How to cope with severe anxiety for a child?

How does excessive concern for a child occur?

While still in the maternity hospital, the young mother, who has not yet recovered from childbirth and needs rest, listens to the breathing of the newborn.

In many ways, this behavior is a consequence of a “hormonal explosion” in a woman’s body. The emotional burden is also growing.

Finding themselves at home, alone with their newborn, young parents experience a feeling of complete helplessness.

While in the maternity hospital you can always see a doctor or nurse, here you have to make important decisions on your own.

During this period, the first seeds of overprotection are born. Mom is afraid to leave her baby even for a second to quickly eat or brush her teeth.

She feels calmer when the child is always in sight. The woman is afraid to sleep at night. Over time, this becomes the norm.

The family is in constant fear. By the way, not every father can stand this.

The likelihood of a married couple breaking up in the first year of their common child’s life is high, and this is due to overprotection and a shift in usual priorities.

To get rid of this condition, it is necessary to analyze the causes of excessive anxiety.

Find out what motivates picky people

Ena Andrews, MD, a pediatric neurologist in private practice in Tampa, Florida, says it's important to find out what exactly is the root cause of picky eating in typically healthy children.

“It turns out that this is a way for them to show that they are self-reliant and independent,” she says. “They may refuse to eat simply because they want to be in control.” In these cases, Dr. Andrews advises parents to offer children choices and involve them in planning and even cooking.

Other picky people are simply in opposition. "It's a power struggle," says Dr. Andrews. “They will be against everything their parents suggest, and food is not the only area where this shows. In such a situation, I advise you to simply retreat, not attach any importance to it, do not offer rewards, do not negotiate. Kids will get hungry someday."

A child's personality can also influence his or her picky eating habits. “A pessimistic child approaches new foods with the attitude of ‘I’m not going to like this,’” says Dr. Andrews. “Really, this child just needs repeated exposure to new foods.” So don't force things. Just keep offering the food until it is no longer new to the child.”

In children with autism and other sensory problems, selective eating can be caused by a variety of factors:

“Sometimes these kids don't want certain textures or colors. For example, a child may only eat yellow foods or only soft and tender foods. Just feed them what they like, no experimentation."
Some children in this group do not accept any changes in their lives, including feeding. "They may demand that the plate look the same every day because change causes anxiety," says Dr. Andrews. "These children may need behavioral therapy."
Less common is obsessive-compulsive disorder, which involves refusing to eat. “These children want to eat, but they can’t,” explains Dr. Andrews. “This condition may appear as an eating disorder, but it is actually OCD and requires cognitive behavioral therapy.”

Root causes of overprotection

If you understand the essence of the problem, you see that excessive worry about your child is destroying your life and his, this is already a positive trend.

Now you need to delve into yourself to understand why you behave this way. Among the initial reasons for excessive guardianship are the following:

own childhood fears;
past loss of a child;
late birth;
problems in family life;
diffidence.

Our behavior with children is often influenced by our own memories from the past..

If the baby’s mother was afraid of dogs in childhood, now she transfers these fears to her own child, protecting him in every possible way from four-legged pets.

Seeing a dog on the street, even if it is walked on a leash by its owner, a woman panics. In this way, you cultivate new fears in your baby.

Cases where the child is late in the family and long-awaited require special consideration. His birth becomes the main goal in a woman’s life.

Rename the picky guy the brave one

"What we call picky eating actually gives our kids another characteristic: they're brave," says Dr. Deborah Gilboa, a family physician and clinical professor of family medicine at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine.

“I've never been brave because I've never encountered food I didn't like. But kids who are picky eaters, hesitant to try new things, and have a short list of "edible" foods—these kids are exposed to dozens of foods they don't like. And every time these kids try something ‘undesirable’ or new, they show courage.”

By realizing that a picky eater is actually a daredevil, parents can increase their child's motivation to be even more brave and try new foods.

Additionally, parents need to understand that there is a biological reason why so many children are picky eaters. “Their taste buds work differently than adults or teenagers,” Dr. Gilboa says. “Thanks to this, children’s tongues are more sensitive to sour and bitter notes in foods. This is a protective mechanism necessary so that all sorts of inedible and dangerous things that a baby can put in his mouth immediately seem disgusting to him. Nature wants the child to be more receptive to tastes for his own good, so children can spit out everything “weird” and gravitate towards sweets.”

Excessive concern for the child, recommendations from psychologists

Psychologists advise contacting them with such a problem. Work is carried out not only with the parents, but also with the baby in order to assess whether the consequences of constant worries about his life and health have already arisen.

