When I talk to girls about relationships between men and women and talk about how one of the main problems is blindly following feelings, they ask me the same question. And what about love? And almost every girl is sure that the most important thing in a relationship is love.
I have been studying this topic for a very long time and have studied it inside and out. I often come across such questions and now I will try to explain my approach to you, digging a little deeper.
After all, we are people, sometimes we express phrases and think that we understand each other, but in fact, behind the same word, each person has his own story, his own understanding.
And you, in turn, try to understand what I mean. You can agree or disagree and write your opinion in the comments.
What is true love?
It is important to clarify that each person experiences and expresses love in a unique way. However, clinical psychologist Bobby Wegner says, "We know that there is a difference between lust, attraction and attachment, which are combined with what I define as love."
“The attachment stage is a key aspect of long-term love,”
Wegner adds. Attachment is a feeling of a deeper connection with a person than physical lust and attraction.
Family therapist Linda Carroll MS explains the idea of genuine love as the last phase of the five stages of relationships. A couple must go through deep interpersonal connection, but also doubt, disappointment, and ultimately a decision about whether the person is worth being with or not before experiencing true, sincere love.
Interestingly, both experts note that the idea of one soulmate seems wrong. “Undoubtedly, a person can make a choice and spend his whole life with another person.”
, says Carroll.
“But I also believe there are many more kindred spirits in the world.”
Real love
This is exactly the feeling that is most difficult to describe in words. Love is located in the spiritual sphere, and practically has nothing to do with the material world.
When a guy is in love, he can tell why he likes the girl. For example, he is attracted to beautiful long legs, silky hair, etc.
But when a person truly loves, it is much more difficult to say why. There is simply a great desire to be close to a person and do everything possible for his happiness. And the girl is ideal for him by default.
Love cannot pass in one moment or a short period of time, like falling in love.
This feeling is available to absolutely every person on earth. But many do not experience it, either due to negative life experiences, when they cannot open up to feelings, or because of false goals in life. For example, if a girl first wants to find a wealthy man in order to later marry him, there is a 99% guarantee that she will not experience sincere feelings, since she did it out of calculation.
Therefore, be an open person, don’t fill your head with some false goals and attitudes, and watch your inner state when communicating with a girl.
Article on the topic: Beautiful declaration of love to a girl
Love is shown not only to the opposite sex, but also to the entire world around us. After all, if you are angry at the world, or irritated over trifles, then it will be quite difficult to love a girl. It's all interconnected.
Have you ever been in love? What is your definition of love?
You can also watch this interesting video about love:
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So, 15 signs of true love
You want more than just lust
It is important to understand the difference between lust and love. While lust is one stage of love, you need more than just physical attraction. You know this and do everything possible to achieve ideal love. The deeper you get to know your partner, the better connected you will be. You will gain a better understanding of who they really are and whether a relationship with this person is worth it or not.
If anything, risk is what makes love exciting. It encourages you to open up completely to another person so that your partner can read you like an open book. And despite the possibility of heartbreak, we do it anyway. Love is a huge risk, but it seems to be the reason we are all willing to take it.
You feel calm around your partner
Eventually, as the first phase passes, you and your partner begin to see who really is who. In other words, there is a feeling of calm familiarity. You feel grounded and satisfied in their presence. This is partly due to hormones released during the attachment phase that promote the release of oxytocin and vasopressin.
Oxytocin and vasopressin are hormones of tenderness and affection.
Do you think this is the right path?
Under the word "path"
can mean a person. It seems to you that this particular partner is the one with whom you are destined to spend your whole life. This is where the idea of unconditional love comes from.
You feel like a complete person
Your partner should not “complete” you, this is a misconception that people themselves came up with, but psychologists have refuted it. "This is a good sign that you are different and are more in the phase of infatuation than true love," says Carroll. “Both partners must be free, this is “sincere love”
, she concludes.
"Couples experience 'true individuality and self-discovery' when they are truly in love."
explains Carroll. This way, you don't feel inferior, but rather that you are two people capable of working well as a team.
You take the good with the bad
Before moving into the true love stage, couples must go through disillusionment (the end of the attachment phase when flaws begin to appear) and ultimately decide whether to stay together. There's nothing you can do about it. “Love is recognizing that you are not perfect together and making it work for the two of you anyway.”
says Carroll.
You accept your partner with all his shortcomings
Once you do this, you will be congratulated! With what? You have just proven to yourself that your love for this person is more important. Long-term love is a very difficult choice. Usually at this stage many couples just separate, but they had a lot of prospects together.
You are one team
You play the game according to the general rules, without substituting each other. Do not complain about the shortcomings of another person to your friends or relatives. You are links in one chain, two independent, equal and equivalent figures.
Do you believe that love will last forever
Despite the risk and any other difficulties, there is a deep understanding of always having this person in your life. And creating this trust barrier is no easy feat. According to Carroll, “This is the process that takes the most time.”
You overcome obstacles and difficulties together
To develop true love, you will need to go through difficult times and figure out how to properly solve certain problems. But the more your relationship is tested, the more you fall in love with each other. But this does not mean that now you will be together forever. Any relationship still requires effort, but by achieving genuine love, you will hone your communication and conflict resolution skills to perfection.
Have you learned to forgive
Writing down every grievance in a notebook is a futile exercise. Lovers are always ready to forgive each other. As stated in the previous paragraph, you must overcome obstacles and difficulties. It will be difficult at first, but it will help you strengthen your relationship.
Resentment often competes with love. Where betrayal occurs, a serious spiritual battle begins. True love can heal any emotional wounds and overcome all grievances.
Are you ready to take a step into the unknown?
