Low self-esteem and its causes: how to raise self-esteem

Types of personality self-esteem in psychology

In psychology, there are three types of self-esteem.
The classification is based on the degree to which a person’s self-importance corresponds to objective data. The more realistically a person evaluates himself, the more successful his relationships with people are and the higher his success in all areas of life. With this type of self-perception, a person’s assessment coincides with reality. A person soberly realizes his strengths and weaknesses, knows his capabilities and needs, and determines his inner potential.

Such a person is capable of self-criticism and working on mistakes. Weaknesses are eliminated and strong characteristics are cultivated.

Distorted self-esteem suggests that a person’s opinion of himself is far from objective. Radical self-perception can be overestimated or underestimated when a person either does not accept himself at all or believes that he has qualities that are not actually inherent in him. Inadequate self-esteem interferes with communication and professional achievement.

In this case, a person treats himself differently at different periods of his life, sometimes he shows more confidence, sometimes he becomes weak and complex.

We can also talk about a mixed view if we really look at ourselves in terms of some qualities, but inadequately in terms of other characteristics. For example, we confidently achieve success in our profession, but in our personal lives we consider ourselves unworthy of a suitable partner.

Psychological characteristics of a person with low self-esteem

The main meaning of adequate self-perception is to learn to love yourself for real, with shortcomings and “imperfections.” It should be understood that everyone has advantages and disadvantages, but a confident person is able to advantageously present his achievements and successes. Accepting yourself as you are is one of the ways you can raise your level of self-esteem. The question of how to increase self-esteem and self-confidence is quite broad and requires the participation of an experienced psychologist.

Experts in the field of psychology note that people on a subconscious level gravitate towards more successful individuals - they are chosen as friends, business partners and spouses. That is why a specialist should teach how to love yourself and increase self-esteem.

In his book “The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem,” renowned psychotherapist Nathaniel Branden describes six practices for developing correct self-esteem.

The first step to building self-confidence is recognizing the problem. Here are some of the most effective techniques that will tell you how to increase self-esteem and self-confidence.

Change of environment.

Refuse to communicate with people who are negative and constantly dissatisfied with something. Strive for successful individuals who are confident and have a positive attitude. Communication with such people will gradually restore a person’s confidence and self-esteem.

If you constantly beat yourself up for mistakes and failures, you are unlikely to improve your self-perception. Do not use negative assessments in relation to your own life, appearance, career, finances.

Understand that you are the only person and there is no other person like you in the world. See yourself as a unique and unrepeatable person, even with flaws.

Affirmations are short motivating formulas aimed at building self-confidence. It is better to repeat them in the morning and before bed. You can create a playlist with such affirmations.

It is much easier to hide from a problem with a glass of wine, desserts or tears. Try to face the challenge and see who wins.

If it is not possible to attend the training, use specialized psychological literature or documentaries and feature films.

This is the best way to increase self-esteem. Regular training allows you to evaluate your appearance less critically. In addition, during physical activity, hormones of happiness and good mood are produced.

Record personal successes and achievements in your diary. Be sure to record every success, no matter how small from your point of view. Set a goal to write down 3-5 small accomplishments. Low self-esteem in men is especially dependent on low self-realization

So what distinguishes a person with low self-esteem? What difficulties does he face in life? What features characterize his behavior and actions?

A person with low self-esteem is characterized by self-doubt, isolation and indecisiveness. He is focused on his shortcomings, is well aware of his negative characteristics, while he knows practically nothing about his positive qualities and merits. He constantly complains about life and feels helpless.

How a person treats himself, how he evaluates himself, largely determines how other people will treat him. A person feels that he is not good enough, and then, when he gets into a relationship, he is content with little, believes that he does not deserve something more, feels strongly dependent on his partner, and is not capable of building equal, harmonious relationships with other people.

He is also inclined to justify other people, forgive them mistakes, while being critical of his own failures and fixated on his shortcomings. A person with low self-esteem is prone to self-blame. He constantly criticizes himself, focuses on his defeats, blames himself for the mistakes of the past, cannot forgive himself (I wrote about feelings of guilt in the article “Feelings of guilt: how to forgive yourself?”).

People with low self-esteem are often lonely, feel alienated from society, and lack of self-confidence prevents them from building interpersonal relationships and making new acquaintances.

Level of self-esteem

The level of self-esteem depends on the degree to which a person loves himself and compares with other people.

