Reasons for lack of privacy and their elimination
There are many reasons why a person is unlucky in his personal life. This depends on many factors, such as character traits and external circumstances.
Psychologists say that you can improve your personal life without their help. A person needs to understand himself, understand his true desires and try to get rid of everything that interferes with achieving his goal.
Infancy
This reason is one of the most common. An adult is not to blame for his infantility, since it is the result of his upbringing. Since childhood, the child has not been taught to communicate with peers of the opposite sex. Parents believed that such friendships would affect academic performance or other achievements (sports, arts). The girls' parents carefully protected their daughter so that she would not have an intimate relationship and give birth to an illegitimate child. The boy was restricted from communicating with girls due to the consequences of early burdensome relationships.
In fact, the good intentions of parents to protect their child from early disappointments are correct. The approach to this problem is wrong. Instead of teaching their children to be selective towards members of the opposite sex and to protect themselves, children were intimidated and a hopeless future was painted for them. In the process of character formation, the child learned a simple truth: it is necessary to stay away from the opposite sex. An adult person does not have basic skills of communication and expression of feelings.
A huge problem has arisen in my personal life, which is very difficult to solve. An adult constantly puts off future acquaintance with his soulmate. He just doesn't know how to behave correctly. If in youth it seemed that everything was still ahead, then in older age the bright blush on the cheeks of an adult looks ridiculous. People prefer to give preference to communication via the Internet, avoiding personal meetings with potential partners.
When raising a child, parents must remember that they are the ones who shape the skills and ideas about the opposite sex. Obedient children, when they become adults, remain little girls and boys. They remember their parents’ prohibitions and the likely threat to their lives. It is necessary to communicate with your children on equal terms, excluding prohibitions. You cannot allow a child to always remember: everyone can do it, but I can’t do it (at least based on the example of parents).
If a person understands the reason for his loneliness, the root of which is in his childhood (the proof is that he is reading this article), then the beginning of eradication has already been made. A reasonable adult who communicates with people at work, watches TV, surfs the Internet, is able to pull himself together and go in search of his loved one. You should not think that in adulthood your lack of experience will become clearly visible to others.
You need to understand that many people, having several marriages or long-term relationships behind them, have not learned how to behave with representatives of the opposite sex. It is recommended to put aside the fear of appearing inexperienced in love affairs and boldly go on a date. It's safe to say that many people are in a similar position and are embarrassed to take the first step. In the modern world of computer technology, this problem is very relevant.
- forget about children's prohibitions;
- feel like an adult;
- visit crowded places more often;
- register on a dating site;
- not be afraid to meet and talk with representatives of the opposite sex;
- when meeting, behave with dignity, do not try to evoke pity;
- do not demonstrate your inexperience;
- do not try to imagine yourself as a seasoned person;
- be natural, even if a little excited.
Self-dislike
There are a certain number of people who underestimate themselves. The reasons lie in the lack of love from parents, unsuccessful studies, lack of attention from the opposite sex and other factors. A person doesn’t love himself so much that he rarely tries to look in the mirror, doesn’t indulge in beautiful outfits, and doesn’t strive to achieve success in his work. He is sure that there is no happiness for him in life, since all the best should belong to other people. This condition is equivalent to depression, since it only gets worse over time.
Many people can think of someone who feels this way about themselves. When asked to go somewhere or do something, he replies: “Who needs me”, “How much do I need”, “This is not for me”, etc. The person is so confident in his uselessness that he doesn’t even try nothing to change for the better. He is sure that it is impossible to love such people, because he is not able to soberly look at the world with an objective look. Everything he sees in other people seems better to him. He doesn't envy, he just sighs resignedly.
It is necessary to realize a simple truth: it is impossible to wait for the love of other people if there is no love for yourself. This rule is laid down at the energy level. Love implies the presence of positive emotions that people exchange with each other. Everyone dreams of finding a partner who can improve their life. And if a person is constantly dissatisfied with himself, he contains negative energy. No one wants to plunge into constant depression.
In order to instill confidence in your chosen one, additional strength will be required. You should answer the question of who would agree to spend their precious energy on increasing the self-esteem of a person they barely know. The conclusion suggests itself: in order to receive something, you must give something. The most basic thing that should be offered in return for a good relationship is a positive attitude and a cheerful mood. There are many examples of people who are not very attractive on the outside exuding incredible inner beauty.
Success in one of the above points will lead to increased self-esteem. If you combine several positions, there is simply not enough time to engage in self-criticism. Psychologists recommend that you definitely use this recommendation. They provide a 100% guarantee of success. A committed and changed person cannot feel the same about himself because some work has been done.
