Fear, pain, failure: how to recognize low self-esteem and increase confidence?

How to increase self-esteem for an adult woman? At the age of 18, it seems that the whole world is at your feet, but over time this feeling passes. Problems at work, unsuccessful relationships, demands from colleagues, claims from husband and children - this is not a complete list of what can shake healthy self-esteem. Self-love is depleted, girls feel broken and unhappy. Stop! You can start fixing this right now. Read the psychologist’s advice on how to raise a woman’s self-esteem, and take them into account!

Signs of low self-esteem

Have you heard the common phrase: “if you want to be loved, first love yourself”? Girls with low self-esteem do not love or accept themselves. They feel that they are not good enough: too skinny or too fat, poorly educated or too well-read. Such women look at themselves in the mirror with irritation and “push” their own interests into last place.

5 main signs of self-doubt:

• Inability to accept compliments: when you hear pleasant phrases, it seems that you do not deserve them, they laugh at you or flatter you.
• Reliability: You never say no. Work overtime? Certainly! Spend your entire vacation helping someone at their dacha? No problem! Insecure girls think that if they refuse, they will lose love and support.
• Constantly comparing yourself to others. “Yes, I have a diploma with honors, but Lidka actually graduated from Moscow State University!” “Yes, I vacationed in Turkey, but Sveta was in the Maldives!” Any achievements seem insignificant, “do not count” because someone is better, richer, smarter, more beautiful.
• Claims to appearance. “The legs are crooked and the nose is big.” “The chest is okay, but the butt let us down.” If there are any features, such as freckles, gaps between teeth or protruding ears, they are disgusting, even if others find them cute and unique.
• Lack of ambition. Insecure women are satisfied with the “average”. They do not strive for a good, well-paid job, giving up the sweet spot to their colleagues. They date gigolos, whiners and lazy people, worrying that they won’t find anyone better.

Do you recognize yourself? It's time to figure out how to increase your self-confidence. But first, I will tell you why self-esteem is low and what it can lead to.

The influence of self-esteem on a person's life

Every person dreams of being successful in some field. And for this he needs an adequate assessment of himself and the ability to convince others.

Types of self-esteem

Psychologists distinguish three types of self-esteem , each of them has both its advantages and disadvantages. Let's look at the characteristics of each:

• Overpriced. The individual overestimates his own capabilities and real results. This type of self-esteem has both positive and negative sides. He is very confident in himself and in his actions. Such people are accustomed to relying only on themselves, since everyone else is not very qualified and reliable. Sometimes, such a person elevates himself above others, which others don’t like very much, because such people consider themselves smarter, more successful, more beautiful. Many believe that some representatives wear more of a mask than they actually are, in order to hide an inferiority complex. This tactic helps a person hide her fears and complexes by praising her own merits and humiliating and insulting people. You shouldn’t even get into an argument with such people. After all, is it possible to convince someone who considers himself the best in everything? Inflated self-esteem can also be a consequence of improper upbringing on the part of parents. Most often this happens when there is only one child in the family, and he is the only one receiving parental love and care.

• Adequate. Adequate self-esteem is possessed by those who really evaluate themselves and their own strengths. Such a person, unlike a highly rated representative, is aware of his own strengths and weaknesses and does not prove to everyone that he has a crown on his head and a retinue. He knows very well where he did wrong and is ready to apologize for his wrongdoing. He does not care about the opinions of others about himself and his life, because such a person knows his worth and independently makes important and serious decisions. People with such self-esteem respect themselves and their surroundings, are not afraid of life changes, and believe that mistakes are valuable experience.
• Understated. Low self-esteem is a conscious or subconscious belittling of one’s merits, talents, skills and capabilities, which prevents one from achieving one’s goals in life, being successful and happy. Such persons are never confident in their abilities, so they use the following phrases: “I’m not ready, I can’t, I doubt it, I’ll try...” They are very vulnerable and take criticism addressed to them to heart. They often like to apologize for actions they did not commit. They rarely acknowledge their own merits, justifying themselves by luck, the help of other people, etc. People with low self-esteem may constantly feel guilty for not doing a job well enough or for not putting in enough effort into something. They are not ready to take risks and make serious decisions in difficult situations; it is better for someone else to do it for them. After all, they are not good enough.

