I have no friends, what should I do?
Greetings. I live in a big city of less than two million people.
Loneliness. How much of this word. After 20, I considered myself an introvert, and thought that I could live my life calmly with this. But an introvert needs a friend, a girlfriend. Maybe not dozens. One two. three. But it is necessary. My introversion is more pronounced with a slight stutter. For many it is invisible. Because of this, I had to think about my phrases so as not to “freeze” mid-sentence. I can’t tell jokes, because I need to control my speech =) There were books, games, films, TV series. I'm tired of all. I tried different forums and groups. On the Internet. Mostly schoolchildren live there, with the shortest gap between love and hate. (Over the course of a year, I fully communicated with 100+ people. Conversations ended both the next day and a few weeks later) Apparently they are not lonely enough, because they often look for people with certain data: appearance, age, social status, voice. I found people who said that there is no one at all, and then you just listen to how they compare you with the other/soulmate who left them, with whom you somehow do not coincide. There are plenty of hypocrites. There hasn't been anyone "special" for about a year. I can't get anyone interested in me. Not scary. I go in for sports, sometimes I like to run or walk alone at night with music. Not closed. But for some reason I don’t arouse interest. There were no problems at all at the institute. We were together with a friend for 20+ girls. And after that I worked in many places, I didn’t find friends, but there was communication. I thought that about 9 years ago I moved to another city, and during all this time I had only two friends. I talked with one for several years, with the other for a year and a half. There is no more communication. It turns out that in a year I couldn’t even talk to anyone. I tried to find a common language with my parents in my youth. But we seem to be different. As soon as I start talking about my feelings or experiences, they immediately change the topic or begin to constantly interrupt with remarks not related to the conversation. I tried a couple of months ago - still the same.
As I understand it, I closed myself off from the problems of loneliness with books, films and games. (one of my hobbies is collecting stories (for some reason people were very willing to share secrets and different stories with me)) But this has already become boring.
Friends left long ago, only a friend remained. When you have a “special” person in your life, you can barely manage without friends. If, of course, you can talk with your other half about all the topics that interest you.
The condition is such that you are ready to see a friend or lover in anyone, but have no luck.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. Just something to share with someone. There is no desire to smile that everything is fine. I can’t think about good things when I understand with my mind that nothing is good. Every day is similar to the previous one. Lack of appetite and desire to do anything. Two friends in nine years. A couple of frivolous relationships and one serious one, which ended three years later. A year of emptiness and loneliness. If the love for books and games had not left me, everything would have been relative. No motivation, no desires. Why strive for something, for what? Life is meaningless when there is no one. It seems that there is some kind of wildness in the look or conversation. It’s as if he’s forgotten how to communicate normally, since he can’t establish long-term contact with anyone. Sometimes you avoid people, because you know that everything will be the same.
Thank you for your attention.
Why don't I have friends?
Finding and keeping friends as an adult is different from your days playing on the playground. It takes effort to maintain friendships over time. If you don't have many friends, consider the possible reasons below.
The point is that there are such people who are truly close, but one of their traits is always terrible and annoys everyone: it is impossible to rely on them for anything. They are always late or don't show up at all, and can appear out of the blue without warning. They can say that they are staying overnight and disappear an hour later, or, conversely, they can say that they are stopping by for an hour and staying for a week. It seems normal to them.
It’s just that, over time, those around you begin to think that perhaps it’s time to stop all relationships with such people. You wouldn't change yourself to please your friends, would you?
Let me start with the fact that times have come that people still choose friends. From early childhood, when parents are interested in their child, they develop him in many ways in one direction or another. For example, music, sports clubs, art school, theater studio.
The child not only learns or learns something new, but also enriches his inner world and becomes an interesting person. HE shares what he learns or talks about it, gathering around him people interested in him, who become his friends in the future.
The child’s self-esteem is at the right level for parental education. It’s interesting to be around such a person since childhood and adolescence. Communicate with him or learn something from him. His thoughts are directed in the right direction towards the development of self-knowledge and self-education. Just in childhood, when not only physiology is formed, but also the intellectual form of development.
A child who behaves freely and freely in society has many friends and comrades. He will never be alone, his friends and peers need him.
Every normal person has a need to communicate and be needed by someone. After all, the purpose of every person subconsciously makes itself felt. There are people who are not interested in being the center of attention, but rather remain in the shadows.
For some, loneliness is a close friend. Such people have their own world, which not everyone can get into, and those like them even become enemies.
Often children who were “raised” by their parents, so to speak, without knowing or thinking about their inner world, became embittered or unsure of themselves. Such people need friends and their psychological support, approving and confirming him in certain actions.
There are people who simply became victims of this difficult world and its inhabitants. They simply devoted themselves and their lives to friends and acquaintances. And how the ambulances flew on the wings of help to be useful and necessary. At the same time, understanding and accepting the fact that they are being used or taken advantage of. They probably need it themselves. It’s like people who don’t like to accept gifts, as they give them themselves, doing something nice for themselves. Such people understand that they are being used, then they often become upset and disappointed, but not for long and then continue to behave this way again.
And there are people who got burned once and no longer trust anyone, and don’t even make concessions. Contradictoryly, they immediately accept the newly appeared person. They tend to reason and make verdicts on their unfounded judgments, which are not unfounded in any way.
Such people are surrounded only by close family, for whom it is not easy to be with him and they are forced to tolerate this person. Such a unique person has no friends and no acquaintances, only his neighbors can communicate with him, and then probably out of necessity. People who suffer from a lack of communication should probably wonder why they are not in demand. Maybe they are not interesting to the environment and not so useful to people. After all, a person is needed when he can help with something or be needed.