Understated

A person with low self-esteem treats himself without much warmth; he is not satisfied with the way his life is shaping up.

In external manifestations such an individual is expressed:

• frequent self-criticism;
• regularly occurring feelings of guilt;
• desire to please other people;
• fear of doing something wrong.

At the same time, a person’s objective data is good, there is potential, but due to the fear of making a mistake, they are often not realized.

Low

The most undesirable level of self-assessment, which does not allow you to build successful relationships and achieve results.

A person with low self-esteem is identified by the following symptoms:

• apologies are appropriate and inappropriate;
• neurotic feeling of guilt;
• constant justifications for one’s words and actions;
• lack of initiative due to complete lack of self-confidence.

With low self-esteem, an “imposter complex” is always present. If a person has achieved success, done something well, he will say that this is an accident and he has no merit in it.

His speech is replete with phrases such as: “I’m not sure,” “I can’t, I won’t succeed.” By the way, perfectionism is a manifestation of low and low self-esteem. Everyone knows examples when girls, seemingly with an ideal appearance, which many can only dream of, torture themselves with diets, go under the knife of plastic surgeons and develop severe pathologies.

Normal

Having normal self-esteem is a great success for a person! People are fully aware of their pros and cons, take their virtues and sins for granted, and try to correct the latter. A person respects and loves himself.

In external manifestations, such self-perception is expressed as follows:

• ability to make decisions and take responsibility for them;
• calm expression of one's opinion;
• stress resistance;
• adequate perception of criticism from the outside;
• realistic expectations.

A person who evaluates himself normally lives easily, calmly, harmoniously, she has many friends, and has all the opportunities for a successful personal life. The likelihood of mental and psychosomatic illnesses is low. A person does not gnaw at himself with a feeling of guilt; he realizes mistakes, corrects them and moves on.

High, overpriced

The essence of high and inflated self-esteem is the same - a distorted idea of ​​oneself in the direction of praising advantages and ignoring shortcomings. An inflated self-perception is better for a person than an underestimated one, because it allows one to move forward. But such people have few close friends; they are often left alone.

Characteristics of a person with high self-esteem:

• narcissism, narcissism;
• intolerance of any criticism;
• unshakable confidence in one’s rightness;
• blaming the failures of others;
• lack of habit of asking for forgiveness, even if it is to blame;
• constant competition with colleagues and friends;
• lack of desire and skills to listen to the opponent.

Such a person is not interested in people, in principle. He often boasts, talks about his successes, and considers himself underestimated. The individual believes that the whole world should revolve around him; he does not ask, but orders.

Self-esteem protection:

A person with unstable self-esteem activates defense mechanisms. Among them are:

• avoidance;
• passivity;
• shifting responsibility;
• self-deception;
• rationalization.

It happens that a person falls into the “trap of average achievements.” In other words, having achieved any results that, in his opinion, are significant, he becomes passive. The reason is simple. He believes that any changes can lead to problems and failure.

Compensation for unstable self-esteem occurs using methods such as:

• criticism;
• Internet comments;
• irony;
• extension to...;
• to belong to …;
• games;
• consumer values;
• demonstrativeness, etc.

Fluctuations in self-esteem happen to everyone. But it is important to ensure that when it falls, demotivation does not occur. It is necessary to strive so that there is no desire to quit the job you have started.

Reasons for low self-esteem. Why do I have low self-esteem?

Low self-perception has very specific symptoms:

• constant self-criticism;
• dissatisfaction with oneself;
• excessive sensitivity to the opinions and criticism of other people;
• feeling of anxiety, fear of making the wrong decision;
• envy of other people's successes;
• justifying one's own actions;
• pessimism and negative attitude towards the world around us.

If you feel that problems and failures are your constant companions in life, if it seems to you that the decisions you are making are wrong, delve into the study of the topic - how to believe in yourself and increase self-esteem. Otherwise, emotional disorders and depression are possible.

It is difficult even for a specialist to determine all the criteria that influence the formation of self-perception. Psychologists distinguish innate factors, external factors and a person’s position in society. There are four most common causes of low self-esteem.

The statement “all problems come from childhood” is the most common reason for low self-perception. In childhood, there is a direct dependence of the child’s self-esteem on the principles of upbringing and the attitude of the parents towards the child.

If a child constantly experiences feelings of guilt in childhood, in the future this will turn into self-doubt and reluctance to make decisions on their own.