Reasons for undervaluation

There are a huge number of factors that influence an individual’s attitude towards himself. This is primarily appearance, innate data, status in society, etc.

The most common reasons:

• Family education. It has long been proven that one of the defining features of the development of a child’s personality is parental education. It is precisely this that promotes familiarity with the world around us and our own assessment of ourselves. It is common for a child to imitate his elders and unconsciously copy their behavior. Therefore, he is unlikely to develop adequate self-esteem if his parents constantly quarrel in front of him.
• Failures in childhood. When a child first begins to meet his peers, he may have some problems associated with communicating among unfamiliar people. Various psychological traumas can also occur when a boy or girl has some kind of peculiarity. Distinctive appearance, speech impediment, clothing, unusual behavior. Despite this, they also begin to blame themselves for their parents' conflicts, which in turn turns into uncertainty and reluctance to make their own decisions.
• High bar. Being in an environment where everyone compares a person to someone else, wanting to make him an example. People cause damage to the human psyche, after which the individual becomes withdrawn and indecisive because he did not live up to expectations. In a society where everyone is successful and successful, but he is not, a person will feel depressed and incapable of anything. Later, most likely, he may develop an inferiority complex, which does not characterize adequate self-esteem of the individual.
• Features of the body. The individual receives his second education from a society that is very aggressive in childhood and adolescence. Children with certain body characteristics often fall under the influence of their environment and become victims of bullying and ridicule from their peers. A striking example are overweight guys who receive a lot of nicknames in kindergarten or school.

Reasons for low self-esteem

The main reason is constant parental criticism. Wishing the best for their beloved daughter, mothers begin to “teach them life.” What does it look like?

• “Don’t wear short skirts, they show that your legs are crooked!”
• “If you smile all the time, they’ll think you’re a fool.”
• "Don't laugh like a horse!"
• "What are you so happy? Four are not happy! If there are five, then we’ll talk!”
• “While you’re doing your dancing, Aunt Tanya’s daughter won the Olympics!”

Such phrases “hit” a child’s self-esteem every day. He believes in parental authority: “I have crooked legs, I do nonsense, I won’t achieve anything.”

Low self-esteem – what else does it depend on? Failures in life can lower self-esteem. For example, an unsuccessful relationship. Especially if they are superimposed on such remarks from others as: “And I told you that normal men will not love you!” or “Well, what did you want with your face!”

Girls! If you hear such phrases addressed to you, know: the problems are not with you, but with those who say so! People try to feel better about themselves, to validate themselves, by putting you down. The first thing to do is stop communicating with them. You will find tips on how to do this in the “Women’s Purpose” section.

How to increase self-esteem and self-confidence: advice from a psychologist

Experts in the field of psychology believe that by using some methods to increase self-esteem, you can radically change the situation for the better.

Change of environment and communication with successful people

Often, in order to achieve success, you just need to change your social circle. Constant contact with losers often leads to the fact that all attempts to create a happy life will be doomed to failure.

Therefore, for a person who wants to become self-confident, it is necessary to communicate with people who have already achieved success in life. They can share secrets on how to achieve similar results.

Attending events, trainings, seminars

If a person clearly realizes that he cannot gain self-confidence on his own, he can turn to the help of specialists.

In most cities there are centers for psychological assistance to the population, where they often organize trainings and seminars for those who want to succeed in life. They tell you how to increase self-esteem, love yourself, accept your personality as a given with all its advantages and disadvantages.

In addition, these classes can help you meet other people with the same problems and get practical help or just understanding and support.