Enrich yourself with interesting knowledge and do not forget to educate yourself. After all, your wealth depends on your inner spiritual world. And if there is harmony within you, then people feel it and are simply magnetized to you.
Be cultured, polite, attentive and educated people. And loneliness will never visit you. You will always be the center of attention of your friends and acquaintances.
Why don't you have friends
23 May 2020, 21:37
This material is also available in Ukrainian
Author: Annalisa Barbieri
It doesn't matter how old you are or what gender you are; friendship is hard work
“The lack of friends can be caused by a number of reasons, but most likely you yourself are to blame - directly or indirectly. Sounds cruel? But the truth is very important for friendship, and in order for us to be “friends” for the time it takes to read this text, I need to tell you the truth as it is. If you still think this sounds too unpleasant, this may be one of the reasons why you don’t have friends: you don’t know how to face the truth and evaluate yourself realistically,” writes journalist Annalisa Barbieri in a column for the Guardian.
Although the truth is important for relationships, diplomacy should not be abandoned either.
She notes that the second most common reason may be age. For example, children make friends with those who live nearby and with those with whom they have the same interests. Therefore, children who do not have friends should not worry too much: they have not yet found “their ones.”
“I spent my high school years on the periphery of other people's friendships. Those who had “best friends” seemed special. Little did I know that not having the tendency to become attached to just one person would help me make friends more easily as an adult?” the author recalls. She also adds that the ability to make friends is affected by frequent moves - you either gain unique skills in adapting to other people, or you completely withdraw into yourself, unable to withstand constant change of places.
“During adolescence, trust and loyalty become extremely important. If you don't have a soul mate, life becomes extremely difficult; it seems that you are the most unpopular person in the world. Anyone who has a teenager on Facebook knows this - they have thousands of people as friends, but practically no real friends,” says Barbieri.
She cites research by evolutionary anthropologist Dobin Dunbar, who concluded that a person can maintain relationships with a maximum of 150 people. Of course, we are talking about meaningful relationships that involve trust and responsibilities, and not about simple acquaintance - the ability to recognize a person by sight and remember his name.
“In old age, you may find yourself without friends because they have moved, moved away from you, or—what can you do—died. I write this rather harshly because the thought frightens me. When I was 22, my octogenarian neighbor said that the worst thing about old age for him was not the thought of his own death, but the horror of the fact that all his friends would die. I didn’t understand then what he meant – how can friends die? – Barbieri shares his memories. “Now, twenty years and several deaths later, I understand how scary it is when you start to lose your friends, as well as the hair on your head.”
If you are neither too young nor too old, but still have no friends, the author advises you to think about whether you are too critical or negative. If after communicating with you people feel offended or exhausted, as if they had just had half a liter of blood drawn (and not even given a cookie afterwards), they are unlikely to want to meet with you again.
She quotes Dale Carnegie, Fr.
“So while the truth is important for a relationship, diplomacy shouldn’t be abandoned either,” Barbieri warns.
She also notes that men are more likely to be friendless than women—studies have shown that women tend to form strong, deep friendships, while for men, friendships are often based on going to the bar and playing sports together.
“It doesn’t matter how old you are or what gender you are; friendship is hard work. Friends don't just appear. We need to remember birthdays. Ask how things are going. Listen, not just tell,” concludes Barbieri.
Read Annalisa Barbieri's full column on the
Guardian
Deception, negativity, betrayal: what does a woman’s lack of friends mean?
Many women notice that over time they have fewer and fewer close friends. Some even leave only men in their circle. Why this happens, psychologist and family consultant Stanislava Zarudnaya told 5-tv.ru.
Any friendship is built on trust and a sense of security. They arise when a person is not forced to pretend to be someone else. This does not depend on gender, but it is always important for a woman to have a friend to pour out her soul to.
Friendship between women differs little in function from men's. But if a lady prefers to rely only on men or have no friends at all, then there is always a reason for this.
“This is the presence of negativity in the experience of female friendship,” Stanislava explained. “Or negative beliefs about her.”
Negativity can be either real - betrayal, seduction of a partner, deception, seeking benefits from communication - or built on the experience of others.
“We cannot perceive a person as a friend if we think that he can harm us,” Zarudnaya said. “Betrayal in the past can lead to avoidance of friendship in the future.”
Some girls, in principle, see all representatives of their gender exclusively as rivals.
“A competitive environment really exists,” the expert confirmed. “But the fact that every person sincerely desires happiness for himself does not mean that he is ready to harm others, especially relatives or friends.”
All such stories are based on a colossal generalization and error of perception, when in the female mind a single unsuccessful example receives the status of a pattern. Especially if this happened to her personally or to an important and significant person for her.
Common formulations do not help the situation, for example, “There is no such thing as female friendship,” “All your friends are jealous of you,” “All women are homewreckers.” These attitudes have been hammered into the minds of girls for centuries.
“Stories of selfish friendship, even before receiving a negative experience, can force a girl to behave much more carefully, taking a closer look at the motives and actions of her friends,” states the psychologist.
And there is always an option when a woman, due to her interests and hobbies, does not find support and understanding from other ladies. The peculiarities of her upbringing, the habit of being in male society, or simply a passion for automobile and sports topics make it important for her to communicate with men, and she eventually excludes women from her list of friends. And that's okay too.
Previously, 5-tv.ru wrote how to choose the right girlfriends based on their zodiac sign.