It is possible to form an adequate assessment only in an environment where success and achievements are sincerely valued. If a person finds himself in a passive environment where there is no initiative, he becomes the same. Low self-esteem and self-doubt characterize people in such a society.

To a greater extent, low self-esteem is formed in children and adolescents with non-standard appearance and congenital pathologies. As a rule, the people around you are quite tough and straightforward in their judgments. First of all, overweight children need help. They need to be told how to love themselves and increase their self-esteem. A woman's self-esteem depends more strongly on her appearance.

What does self-esteem depend on? The problem of low self-esteem affects a huge number of people, but the most surprising thing is that few people are aware of it. When we turn to a psychologist because of depression or increased anxiety, in most cases the cause of these pathologies is low self-esteem, but people usually don’t even understand this, they don’t realize how low self-esteem has a detrimental effect on their mental health.

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In our minds, every person we meet on our way is unique and inimitable. Self-esteem is formed quite slowly, and although personal qualities play a certain role, it is formed to the greatest extent due to lived experience and our relationships with other people. As a result, a person develops his own subjective positive or negative self-esteem.

- Physical, sexual and emotional abuse, especially at an early age.

— The level of expectations of parents and teachers from the child.

— Discrimination in any form.

— Bullying (at school, etc.).

- Loss of a loved one.

- Social isolation.

— Loss of a job, unstable or difficult situation at work.

When a person experiences difficulties or is in a difficult life situation, negative thoughts spontaneously appear in the head. About your intellectual capabilities, appearance or ability to achieve success in life.

What matters is both our life experience and how we interpret it and what conclusions we draw.

The important thing is that a low score is mainly based on beliefs, not facts, and these beliefs can be changed and corrected.

Thus, in order for us to be comfortable alone with ourselves, it is necessary to increase our own self-esteem and self-respect.

Learn to love yourself
What is the danger of low self-esteem? Low self-esteem negatively affects all aspects of life. Your attitude towards yourself, self-perception, self-esteem or lack thereof will affect your performance and productivity, personal life, relationships with the outside world and with yourself.

Loving yourself is harder than it seems. Loving yourself means accepting yourself for who you are, respecting yourself, listening to yourself and your needs and desires, loving yourself for who you are, completely, with all your strengths and weaknesses.

A person who loves and values ​​himself transmits positive vibrations to others and a desire to get to know and communicate with him. He radiates love because he accepted himself. And other people subconsciously feel it.

How to deal with low self-esteem? Love yourself

A person who does not love, and especially does not respect himself, has a high chance of getting drawn into toxic emotional relationships and becoming emotionally dependent.

Remember that prevention is easier than cure...

Setting a goal within the framework of “If”

As already mentioned, with unstable self-esteem, a positive or negative attitude towards oneself depends on the situation. The “If” condition is of great importance here. Such people are dominated by “imposed” goals.

In other words, their type of self-esteem can be called “pleasing others.” They perceive their value in terms of how others perceive them. If such a person is accepted, then his self-esteem increases, otherwise it falls.

I have one friend who exhibits similar behavior. He says: “I don’t know what I want, I don’t have a goal.” In fact, she is. He needs to please others and please others. He pleases and fulfills requests. Initially, he tried to do something good for his mother, then for his teachers. Later, he began to unconsciously look for people who had a certain expectation towards him. He cannot set a goal for himself because he already has one, but it is global. This is what is meant by the concept of “imposed” goals.

Emotions and feelings:

In the “I + If” situation, a person is dominated by:

• confidence,
• wish,
• interest,
• optimism,
• motivation.

If “I-If” is characteristic, then emotions such as:

• shame,
• guilt,
• resentment,
• uncertainty,
• emptiness,
• anxiety.

Self-Esteem Functions

The description and content of the functions of personality self-esteem, as a basic concept in psychology, are given in the table.

What influences the formation of self-esteem

Self-esteem is developed in a person from early childhood.

• It matters how parents show their love for their child. If love is unconditional and does not depend on good behavior, such a child will grow up with normal or high self-esteem. When he understands that he will be loved only for something (put away toys, got an excellent mark, took out the trash), then in adulthood the person will believe that he cannot be loved just like that, and a good attitude must be earned.
• The attitude of parents towards the successes and failures of the child plays a big role. Parents’ value judgments such as “You can handle this”, “Such a smart kid will definitely do it” have a positive role in the formation of self-esteem.