Leaving your comfort zone, performing unusual actions

Many techniques for increasing self-esteem recommend that people with low self-confidence try to change their usual lifestyle, take a step that will help break the vicious circle.

It is important to evaluate yourself, understand what causes fear, try to eliminate the cause and thereby get rid of fears.

You can, for example, radically change the type of activity in which you have not been successful. You can move to another city, breaking all ties with the environment that prevents you from developing.

Getting a dog that will force you to change your daily routine, go on a long hike with a group of strangers, take up an extreme sport - any action will force you to step out of your comfort zone and look at your strengths and weaknesses from a different perspective.

Avoiding excessive self-criticism

Among the recommendations that psychologists give to people who lack self-confidence are the following: get rid of self-criticism, the habit of criticizing yourself for the slightest mistake or oversight. It is most difficult for such a person to increase self-esteem, since he tends to focus only on his own shortcomings, without noticing his advantages.

Reproaching himself for any mistake, a person loses self-confidence. He develops the opinion that he is not capable of any achievements, but as a result, what he fears so much happens.

It is important to be able to accept yourself as you are, with all your shortcomings. In addition, you should try to love them, since they are part of a whole personality. This does not mean that you need to put up with them, but it is simply necessary to accept and realize them.

It is important to give yourself the right to make mistakes, because only those who do nothing never make mistakes.

Playing sports and leading a healthy lifestyle

Playing sports always helps to give yourself confidence. Moreover, it is better not to exercise alone, but in a group, for example, purchase a subscription to a fitness center.

Under the guidance of an experienced instructor, you can quickly achieve results - strengthen your muscles, pump up your abs, improve your figure. Every achievement will not go unnoticed by others, which always gives you self-confidence.

Playing sports will require lifestyle changes, which will have a beneficial effect on the condition of the whole organism. An orderly daily routine, a nutritious diet, giving up bad habits, and sufficient time for active rest and sleep will definitely have a positive impact on your health and increase self-esteem.

Listening to Affirmations

A common and effective way to increase self-esteem is to use affirmations. These are short life-affirming phrases that set you up for a positive wave and encourage action.

You can download affirmations as an audio file on the Internet, record personal statements on a voice recorder and listen to them in the car or on headphones at any convenient time, but not less than 30 minutes a day.

You can write down the following example statements:

1. I'm confident.
2. I always succeed.
3. Nothing stops you from achieving your goal.
4. I have a lot of strength, I can do anything.
5. I have many advantages.
6. People love and appreciate me.
7. There are no barriers to my will.
8. All forces are aimed at achieving the goal.
9. Nothing can upset or upset me.
10. I love myself the way I am.

Psychologists believe that such a method, especially in the morning, helps to tune in to the realization of cherished goals and mobilize all the forces of the body for this.

What does low self-esteem lead to?

Women with low self-esteem do not love themselves and cannot love others. They become addicted and create suffocating relationships from which guys run away. Unconfident girls have little energy potential; they do not build a successful career. But the main thing is that they are unhappy. I tell you how to change this and become happy in the article “If only a sweetheart were nearby - the secrets of women’s happiness.” But first you need to gain confidence and love yourself.

How to increase self-esteem

Material prepared by: Natalya Priymachenko, psychologist. Today there are many ways to increase self-esteem and self-confidence. Exercises to increase self-esteem are studied at psychological trainings, at appointments with psychologists, described in psychological literature, on the Internet, and broadcast on radio and television programs. Let's look at some techniques as examples.

Ways to increase self-esteem

Awareness of one's own insecurities is the first step towards success in the question of how to increase self-esteem for a teenager or an adult.
Think about how your insecurity manifests itself? When? Under what circumstances? Which people do you feel inferior to and why? It makes sense to listen to your inner voice. You need to figure out whose voice this is: really yours or someone else’s, perhaps a person who once questioned or criticized your abilities, your strength. Who projected their own inadequacy onto you? Could this be the voice of your indecisive mother, or your unhappy teacher, or your pessimistic older brother? Exchange other people's voices for voices of support: remember - someone definitely praised you, at least one person once believed in you.