Fear of new relationships
This is a fairly common reason why people don't want to start new relationships. Lack of experience in family life, when the relationship broke down even before the wedding, or a difficult divorce can be a reason for fear of starting over. A person dwells on the fact that he is unlucky in his personal life. Fear of disappointment in love blocks the opportunity to consider the situation from the other side. It seems that all people are the same, and there is no guarantee that the next relationship will not be worse than the previous one.
It is necessary to approach the problem philosophically. A small child is just starting to walk. After all, he cannot immediately begin to walk with a confident step, jump, run, turn in different directions. Even with the most careful supervision, the child manages to fall several times. Some people hurt their knees and foreheads until they learn to feel the ground well under their feet. No adult is even going to dramatize the situation, because they understand that this is a natural process of learning and experience.
The next relationship should be started using the same principle. If fear is constantly present, you should analyze the situation. First of all, you need to get rid of old things and memories of the past. This page has already been turned. Further reflection will include an assessment of possible risks. Surely mistakes were made during previous relationships, it is worth analyzing them. You can even write a story about your previous life, describing all the events one by one. A look from the author's side will allow you to look at yourself as the hero of the story.
The ending of the story should be done the way you want. Perhaps this scenario will repeat itself in life. New relationships should be treated as the next, but not the last, stage. No matter what age a person is, history offers many examples when age did not become an obstacle to the most passionate relationships. If love is mutual and lasts until the end of life, the maximum result has been achieved. If the relationship does not become harmonious, it’s okay, there will be another one.
After all, after the previous breakup, the strength to live on was found, and there will be strength now. The bonus will be to relive the wonderful sensations again, and this is worth a lot. Life without love is boring and monotonous, but the state of falling in love prolongs youth and returns a person a little to childhood.
Reluctance to enter into a new relationship
The person is unlucky in his personal life. He has a home, a job, good friends, but there is no one person who will always be nearby. The situation is completely opposite when a person has neither a job, nor a home, nor good friends. It turns out that he has nothing and no one. This is a very difficult situation, but it has a reasonable solution. It is worth evaluating your current life. Perhaps, having everything he needs, a person does not need a serious relationship. They imply obligations to a partner, restrictions on freedom and other specific aspects of living together.
In order to solve this issue, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. People love to compare their lives and those of others and complain that someone else is luckier. It is recommended that you answer the questions honestly by dividing a piece of paper in half. On one half, write down what advantages your current life has and what disadvantages there are. Compare the number and significance of each item. Depending on the results, you will be able to understand for yourself how burdensome your current life is and whether it is worth changing.
If there are fewer benefits, you need to write down the desired changes and think about how to correct this situation. If there are more benefits, the conclusion becomes obvious: the person does not want to change his status. Stereotypes tell him that he needs to have a couple, but he is not ready for it. Perhaps this will be a revelation for him. Sometimes people arrange their personal lives to appear happy in the eyes of others, while forgetting about themselves.
Self-hypnosis
In the practice of psychologists, there are cases when a person comes for help, but is not ready to accept it. He complains about the lack of personal life, about melancholy and loneliness and other related problems. Every recommendation from a specialist is not perceived by a person. He begins to prove that he will not succeed, he has already been there, this advice does not make sense, he is not ready for this yet. In other words, a person comes with a question to which he himself knows the answer. He is not ready for experiments, convincing himself that all enterprises are futile.
A constant swarm of negative thoughts in your head leads to loneliness. A person generates destructive energy and programs himself to lose. He obviously knows that nothing good will come from this acquaintance. Sometimes this conclusion is made by people who have no negative relationship experiences. It is worth emphasizing that a positive result will come only when a person is determined to succeed. To do this, you need to work on yourself and your thoughts.
Get rid of negative statements, and under no circumstances voice the obviously negative results of changes in your life. Only confidence in success will help you get rid of failures and find your chosen one.
Why are men unlucky in their personal lives?
Many smart, beautiful, worthy representatives of the stronger sex complain about failures in personal relationships. Where does such self-doubt come from when there are no prerequisites for such conclusions?
Experienced psychologists offer answers to possible causes of disappointment in love.
Failed previous relationships
Men who have experienced disappointment in love (a girlfriend left them, a wife left for another, etc.) consider themselves losers. Guys tend to dramatize the situation because this fact lowers their self-esteem. It is not so important at what age the breakup occurred (although the older you are, the worse), it provokes multiple complexes. A man withdraws into himself, begins to avoid women and does not want to change anything in his life. It seems to him that all the best has already happened, it is impossible to find new love, and the pain can be repeated with renewed vigor.
Representatives of the stronger sex should not be afraid of new relationships. A huge number of men remarry, which becomes even happier than the previous one. Children appear in new relationships, and old pain practically disappears without a trace. This is especially true for people who did not initiate the breakup. They should boldly go on a quest, since millions of women will be able to appreciate their loyalty and devotion. Men who have broken their marriage ties themselves should not be afraid.
