this difficult period for the family. Perhaps you need to seek the help of a psychologist in advance. You should never make a child a witness to the divisions, quarrels and departures of spouses. And it would be wrong to send him to summer camp or somewhere else for this time. He already worries about his family, and even finds himself cut off from it.
Emotions are constantly changing
When cheating, any woman begins to seriously worry and experience discomfort. On the one hand, she is happy, because a man appeared who could make her desirable. On the other hand, there is a husband, common obligations and interests. Accordingly, emotions begin to change regularly.
One moment the woman smiles, and a few minutes later she begins to lash out at her husband. As a rule, men notice all this, they simply cannot draw conclusions. Also, the mood constantly changes, and the woman rushes to extremes, completely forgetting that she is of increased interest.
How to behave during a divorce
When appearing as a party to a trial in court, any person will be worried and nervous. But at the same time you need to control yourself and behave as correctly as possible.
It is important not to forget the documents intended for the court. Since the court will take them for review, care must be taken to have a copy or an additional copy available. A nice, respectful gesture would be to prepare copies for the other party, that is, for the spouse who is about to become an ex.
In court, there is no need to throw hysterics, throw accusations, or have fainting spells and seizures. Yes, let there be resentment towards this person, with whom you have lived for many years, but he did not live up to expectations, and something else happened in the family. But why expose all this to complete strangers? It is enough to declare your reluctance to be married to him, or, on the contrary, to declare your reluctance to end the marriage relationship.
Moreover, it is unacceptable to persuade a child to slander a parent, slander him, force him to say something that is beneficial to the other parent, even though this does not correspond to the desires and needs of the child himself. You cannot blackmail the second parent with his secrets and secrets so that he withdraws the application for divorce, or increases the amount of alimony, or refuses to meet with the children, or leaves all property to the other spouse. Firstly, it is low, and secondly, it is criminally punishable.
You need to operate only with facts, supporting them whenever possible with evidence - documents, photographs, videos, audio recordings, testimony, expert opinions. Gossip, rumors and speculation have no place in court, as in life in general.
There is no need to try to sue your spouse for everything you can, just out of principle. This not only demonstrates greed, but also spoils the impression of someone who is fighting for every penny. When dividing, it is necessary to proceed from the real needs of each participant, including minors and the disabled, as well as from the elementary concepts of honesty and conscience.
Starts to hide his cell phone and never leaves it in a visible place
If a woman begins to cheat, she is afraid that the man will find out the truth. Plus, in society, it is women’s infidelity that is always perceived critically. And the phone always means correspondence, sweet messages, notifications.
And even if a woman regularly deletes everything, a lover can write at any time or a man will notice some photos. Therefore, you should not be surprised that a woman begins to hide her phone and immediately changes her password. And if a man simply picks it up to check the time, a scandal immediately arises.
Rules of conduct after divorce
Divorce is not just a short-term legal situation. This is a continuing condition from which you need to emerge with dignity. If former spouses have common children or a common business, they will have to communicate with each other.
This communication should now resemble a dialogue between two people who know each other well, but are not close to each other - calm, without emotions, even and friendly. This will also be a good example for a son or daughter, who will understand that their world and their family did not collapse with the divorce, that the parents simply live separately, but participate in the lives of their children and still love them. It cannot be assumed that the child is also divorcing the parent who no longer lives with him. This cripples the child’s psyche and lays an unfavorable foundation for dependent relationships in the future.
Issues regarding the maintenance, education and upbringing of a child should be resolved without negativity, without dissatisfaction and attacks. If you can’t keep track of yourself in a personal conversation or in a phone conversation, then you should practice email correspondence, re-reading and correcting each letter you send.
You should not ignore holidays and events at which your ex-spouse will be present, or make a demand to the organizer “just that he/she not be there.” Only husband and wife get divorced, but not brothers and sisters, not godfathers, not friends and acquaintances, not neighbors and not fathers-in-law and daughter-in-law, or father-in-law and son-in-law. If family and friends want to maintain relationships with both ex-spouses, then their decision must be respected.
There may be no more marriage, but there should be normal human relationships. And they do not assume that ex-spouses will begin to reveal each other’s secrets to outsiders, talk about health problems, including sexual ones, ridicule each other’s tastes and preferences, and expose to public situations when the second spouse did not look his best.