Advertising Let's look at some more useful tips to increase self-confidence and answer the question of how to increase self-esteem.

1. Analog states.

Remember the moments when you felt the most confident in yourself. Maybe it was a successful exam, the best result in a sports competition, a performance at a concert, or you simply managed to do something better than others. Remember a moment when you felt like a hero. Once again, relive it emotionally vividly. Note the supporting symptoms of your confidence.

To consolidate the experience, you can put a medical rubber band on your left wrist. Now, repeating the technique described above, if you feel a surge of uncertainty, you need to pull back and sharply release the elastic band, “anchoring” the uncertainty with a painful sensation. The pain blocks her. And having created a state of confidence in yourself, you need to reinforce it with a positive emotion, for example, drink a cup of your favorite coffee or eat chocolate candy.

It will be enough to work with an elastic band for another month - and the question “I have low self-esteem - what should I do?” will disappear by itself.

2. “The Ideal Hero.”

How to increase self-esteem if you do not have enough experience, an analogue of confidence? Try to step into the role of the person you admired or admire now. You can remember book heroes or movie heroes. You can create a summary image of an ideal hero - the way you would like to be in life. Imagine him vividly, connect with his character and habits.

3. Creating a “corset of confidence.”

Among the tips on how to increase self-confidence, one of the main ones is to practice a confident look, voice, gait, and gestures. The voice of a confident person is loud, their diction is clear, they know how to take pauses and maintain the pace of the conversation.

Record your voice on a tape recorder and listen to it. How loud and clear do you speak? Do you take breaks? Do you vary your voice modulations as you wish? How pleasant is the timbre of your voice? Record and listen to yourself as many times as necessary until you are satisfied with yourself. Now try to talk in this mode with someone on the phone, then in direct contact.

One movement can tell you how a person feels in a given situation. Confident people have a straight gait, their gestures are expressive, and their postures are open.

Track your gestures and postures of confidence and uncertainty. Focus on gestures and postures of confidence. Embrace the new sensations.

4. Analysis of your biography.

Find in it something heroic, valuable, at least five or six events. And try to build your biography on them. Describe it colorfully from a heroic perspective.

Close your eyes and imagine that you are in a large room with two mirrors on opposite walls. In one of them you see your reflection. Your appearance, facial expression, posture - everything speaks of an extreme degree of insecurity. You hear how timidly and quietly you pronounce the words, and your inner voice constantly repeats: “I am the worst!”

Try to completely merge with your reflection in the mirror and feel completely immersed in a swamp of uncertainty. With each inhalation and exhalation, intensify the feelings of fear, anxiety, and suspiciousness.

And then slowly “come out” of the mirror and notice how your image becomes more and more dim and finally goes out completely.

You will never return to him.

Slowly turn around and look at your reflection in another mirror. You are a confident person! Memory suggests three bright events in your life when you were “on horseback”. Remember the sounds, images, smells that accompanied your feeling of confidence then. Your inner voice broke through: “I believe in myself! I'm confident in myself! The red bar of your confidence rises on the thermometer scale and with each inhalation and exhalation it approaches the centigrade mark.

What is the color of your confidence? Fill yourself with it. Imagine a sweeping inscription in gilded letters on basalt: “I am confident in myself!”

Take a deep breath and open your eyes. A feeling of confidence is a saving feeling.

