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June 24, 2019
- Abuse is...
- Its varieties
- Abusive relationships
- How to recognize an abuser in time
Hello, dear readers of the KtoNaNovenkogo.ru blog. Many borrowed words come into our language, the meaning of which can be difficult to understand from the context.
One of these popular words today is abuse. What is it, how are abusive relationships characterized, between whom they can arise, how they usually develop and how they end.
Today we will also talk about how to recognize an abuser and not get confused in the networks he has set up. Don't switch, it will be interesting.
Why do they endure and remain silent?
- The norm of perception: “everyone lives like this,” “The Lord endured and commanded us,” “it happens to everyone.”
- Fear, a feeling of loneliness, helplessness: “no one can help me,” “it will be even worse,” “well, apparently it’s written in the family,” “everyone has their own cross.”
- Shame, guilt: “he didn’t mean to, it’s my fault,” “how can you tell about this?”
Abusive relationships have a detrimental effect on the victim’s self-esteem; it rapidly declines. The inability to change the situation leads to reclusion, secrecy, depression, neurosis and often to suicidal thoughts and suicide.
Myth 3. Scolding a child means raising him, there is no abuse here
In fact, in quarrels with children, many parents use emotional abuse without noticing it. Someone forbids the child to leave the room, someone manipulates the child, promising to deny him gifts and attention. If you want to avoid abuse, do not threaten, but start a dialogue and explain your feelings.
But parents, like all living people, cannot always control the manifestation of emotions, notes psychologist Galina Belostotskaya. Therefore, it is important what they do after they have said too much.
If a mother lost her temper and yelled at her child because she was tired at work, then she needs to apologize and explain the situation. It is necessary to show that she lost her temper not because the child is bad, but because of stress, a hard day - this is a normal, living relationship. But if after a breakdown the mother continues to “seem” and does not even allow attempts at a truce, then this is already abuse.
Galina Belostotskaya, psychologist
Three types of abuse:
Psychological abuse.
Severe violation of personal boundaries, systematic humiliation, insults, verbal aggression, suppression of a person’s will and desires, coercion into submission. All this leads to psychological trauma. Mental wounds grow, pain intensifies, personal integrity is violated. Systematic psychological violence leads to personality disorder.
Physical abuse.
Physical impact on a person: open aggression, rage, beating, cruel treatment, assault. The consequences of physical abuse can be irreversible.
Sexual abuse.
And this is the worst kind of abuse. It includes the previous two and adds violent acts, forced physical intimacy, and sexual harassment. Blackmail, threats, physical and verbal aggression.
Not only women, but also children, and in some cases even men, both within the family and outside it, can become victims of abuse.
Physical violence is easier and faster to recognize, it manifests itself in specific aggressive actions, but psychological violence is not immediately visible. The fact is that the abuser acts in a sophisticated way. He gains confidence, demonstrates himself on the positive side, and only then slowly but surely moves on to psychological abuse.
A union of two unequal people, where the role of one is a victim and the other is an aggressor - this is an abusive relationship. It is important to understand that these roles never change.
Myth 2. If there are frequent quarrels in the family, then one of the partners is an abuser
Domestic reproaches come in different forms. If a person talks about his feelings in connection with your actions, then this is not abuse, but ordinary feedback. For example: “When you come home so late, I worry.”
If a person attacks you, your appearance, experience, intelligence, if he gives you assessments - “you are bad”, “you are insensitive” - this is already an abuse and a violation of boundaries, explains Nadezhda Kutuzova.
Talk about your thoughts and emotions to the person, rather than assessing his personality. Convey your experiences. Even the most intense emotions need to be expressed in a respectful manner.
Nadezhda Kutuzova, psychologist
Signs of abuse in a relationship:
- Personal insults, ridicule, constant criticism of actions, actions, appearance. No one will be left unattended, be it a relative, friend or colleague of the victim.
- Devaluation of everything that is dear to the victim.
- Communicating in a raised tone, screaming, sudden manifestation of verbal aggression.
- Manifestation of physical aggression.
- Tight, total control: where, with whom, when, why? Up to viewing personal correspondence.
- Unpredictability of behavior, sudden mood swings of the aggressor.
- Questions everything the victim says and thinks in order to distort perceptions and doubt his own correctness, needs and desires.
- Directiveness in communication. Everything should be just as the aggressor said and not otherwise.
- Everything yours is mine. He doesn’t see the difference between your things and his own, he believes that everything, including you, belongs to him.
- Pathological jealousy. Jealousy is a natural personality trait. A healthy personality exhibits healthy jealousy, knows how to manage it and show feelings. The abuser in this matter is overly impulsive, aggressive, does not control feelings, and attacks of jealousy.
Getting into such a relationship, a person no longer belongs to himself, to his desires. Life is no longer his. Personal boundaries, interests, desires, opinions cease to exist. The abuser’s goal is to subjugate the victim’s life to himself, and he skillfully does this. He protects his victim from communication with relatives and friends and makes himself the only object of communication. He subjugates her will to himself, imposing his interests in such a way that the victim’s consciousness accepts them as his own. Demonstrates his mental and physical superiority.
The victim falls into the trap of fear, anxiety, physical and mental stress, losing his face, will and mind.
How to resist an abuser
You will have to start avoiding the abuser - stop communicating with such a person. But unfortunately, abusers can be relatives: one of the parents, a spouse, a close friend. And changing a good job just because there is such a manipulator in the team is also not an option.
You should start by defining your boundaries, you should firmly say “no” to everything that makes you feel bad. But it will be very difficult to do this for a person who, for example, is married to an abuser and already has a suppressed will; he has already developed a habit of submission and does not understand how to live differently.