In love, nothing is predetermined. No one guarantees that feelings will be permanent, and that life together will be long and happy. “Love relationships are a special world in which reason does not rule everything. But don’t set yourself up for the worst.”
After a breakup and the experience of unsuccessful relationships in the past, we convince ourselves in advance that we are doomed to suffer. To truly love, it is important to set yourself up for the positive and discard what happened in the past, i.e. embrace the unknown and learn to be patient.
You don't pay attention to others
I don’t need anyone except “you” - here is a comic, but extremely brief and understandable description of this sign of love. You throw out all your emotions on one person and are completely indifferent or indifferent to others.
Your relationship is developing
It takes a long time for love to take shape. If you give care and tenderness when the initial passions in the relationship have subsided, this is one sure sign of true love.
Do you want to become a better person?
You have an incentive to become better. In terms of attractiveness and knowledge. Moreover, true love will not require colossal sacrifices, i.e. complete change - “You as a person.” There should be no hard work in love: confident work on oneself - yes, but it should not oblige one to make sacrifices.
You feel good together even in silence
Chatting all night long on the phone is an unconditional sign of interest in each other. Love stories of various sizes usually begin with such late-night conversations. But sometimes silence reveals much more. When the silence between you does not form an awkward pause, your souls begin a quiet dialogue.
When a girl talks about love, what does she mean?
Usually it is guided by:
- Her feelings that she had experienced before.
- Stereotypes that exist in our society - public opinion, judgments of friends, parents, understanding of life drawn from movies, myths and fairy tales.
Answer the questions:
- Does the girl divide her global, overwhelming feelings into components?
- How does she know that the feeling or feelings she is experiencing is love?
- Why does she have a different range of feelings for different men and again calls it love?
- Why can you experience different love for men, girlfriends, parents, children, animals, nature, your home?
- Why is love so different and elusive: It comes on its own when you don’t expect it and leaves on its own when you didn’t want it?
How would you describe this feeling of love? Write in the comments, your opinion is very interesting.
How long does it take to fall in love?
How long it takes to fall in love will depend on the individual and the couple. There is no set time frame that applies to everyone. Physiologically speaking, the dopamine rush begins to subside after about four years of a relationship. Dopamine plays a big role in the attraction stage before oxytocin and vasopressin come into play to ensure true attachment.
“A person can fall in love in one second, but we often take this formulation as a mistake. It’s more like a fleeting love,”
says Carroll.
“I think to truly fall in love, a couple must go through serious trials,”
she concludes.
In this case, it is important to remember that falling in love and separation is not uncommon when we actually find ourselves in years drawn out in time.
“I support the words of my colleague. There is no general script, true love will come when she is ready for it. And to say that this will happen in 3-5 years is also incorrect; for each couple it moves at its own pace. Everything is as fair in love as in war."
says Wegner.
He also adds, “However, if you find yourself frequently experiencing lust, affection, or attraction to your partner and it is not reciprocated or different from what most others experience, it is worth asking why. Is this true love, or have you gotten back into a relationship with the wrong person?”
Definition of love
My opinion on this issue, as you understand, is exclusively subjective, since each person lives in his own reality and has a unique life experience. Therefore, for everyone, this concept will acquire different variations. But nonetheless.
Today, the media are promoting their own concepts of love, but it’s all tied to money. And I think this gives a very distorted picture. Moreover, recently the concept of love is increasingly being replaced by sex. He's everywhere. Almost every advertisement features half-naked girls, they are on social networks.
And now a lonely guy, who has thought about all this, with the desire to find a sincere mutual feeling in his life, looks at all this, and understands nothing.
In order to sort everything out, let's start with definitions. Let's look at affection, infatuation, and, in fact, love.
Attachment
It often happens that a guy finds a girl, starts communicating with her, they have sex, and the relationship seems to move on. But there are no special feelings. But in the absence of fish, she continues the relationship. A year or two passes. And here you can fall into a trap. The guy with this girl is bored, because there are no feelings, and everything else has died down too. But he cannot part with her. Therefore, he thinks that there are still feelings. It's a delusion. In fact, this is a clear example of attachment to a person. He's used to it. Communication with this girl became part of his life routine and formed a comfort zone. And if he breaks up with her, it turns out that the comfort zone will have to be broken. Since for some time he will be alone with himself until he finds another girl.
If you understand that there are no feelings left for the girl, but only affection, then it is better to end the relationship. Since it won’t end well anyway, and there’s no point in delaying the inevitable.
How to tell a person that I love him?
If you're reaching the final stages of the last phase, you'll probably start thinking about how to tell your partner. As with any big deal in a relationship, be honest and open.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable, get into the ring and tell your partner how you feel. If they don’t reciprocate, ask why, but not right away. Give them a little time to hear the words: “I love you,” everyone wants, but this is also a very important and responsible moment.
In conclusion…
Before committing such an act, think carefully about everything. It is also important to keep in mind that everyone has their own formula for true love, their own secret and place from which they draw the necessary nourishment and inspiration.
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Love
Falling in love is a strong initial feeling for a girl that develops immediately after you meet. Or when you just feel the feeling of “I want love” because you haven’t had a girlfriend for a long time. And as soon as she appears, you plunge into the abyss of emotions. To understand whether there is love behind being in love, you should talk to the girl for some time, sometimes even for a long time. When the love goes away, there are 2 options left:
You're cooling off towards the girl. You understand that there is no spice, you are used to sex with her, and communication is boring. The love is gone. There was no love.
Falling in love transforms into warmer and more tender feelings. You understand that you still want to take care of the girl and be close to her. It's like you were made for each other.