Raising self-esteem

Psychologists highlight several simple tips on how to increase self-esteem.
1. Stop comparing yourself to other people. There will always be people who have more of something than you, and there will always be people who have less of it than you; 2. Stop scolding and blaming yourself. Whether you are talking about your appearance, your career, relationships, financial situation or any other aspect of your life;

3. Accept all compliments and congratulations with gratitude. When you respond to a compliment with something like “nothing special,” you are rejecting the compliment and at the same time sending yourself a message that you are not worthy of praise, creating low self-esteem;

4. Use affirmations to increase your self-esteem. Many psychologists, when answering the question of how to increase self-esteem, cite this method. Place a statement on a frequently used item, such as a card or wallet, such as “I love and accept myself” or “I am an attractive woman and deserve the best in life.” May this statement always be with you. Repeat the affirmation several times throughout the day, especially before you go to bed and after you wake up;

5. Communicate with positive and confident people who are ready to support you; when you are accepted and encouraged, you feel better and your self-esteem increases;

6. Make a list of your past achievements. The list may include small victories, for example: learning to snowboard, getting a driver's license. Try to close your eyes and once again feel the satisfaction and joy that you once felt;

7. Create a list of your positive qualities. Are you honest? Selfless? Helpful to others? Be kind to yourself and write down at least 20 positive qualities you have. Review this list often. Start focusing on your strengths;

8. Start giving more to others. This involves giving of yourself in the form of actions you can take to help others or positively encourage others. When you do something for others, you begin to feel like a more valuable individual;

9. Do what you enjoy. It's hard to feel positive about yourself if your days are spent working at a job you despise. Even if your job does not completely suit you, you can devote your free time to some of your hobbies that bring you joy;

10. Be true to yourself. Live your own life. You will never respect yourself if you don't spend your life the way you want to spend it. If you make decisions based on the approval of your friends and family, you are not being true to yourself and will have low self-esteem;

11. Take action. You cannot develop a high level of self-esteem if you do not accept the challenges that come your way. When you take action, regardless of the outcome, your sense of self-worth grows. When you hesitate to act because of fear or some other worry, you will only feel frustrated.

How to deal with low self-esteem?

The first thing you need to do is get rid of toxic people around you. Envious girlfriends, unfriendly colleagues, a partner who humiliates your dignity - leave them in the past. If you hear negative remarks from relatives, keep communication to a minimum.

Step two: start an affair with yourself. Think about how you feel about your loved ones? Hug them, compliment them, give them gifts. Do the same to yourself! Check out the checklist of simple actions that dramatically increase self-esteem:

1. Admire yourself. Spin in front of the mirror, stroke yourself on the head. It may be difficult at first, but gradually it will become a habit.
2. Pamper yourself. Put your own interests first. Are you going to the store? Buy a treat not only for your husband and children, but also for yourself. Buy books, cosmetics, underwear, clothes, and other things you have long dreamed of.
3. Be interesting to yourself. To do this, invest in self-development and education. Try to take Pavel Rakov’s trainings and courses - you will learn a lot of interesting things about male and female psychology, and improve your success skills.
4. Give yourself compliments. Right now, record a few compliments addressed to you on a voice recorder. Listen regularly and add to the recording.
5. Develop signs of healthy self-esteem. Learn to say no. Dream big: self-realization, a doctorate, going into space. Read the article “What kind of women do men love? 10 qualities that you need to cultivate in yourself” and use it as a guide to action.

How to increase self-confidence

Recognizing the problem is an important step, but then you need to work on yourself to solve it. There are a large number of ways to love yourself and put your life in order :