If you feel that you cannot change your interaction with your abuser, seek help from a psychologist, he will help in several directions at once:
- will work with you on the presence of psychological traumas acquired throughout your life;
- will increase your self-esteem;
- will lead you out of your habitual behavior patterns.
Due to this, you will be able to change your behavior in order to be able to stop communicating with the abuser completely, or you will stop allowing such an attitude towards yourself.
Abusive spouse, how to resist
I will give several examples of dialogue as a recommendation when interacting with aggression from a partner. Interrupt his psychological verbal pressure mid-sentence; if he doesn’t stop, just go to another room, you can go for a walk. The main thing is to act calmly, clearly and clearly for him that your plans are serious.
Let’s imagine his words, any, let’s say: “Everything with you is not the same as with others,” you give him a loud and clear answer, “Stop repeating the same thing.” “I don’t intend to hear this from you, especially in this tone,” “I don’t want to listen to this anymore.” I can imagine how irritated and tired you are from such constant pressure from the abuser.
In fact, interrupting his streams of words is quite simple. Don't be afraid to say what you want to say, but don't engage in controversy or descend into scandal or hysteria. In general, any unpleasant aggressive speech should be interrupted. This is the main thing.
Remember, the main thing is that we don’t blame the abuser for anything, we simply clearly define the boundaries beyond which we will never allow him to go further. Another example of a dialogue with an abuser is if you are visiting your parents, let’s say, and he, as usual in his characteristic manner, says something like “Okay, that’s it, get ready, we’re leaving,” then you answer categorically, “You can go.” , I stay".
It should be remembered that after you change your behavior, the abuser will perceive your defense as a challenge to his dominance. This means that he will provoke you, perhaps even more, so that you return to past behavior when he caused you to make excuses, anger, resentment, guilt.
You can expect from him such words as “You’re not yourself today, in general you’re somehow inadequate”, or “Everything is clear with you, what else can we expect from you”, “Look at yourself?”, “Even with you” It’s impossible to communicate normally, with whom I live, “I haven’t tried treatment,” “Treat your paranoia,” “Nothing like that, this never happened at all,” etc.
Of course, you have a desire to answer, especially since the manipulator puts pressure on your sore spots. But the main rule is not to give in to provocations. Dialogue with him is still pointless. It should be remembered that if we are really talking about abuse, it is always aggression, this is not an argument, this is not a discussion, it will not be possible to exchange opinions here, this is an unequal exchange, these are his developed methods of manipulation in order to subjugate you, and not a search for the truth.
It is possible to cope with the psychological suppression of an abuser. It may not work out the first time, that's okay. Start rehearsing, play out different situations and your behavior in them. If you accumulate material over time and improve your skills, you will succeed.
The boss is an abuser, methods of protection
A separate issue is abuse from superiors. If you start to build boundaries, strictly say “no” and use other ways to resist abuse, this can lead to even more pressure from a superior colleague.
Based on research, it has been established that no matter how the subordinate resists or, on the contrary, tries hard, this does not lead to improvement in the manager’s attitude towards the subordinate.
What to do in such a situation? It is impossible to silently endure or squeeze out a smile when a boss openly pushes a subordinate. In this case, you will have to try to separate yourself from work and not record his attacks on your personal account.
Whatever he says that does not directly relate to the work process should be taken with a cold mind. Calmly declare your refusal to overwork, but take your work to the maximum level and maintain discipline.
Only you can protect your emotional health. Always remain polite to the tyrant, but do not allow him unnecessary words or statements. If your boss allows himself to shout at you or use obscene language, record it on a voice recorder and use the recording as evidence of an illegal act.
With such a boss, even a confident person will lose his self-esteem. Such an attitude can traumatize and undermine self-confidence. Then it will be difficult to return an objective view of your strengths and abilities. Continuous stress causes physical ailments. Due to negative emotions, various diseases are acquired.
Therefore, a portion of healthy egoism is the best defensive technique. It is difficult to cultivate in yourself, especially if you want to please everyone, always be a “good person” and deserve approval from others. Because of this desire, a person tries to please the abuser without understanding. that this is basically impossible.
Myth 4. If you realize that a person is an abuser, you need to immediately end any relationship with him
If a person has psychopathic, narcissistic or sociopathic tendencies with a complete lack of empathy, you really need to leave him. And the sooner, the better, says Galina Belostotskaya.
But it happens that a person sometimes exhibits such traits, but he is also capable of compassion and empathy. And here it’s no longer worth cutting from the shoulder and immediately running away from it. Fearing abuse, you can build such a defense around yourself that you don’t give anyone a chance.
Galina Belostotskaya, psychologist
True, in this situation it can be difficult not to confuse real compassion with the so-called “honeymoon”.
Not wanting to lose his victim, the abuser tries in every possible way to make amends, to appease him with gifts and loud promises. A victim who mistakes pressure for love forgives her offender, finds justification for his aggression, and often even blames herself. And then everything happens again - until the next “honeymoon”.
Natalya Goldan, psychologist
Therefore, it is important to learn to distinguish abuse from healthy communication and respond correctly to it. This can be done by working with a psychologist. Moreover, in order to change the situation, it is worth seeking psychological help not only for the victim, but also for the abuser himself.
With the help of abuse, a person plays out the pain and trauma he received in the past. At the same time, he may not even realize what he is doing. The abuser is looking for someone to transfer his pain to, someone to transfer his pain to - it’s like a game of “hot potato”. To do this, he can use various forms of communication - insults, insults, manipulation.
Nadezhda Kutuzova, psychologist