During therapy sessions, patients are gradually reprogrammed.

First, the specialist and clients understand the root causes of this behavior. Then they look for a way out of the situation.

Professional advice may vary

To get rid of the feeling of constant worry, try to spend more time with your child, but give him freedom at the same time.

If you are afraid of childhood injuries, go to a rope park together . Make sure that the children's trail offers reliable insurance and go through it together. After the end of such an adventure, you will feel proud of the child and of yourself, because you made up your mind and let the baby go.
If you are afraid of water, you are worried that your child will drown or choke at sea, so you do not let him go swimming, sign up your child for the swimming section in the pool. There, under the control and guidance of an experienced trainer, the child will learn to float on the water, so the risks in open water will immediately decrease.

How can a mother cope with anxiety about her child?

Most mothers experience various fears and anxiety for their children: they are afraid for their life and health, development, for how their relationships with others will develop and what they will be like when they grow up. This is completely natural, since maternal instinct is aimed at preserving the life of the offspring and protecting them, providing them with all the necessary conditions for a full existence.

Anxiety and fear are normal reactions to possible danger, allowing you to activate internal resources, this is necessary for survival.

Increased (neurotic) anxiety for a child is a constant feeling of internal anxiety and worry for him, thoughts that something bad could happen to him, which, as a rule, has little to do with the real situation. Such anxiety is likely to lead to a negative impact on the development of the child’s personality. Unlike normal anxiety, neurotic anxiety is irrational. The causes of such anxiety are most often the mother’s subjective experiences and worries associated with some internal conflict in her psyche or negative experience.

Let's give examples. For example, when a baby runs towards the roadway, the mother has an objective reason to worry about her child.

But when a mother is afraid to leave her child with other quite adequate relatives or in kindergarten, does not let him go on the playground or constantly wraps him up, calls the schoolchild every half hour - these are already manifestations of increased anxiety for her child.

In the process of diagnosing a child’s psychological problems, a connection with increased anxiety in the mother is often discovered. As a rule, a child living with an anxious mother is deprived of the opportunity to gain his own life experience, since his actions are constantly criticized (“don’t climb the fence - you will fall and become disabled”, “don’t be friends with this boy, he will only teach you bad things”). A large number of prohibitions and warnings, obsessive control deprive the child of initiative, and constant reprimands and negative messages reduce self-esteem.

As a result, the child grows up to be a dependent, infantile person, with limited developmental paths, lacking self-confidence, with many different fears, including the fear of making mistakes, and increased anxiety. When a mother remains in an anxious state for a long time, as a rule, it provokes increased anxiety in the child, which can cause nervous twitching, obsessive movements, psychosomatic diseases (stuttering, enuresis, etc.), nightmares, poor sleep , hysterics, etc. In addition, prohibitions on physical activity and communication with friends can slow down his physiological development and socialization. Excessive care, anxiety and obsessive control over the child’s actions can cause in adolescence and adulthood a negative attitude towards the mother and a reluctance to maintain an emotionally close relationship with her and share what is happening in life, since this is accompanied by an inadequate reaction on her part to events.

What internal conflicts do mothers have that underlie anxiety about their children? Firstly, the lack of self-realization as an individual, when a woman gives her child all her strength, time and attention, turns his upbringing into the only thing in her life. This, in turn, may be associated with dissatisfaction with the marital relationship or with a lack of professional self-realization. Secondly, increased anxiety may arise if a woman has experienced the death of another child, incl. perinatal loss (miscarriages, ectopic or frozen pregnancies), death of other close relatives, or if there were similar situations in the family when children died. A very difficult birth, a threat to the baby’s life in the first months of life, or problems with conception can also cause anxiety in the mother. Thirdly, neurotic anxiety can form if the woman’s parents also showed neurotic anxiety towards her.

There can be many reasons for increased anxiety for children and in each case they are individual. But the most important thing in this situation is to differentiate the real threat to the child and your subjective emotions and experiences in this regard.

Recommendations for reducing anxiety for a child may be the following:

Try to understand the true cause of your anxiety in each specific situation - why are you afraid of this particular thing? (this can be done daily in writing, in order to later analyze and draw conclusions)
Think about the likelihood that events will develop exactly as you think?
Analyze how much your level of control over your child corresponds to his age?
Don’t get hung up on your child and his interests, spend more time on yourself: take care of your appearance and health, find an exciting hobby, meet and communicate with friends, if possible, spend time alone with your spouse, share your concerns about your child with him.
If there are anxious people in your environment who drive you to panic, if possible, reduce the time you communicate with them or move the conversation to other topics that are less alarming for you.
Try to avoid watching programs or reading media reports that increase your anxiety.