• Environment. The human environment has a special influence on self-confidence. It can influence both positively and negatively the attitude and worldview of a certain individual. Psychologists advise changing your social circle if it has a negative impact. It is worth having conversations with smart, successful, focused people who will help increase self-esteem and become role models.
• Criticism. One of the methods for increasing your own self-esteem is to give up constant negative statements and reproaches about your own actions and abilities. There is an opinion that a person himself sets the direction of his life, and if these are always negative thoughts and feelings, then the result will be appropriate.
• Comparison. There are many examples in life of those who have truly achieved a lot. They are shown on TV, written in magazines and newspapers, spoken on the radio and on the Internet. And it is not surprising that many begin to compare themselves with such persons. Envy and hopelessness automatically reduce the level of confidence, which primarily affects self-esteem. In such cases, you should not compare yourself to the celebrities on the cover. The surest way would be to compare your own achievements with previous results and move on, regardless of the on-screen characters.
• Self-hypnosis. Experts advise pronouncing special phrases and expressions to increase self-confidence. These are special attitudes that a person instills to improve significance and importance. For example: “I am beautiful and smart,” “I can do anything.” The only condition under which this technique will work is the absence of the “not” particle, which is not perceived by the body. Therefore, you should not use such phrases: “I won’t give up,” “I don’t want to...” and much more.
• Comfort zone. One of the modern problems for achieving desired goals for men and women still remains the comfort zone. This is the area where a person feels protected. He is not exposed to any risks, since he does all the same things as before. An individual will not talk to a new neighbor whom he really likes because he is afraid. He will not go home along a new uncharted road, but all because it is longer, and he is not used to it. You always need to get out of your comfort zone, explore new places, come up with interesting activities and do something completely unusual for ordinary life.
• Training. The psychology of increasing self-esteem practices methods such as training. They are very effective if you attend such classes from a real specialist. If this is not possible, you can purchase relevant literature or watch documentaries and feature films.
• Sport. A large number of people are interested in the question of how to increase self-esteem. A tip that will help strengthen willpower is to play sports, especially since sports help not only put the body in order, but also help produce dopamine, the hormone of joy.
• Diary of results. This diary will help both boys and girls cope with their lack of self-confidence. By adding new successes, small victories and tiny results, a person will be able to see how his path towards his desired goal is progressing.

How to love yourself

At the moment, there are a large number of different exercises that help you gain self-confidence. They are suitable for absolutely everyone: from children, teenagers and older generations with low self-esteem. Here we will also look at how to increase a woman’s self-esteem after a breakup .

1. Educate yourself. Take a piece of paper and write down your positive aspects, as well as your goals for the future. Separately, it is worth highlighting those qualities that interfere with achieving goals. After such actions, it will become clear that it is not a matter of personality at all, but of actions.
2. There is another way to increase a woman’s self-esteem. The exercises consist of visualizing your own successes and your new portrait. To do this, you need to take a sheet of paper and draw yourself as the person who can overcome all the difficulties and adversity on the way to your goal.
3. And affirmations that can raise self-esteem are also very popular. These are the words and phrases with which a person convinces himself to give confidence. For example: “I can do anything”, “I am young and beautiful”, “I know I can do everything”, etc.

These methods and exercises will help you take a fresh look at yourself and your own capabilities. Get your life in order and love yourself. It’s not difficult at all, you just need to put in a little effort to achieve your goals and desires that will change your life for the better.

What will happen next?

By correcting your self-esteem, you will understand how and with whom you want to live your life. You will notice that your environment has changed: people will appear around you who sincerely admire you and inspire you. Men will start complimenting and giving gifts. But the main thing is that you will begin to like yourself and enjoy every day you live.

Want to speed up the process? Try taking the online course “Secrets of Women’s Happiness.” On it I give a concentrate of techniques for building a harmonious life, rich, “roof-bearing” relationships.

Have you ever experienced signs of low self-esteem in your life? Did you manage to fix it?

What is self-esteem

Self-esteem and confidence are inseparable concepts in personality psychology. To achieve success in any field of activity, any person needs to be confident in himself and be able to convince others that he is right.

Low confidence in one's abilities often leads to depression; a person may come to the conclusion that his existence is meaningless. A person with inadequate self-esteem often considers himself unworthy of happiness, and therefore often gives up if he fails to achieve even the most accessible goals.

Sooner or later, this position leads to personality degradation and provokes the emergence of alcohol or drug addiction, the development of depression, and in some cases complete maladaptation.