Every person has the right to make mistakes, and women are different. Perhaps the previous relationship was just a preparation for a new happy life. It is not always that two people created for each other meet the first time. Sometimes this is preceded by a long winding road.
Women are only interested in material values
This dubious argument has no basis. Sometimes such a conclusion is preceded by a bad experience. The guy suffered material losses and spent a lot of time on an unworthy girl who could not appreciate his love. The situation could develop in two ways: either she constantly demanded gifts, or he himself tried to buy her attention in this way. The philosophy of men is that some representatives try to reduce all their failures to a material denominator.
There may have been other reasons for the separation, but the guy attributed this to the fact that the girl did not have enough of his material investments. Mercantile people also occur in life, but their number is incomparably small compared to women who want to build a serious relationship.
Men are advised not to try to give expensive gifts to girls right away. This behavior is regarded as a desire to seem like a wealthy person in whose life money plays the last role. Women believe that a guy has so much of it that he is ready to spend it every day. By falling under the tutelage of such a groom, the chosen one solves all her financial problems. When the number of gifts is limited, a woman perceives this as sudden greed towards her. Therefore, the guys are partly to blame for their disappointments.
Of course, you need to spend money on your girlfriend. But you should do this in moderation, according to the occasion and according to your capabilities. This will prevent the possibility of resentment on the one hand and disappointment on the other. Lovers rarely pay attention to the material side, since love has a spiritual basis.
Male failure
There is a category of men who have never enjoyed particular interest among women. They have not had time to gain enough experience in intimate life and feel insecure. Another category includes representatives of the stronger sex who have had many sexual partners. But one or more cases were unsuccessful. The man doubted his capabilities and began to avoid women. Often this situation arises due to age, when sexual function becomes weaker.
Men experience such moments especially acutely, because they are unsure of their abilities after meeting their new chosen one. They are afraid to enter into relationships in which they are likely to experience feelings of shame and humiliation. Some women are also capable of behaving inappropriately, allowing themselves sarcastic and caustic remarks.
This circumstance should not become an obstacle to the search for love. Men are advised to find a partner who is age appropriate. An intelligent adult woman will never allow herself to say unpleasant words to her beloved man. She understands that natural physiological changes occur with age. Temporary problems will not affect the relationship of lovers in any way. Young guys also shouldn’t be afraid of beautiful girls. They crave love just as much as guys. A reasonable solution would be to carefully look at the behavior of your companion.
If she allows herself vulgar language and behaves provocatively, it is better not to deal with her. A modest, smart and well-mannered girl will give additional strength and help increase a guy’s self-esteem.
Fear of intimacy
What is fear of intimacy? This is the fear of being hurt in some way in a close relationship. For example, I will open up, trust him, and he will ridicule me and trample my world. I will let him into my life, and he will commit some kind of meanness.
He will see me as I am: in everyday life, in ordinary life, without makeup, without hairstyle, naked, with my interests, beliefs, habits, character, and he will reject me.
For this reason, I cannot let him get close and must “just in case” be on the safe side - put up barriers. Don’t be too open, honest, don’t show your real feelings, don’t show your love and tenderness, pretend to be some other woman. In short, don’t meet him at any cost.
But I want love and affection. And the situation turns out - I will be careful, I will not let him get close, let him come on his own...
And then we pretend that we don’t need it, we pretend to be proud, independent, independent... And life turns out, as in that joke:
- Girl, are you married?
- Yes, I don’t want to.
- What, they take it?
- Oh, if only they took...
One of the side effects of fear of intimacy is the “he has to be” attitude. He must be handsome, smart, earning money, athletic, cool, etc.
What do they lead to? First of all, by creating such beliefs, we sharply limit our opportunity to meet exactly the person who really suits us and can make us happy. For example, girls who only look at men with income level N often lose sight of decent, kind, hardworking, promising guys. Or fame and external data. And not so famous men pass by, but much more comfortable and pleasant to live with. We all remember the plot of the film “Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears” - it talks about exactly this. It would seem that the times are different, but the stories are still the same.
Why are women unlucky in love?
Some women place excessive demands on a potential groom. If a man does not live up to expectations, the girl becomes disappointed and draws certain conclusions.
An unsuccessful search for the ideal man leads to the realization of one’s unluckiness. The girl suffers alone and blames her fate and the entire stronger sex for this.
Waiting for a rich groom
Many ladies who want to start a serious relationship see only a wealthy, successful man in their chosen one. This is a very common misconception when a woman hopes to solve all her material problems through marriage. In her mind, a guy should have a well-paid job, high status and limitless opportunities. We can agree that no one needs slackers. You should evaluate your partner’s potential objectively, taking into account your position.