How can you go through a divorce from your wife as painlessly as possible?
Issues related to the institution of marriage and family are a priori the most painful and controversial. Millions of couples get married every year and then divorce after a short period of time. The reasons for separation are varied (from betrayal to a change in the ideal partner) and depend on the level of internal organization of individuals who once decided to create a family union.
Some families are reunited after a breakup because they realize the absurdity of the reasons that led to the breakup. Some ex-spouses continue to communicate for the sake of the children left after the marriage, while others prefer never to meet again. But in any case, everyone agrees that the divorce procedure is associated with a large expenditure of nervous resources.
Psychologists say that men and women perceive separation from a partner differently due to natural mental differences between the sexes. However, this does not in any way suggest that a man reacts less acutely to divorce.
Restraint in expressing emotions among representatives of the stronger half of humanity has its reasons. From birth, all boys in the family, kindergarten, and school are implicitly instilled with the assertion that men do not cry. This statement firmly settles in the male subconscious and is reflected in the rest of his life, be it a trip to the dentist or a divorce from his wife.
It goes without saying that spouses who have lived together for several years and have children together find their separation more difficult and dramatic. This depends not only on the destruction of illusions that accompanies the breakdown of relationships, but also on the fact that the husband and wife, in the process of living together, have formed the habit of an established lifestyle and dependence on each other.
Read also: How to calm down quickly - advises a psychologist
There is an opinion that men live less than women precisely because they do not know how to openly demonstrate their experiences. There are several options for the behavioral reactions of men to a divorce from their wife:
- silence and withdrawal. This reaction is the most dangerous for a man. It signals acute internal experiences, a decrease in the level of self-esteem and deep longing for the departed woman;
- bravado and posturing. In this case, the man’s behavior becomes deliberately demonstrative and defiant. It seems to express the concept “It doesn’t hurt, I needed you. I’ll find a dozen more like you and better.” In reality, such statements often fail to be realized. This encourages representatives of the stronger sex to tedious self-analysis and can lead to the worsening of various addictions from alcoholism to drug addiction;
- denial of the other half’s decision to divorce and attempts to lead a normal lifestyle. Usually this behavior does not achieve success and the man is forced to come to terms with the real state of affairs. This can happen if the spouses have repeatedly argued, quarreled, and threatened each other with divorce in the past.
So, how can a man survive a divorce situation and get out of it with the least possible consequences for the psyche?
Firstly , you shouldn’t artificially try to quickly arrange your personal life - everything has its time. In order for the next attempt at family life to be successful, you need to cope with the separation from your ex-wife with dignity.
Read also: How to survive the grinding in the first year of marriage?
Secondly , it is necessary to concentrate your energies and aspirations on goals not related to relationships with the opposite sex. It could be a career, fishing or cars - it doesn’t matter, but the hobby should be really interesting to a man.
Thirdly , under no circumstances should you stop communicating with children. There may be many women, but children are a blood continuation of a man. By deciding to break all ties with a woman, you can make an irreparable mistake, depriving yourself of your future. Anger and resentment towards your former life partner will subside over time, and children may never forgive a neglectful attitude towards themselves.
Fourthly , it is recommended to visit a professional psychologist or psychotherapist who can help bring constructive points out of the situation you are experiencing. A man, like a woman, has a hard time with loneliness. Not every representative of the stronger half of humanity can find the strength to open up to a friend or loved one. It is much easier to verbalize emotional experiences in front of a stranger, who is also bound by the norms of professional ethics and will not discuss what he has heard with anyone.
The situation of divorce inevitably entails consequences for the entire subsequent life of a man.
How he gets through it, what life lessons he learns, will inevitably affect his future. Share:
Tries to be the perfect housewife
Any man will notice if a woman has become an ideal housewife and does more housework. As a rule, this technique works, because a man likes it when he is looked after and his woman changes for the better. However, with such behavior the woman is simply trying to make amends for her guilt.
Excessive zeal on the part of a woman can raise questions. For example, some women immediately let a man go for a walk with friends, offer to relax and film household chores. And if a woman exhibits suspicious behavior, the man will start asking questions.
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