Separately, I would like to say about mothers of special children, who have understandable concerns about whether their children will be able to live without them. Each case here is individual. The task of parents is to prepare the child as much as possible for independent life, adapt to society, teach how to care for himself and serve his needs. Many diagnoses, such as alalia, Down syndrome, ADHD, ASD, cerebral palsy, poor hearing and vision, are not sentences. Society knows many examples where even people with disabilities have a high quality of life. It is important to objectively assess the child’s physical and mental capabilities; for this purpose, you can consult with specialists who are seeing the child.

Maternal anxiety can make the situation worse if the mother cannot cope with it. Also, do not forget about such a concept as secondary benefit, when a mother receives increased attention to herself and her child due to the characteristics of his development, plays the role of the Victim, subconsciously makes the child even more dependent on herself, and prevents the separation process from happening. This will not benefit the child. It is important to understand and analyze your feelings towards your child, work through the negativity, take responsibility for your life, but not “drown” in feelings of guilt.

In addition to the above recommendations, you can also contact a psychologist to undergo personal psychotherapy in order to reduce the level of anxiety for the child and resolve related problems.

Also, experience in working with psychological problems and psychosomatic diseases in children shows that the dynamics of positive changes are many times higher if their mothers undergo personal psychotherapy.

Author: practicing psychologist S.P. Chikunova

Bargain with your child...sometimes

Not all experts agree that it's okay to bargain with picky people. However, parents give examples of successful transactions with their children. Dr. Gilboa prohibits negotiations:

Don't promise your child that he will get dessert if he eats kale. This bribery of eating one food for another creates an unhealthy eating pattern.
At one meal, offer your child two “yes” (foods that he will definitely eat) and one “maybe” (a questionable product).
Remember that most children outgrow picky eating habits over time.

Dionne and Felipe Rojas' middle child, 14-year-old Josué, is a picky eater. “When Josué was 2 years old, we ordered pizza. After one bite, he realized that the pizza was different from what we usually eat, and he didn’t eat it,” says Dionne. When Josué was introduced to baby food, he fussed a lot. Then the doctor told his parents: “When he gets hungry, then he will eat.”

The Roxas had different views on their son's behavior. Dionna, also picky as a child, sympathized with Josue. Her husband, however, believed that in such situations one should simply remove the plate from the table. “Felipe felt we were offering the child too many choices,” Dionne said, “so we started working on that.” Now that Josué has grown up, he is not so picky. Dionne said talking about his preferences and cooking together was the key to success.

Recognize “shared responsibility” for feeding and nutrition

Ellyn Sutter, a nutritionist and family therapist, says children have a “natural ability” when it comes to food. The point is that they themselves must “eat as much as they want, grow the way they need, and learn to eat the food their parents eat.” Sutter created Sharing Responsibility in Feeding to encourage those who give children freedom in nutritional decisions.

Sutter shares feeding and nutrition duties for parents and children of different ages. During infancy, the parent is responsible for what the child eats. The baby is responsible for when and how much to eat.

Later, parents are responsible for when and where their child eats, and the child is responsible for how much and whether he eats at all.

Ellyn Sutter also says that mealtimes become a battleground only because “90 percent of parents don’t believe their child when he says he doesn’t want to or is full. They have a “well, take one more bite” rule instead of the most common trust.”

Sutter adds that the goal of her work is to create enjoyable family gatherings instead of “martial law” during meal times in the kitchen. The doctor advises parents to follow her approach, and then children will learn to eat almost everything that their parents like.

When is it time to worry

If parents are concerned about their child's malnutrition, they should consult their family doctor, Dr. Gilboa says. Doctors use growth and development charts to evaluate these indicators over time. They help eliminate lack of weight gain and height, which can already be a medical problem.

"It's common for parents to be upset when a child 'doesn't eat'," says Dr. Gilboa, "but in the vast majority of cases it has no health impact."

If a doctor mentions growth failure or weight gain during a consultation, Dr. Gilboa encourages parents to contact a medical nutritionist with pediatric experience. “Before you see a nutritionist, track what your child eats for three days, write it down and bring a food diary to the appointment.”

The doctor will also be able to determine whether your child needs additional testing for neurophysiological problems.