If a young girl is looking for a guy of the appropriate age, she needs to understand that he will not be so wealthy. He may not have an apartment or a car, his salary is not so high that he cannot deny himself anything. All material benefits come with age. If there is potential and desire to earn money, a man will definitely become wealthy.
An older woman should not expect to find herself in a fairy tale. When men divorce, they leave part or all of their savings to their wife and children; older people are not so willing to be hired. Many factors provoke the fact that representatives of the stronger sex may experience some material problems. This should be taken into account and based on real facts. If you want to start a family, both partners need to try to contribute to its financial support. Otherwise, the girl will end up eternally waiting for a fairy-tale prince.
Imprint of a former relationship
Disappointment in past relationships should not prevent you from building new ones. Women are very sensitive in this matter. Nature has decreed that the weaker sex is constantly waiting to be chosen. Girls give their youth to guys who don't want to get married. Older women are left alone because their husbands leave for the young and beautiful. There are many different reasons for giving up, and the next relationship becoming more frightening than alluring. No one is immune from the following mistake, but the attempt to lose loneliness is worth taking advantage of.
Previous experience made the woman stronger and wiser. When approaching a new choice, it is worth drawing conclusions and not making past mistakes. To do this, it is recommended to minimize the risks of being deceived. If the girl was not invited to marry, there is no need to rush to create a civil marriage and again live for years waiting for official registration. It is necessary to solve all problems at the initial stages of a relationship, when a man perceives a woman as a bride, and not just a free housekeeper and sex partner.
If a woman has already been married, you can build the relationship in such a way that it is convenient for her. This applies to both the material and spiritual interests of both partners. If you approach your personal life wisely, there is a huge chance of creating a wonderful union of two loving hearts. There are many lonely, worthy men in the world who are waiting for the warmth and affection of a good, kind woman.
Fear of intimacy
Women who consider themselves unlucky in their personal lives and remain single for a long time are afraid of intimacy. This word implies intimate, physical and spiritual intimacy. A representative of the fairer sex is not ready to completely open her soul to a man. She is afraid of ridicule, betrayal, and is afraid of being misunderstood. Her constant ideal appearance of an elegant, combed, made-up lady does not imply taking off her mask and becoming a natural homely woman. Intimate moments frighten girls, as doubts arise about their experience and liberation.
These are absolutely logical fears of all women with self-esteem. An intelligent lady is accustomed to being a model in all respects, but with a man you have to free yourself from this image. All of the above fears are exaggerated. These imaginary barriers become invisible if there are real feelings. You can tell a man about your family, ask for help (they like to feel like protectors), and learn about his life. It is worth doing this naturally, unobtrusively and in doses, without revealing your main secrets.
A change of elegant clothes and a lack of makeup will only cause tenderness in a loving man, since they are more attracted to natural beauty. Intimacy will definitely be pleasant. People in love are able to give each other pleasure without even focusing on this process. The only recommendation is: boldly go towards your happiness, since only a woman’s strong desire can make her loved and desired.
Inattention to the wishes of another.
What does our future partner want from us? This is an important question. It seems to me that women who know how to answer it correctly inevitably become happy in their personal lives.
Why? Because often we think we know the answer to this question, but we are wrong. These answers are just fantasies with little connection to reality. They are formed from peeped, other people's recipes and rules. “For a man to love, you need to be sexy. Or proud. Or unapproachable. Or a super hostess. Or…” At the same time, according to the law of meanness, the men a woman encounters in life want something different every time.
But we don’t ask men, we don’t observe them, their habits, we don’t clarify: “Do you feel so good? Does it suit you?".
Why? Yes, because we don’t ask this of ourselves either. Because a woman who is looking for a recipe - what you need to be in order to hook and hold a man and fervently follows this recipe, betrays and abandons herself every time. This means that she does not ask herself, and even less so: “Is this good for me? Do I like this? Does this satisfy me?
Consequently, he cannot be interested in someone else's world. “I’m adapting...” And a foreign world always has its own nuances. And needs. And they don't always match the patterns. I think it is for this reason that women who know how to love themselves, pamper themselves, take care of themselves, often turn out to be happy in their personal lives. Not because they are so selfish. But because the skill of “listening to yourself and your needs” means “I can listen to others and understand their needs.” For the simple reason that basic human needs are love, mutual support, intimacy and acceptance.
They will object to me that there are people who only listen to themselves and think only about themselves. But are they happy? As a rule, such an attitude means “narcissistic personality disorder,” when a person works for an image, for achievement, and not for intimacy, warmth and acceptance. And just as he hates some of his traits (and hides them from himself and others) and extols others, he hates and extols these same traits in other people. And this is a completely different story.