Accordingly, statements in the spirit of: “They don’t ask you”, “You understand a lot”, “Well, as always, you are armless” for many years lay in a person the attitude that he is “bad”, good for nothing, stupid, incompetent, etc.

Self-esteem can decline already in adulthood. For example, a person tries to build a career, works a lot, improves his qualifications, but career growth does not occur. The individual begins to doubt his abilities. If self-esteem was initially normal, the reason for the failure will be found. Low self-esteem can drop even lower.

Women are often deliberately devalued by men with whom they are in intimate relationships. A complex partner deliberately humiliates his wife or girlfriend in order to be able to impose his will on her. The woman begins to be perplexed and analyze what is wrong with her. If her parents instill self-respect and love, then the girl will break up with a toxic partner; if not, she will suffer and prove her need to an unsuitable man.

Unstable self-esteem: how split people live

Look again at the picture above. Every time something from the list on the right happens, a person experiences very painful sensations and emotions that are difficult to bear.

Why do people “split” themselves:

• To receive love and recognition;
• Feel confident;
• Experience positive emotions;
• To look at life and your future with optimism;
• To increase motivation

Why is this happening:

Because a person falls into a state “like in childhood,” but this is not the “childhood” that he wants to return and live again. No matter what you do, if you continue to live in a “split” state, every time you find yourself in the “I-minus if” position, you will return to childhood. Again and again. It doesn't matter if you are 16, 35, 50 or 60 years old. The split personality has no age. All her experiences are entirely dependent on circumstances.

Now imagine that such a person begins to build a career. It is possible to work as an employee in such a psychological situation, although it will most likely not be easy. But building your own business is impossible. How will a split personality make money if, when making decisions, he is entirely guided by the circumstances and opinions of other people? You know the answer.

Correction of low self-esteem

Is it possible to independently increase your self-esteem and make it optimal? Yes, I think it is possible. The main thing is to realize how low self-esteem affects your life, how it limits you and interferes with normal, healthy functioning. Awareness of the reasons that influenced the decline in your self-esteem is also important.

Comparison away

Try to compare yourself with other people as little as possible, or better yet, don’t compare at all. All people are different, each has their own life, their own goals and values. It is impossible to be the first in everything! It is important to learn to appreciate what you have today and not to devalue your achievements. Compare yourself only with yourself yesterday, note your development and changes in life, notice the moments in which you have “grown up”.

Try to think positively about everything, think about the positive outcome of events, stop constantly expecting failure. To do this, you can use self-hypnosis formulas - short phrases that will help you feel more confident (for example, “I can do it!”, “I can handle it!”, etc.)

Think about what kind of person you would like to be, what qualities you would like to have. Are there people around you whom you would like to be like? What exactly do you like about them, what are their features, strengths? Think about what specific steps you can take to get closer to your desired goal?

Are there any obstacles in your way, how can you overcome them? Talk to the person you aspire to be like: ask him how he managed to achieve the result that he has (or read his interview, if it is some celebrity, movie star or popular musician. Stars willingly share recipes with fans your success).

It is good to know your shortcomings, but it is equally important to understand, accept and show your strengths and positive qualities. Find them within yourself or by seeking help from friends, parents or a psychologist. An outside perspective will help you discover something new and valuable in yourself. Don't be shy to ask your friends what they appreciate about you.

Attitude towards people:

Often on our way we meet people whose type of self-esteem can be attributed to “I+, if I am the best.” They rank people based on what they have. On their scale there are those who are below him and those who are above him. They strive to communicate with those who are higher, and as soon as they get close, they become on the same level with them on their scale. The result is depreciation. We may meet people who initially communicate well with us, but over time begin to treat us with disdain. What happened? They devalue us and our achievements. According to their scale, they “outgrow” us. Such people understand that in order not to devalue a person, they need to keep a distance from him.

What is high self-esteem in the classical sense?

For example, a young man from a wealthy family goes to college. Usually such people perceive the achievements of their parents as their own. The student treats everyone with disdain, including the teachers. In his opinion, he is much higher than them on the social ladder. Of course, he will behave differently. Essentially, high self-esteem is when a person categorizes himself differently from others.

What causes misunderstanding between people?

First of all, due to different priorities. For example, a scientist and a businessman are unlikely to be able to understand each other. They will look at the same things differently, since they have different life values.