As a personality trait, shyness is expressed by a tendency to avoid other people. Shy people also suffer from discomfort and mental tension in social situations. They have difficulty making eye contact with others, look away when speaking, speak too quietly, and show little interest or animation during conversations. Is it true that you:
•Do you have difficulty talking to strangers?
•Do you feel insecure when communicating with people?
•Do you feel uncomfortable in social situations?
•Do you feel nervous when interacting with people who are not your close friends?
If all of this is true, then you are among the half of college students who consider themselves shy. Moderate shyness can be nothing more than an annoying hindrance. However, extreme shyness is often associated with depression, loneliness, fearfulness, social anxiety, and low self-esteem.
What are the causes of shyness?
First of all, shy people often lack social skills (experience interacting with others). Many of them simply haven't learned how to treat people or how to start and continue a conversation. Social anxiety is another factor in shyness. Almost everyone is familiar with the feeling of nervousness that occurs in certain social situations (such as meeting an attractive stranger). This feeling is usually a reaction to the fear of not being up to par, being embarrassed, being ridiculed or rejected. Although fear of rejection is common, it occurs more frequently and is more intense in shy people.
Another problem for shy people is the perception of inadequacy. This distorted thinking of shy people is especially pronounced in the tendency to almost always blame themselves for failures in social interaction.
Shyness
Shyness - painful scrupulousness about impressing others, concern about discovering a shortcoming, fear of public speaking, embarrassment when making acquaintances, horror of authorities.
Being shy and self-conscious, shy people spend most of their lives avoiding situations that threaten them with the spotlight.
How is it that in our time society’s attitude towards shyness has radically changed? Why was it that they used to condemn “upstarts”, but now it’s not fashionable to be shy?
Moral principles have historically been developed in relation to the powers that be. The whole idea of modesty implied constraint on the part of the subordinates and the poor towards their rich masters. These stereotypes remain popular today. What kind of president loves an upstart? What kind of authoritarian boss seeks out a Narcissist as his top assistant?
And at the same time, the entire value system is changing. We live in an age of cataclysm, rapid and rapid change, especially in the field of technology. Every month and even more often there is a total revolution in electronics, and what in the modern world is not connected to computers? The world of business and sales is so aggressive that only a few succeed in it. The vast majority of even those who risk taking this path are subject to constant stress and the risk of bankruptcy.
This is where the need for mobile people, who can not only survive, but can easily navigate the fast-paced dynamics of the modern world of business and science, comes from. Shy people will not be able to survive in such a world, and will be thrown back by the storm of change onto the rocks of failure, on which splashes will flow down to the bottom of the stormy and cold ocean of cruel life.
Consequences of shyness:
- prevents you from making new acquaintances and friends;
- does not allow creating situations of new experience in social terms;
- fuels and intensifies fear of authority and members of the opposite sex;
- due to hypertrophied fixation on their feelings and behavior, shy people do not allow themselves to behave adequately and think clearly;
- Ultimately, all of the above and much more that can be added creates a stressful state and inevitably leads to depression.
Therefore, there is such an urgent need and shortage in the field of education, coaching, practical and clinical psychology - how to educate people who are open, mobile, spontaneous and able to quickly navigate and adapt to the modern rhythm and dynamics and who are likely to succeed.
At the same time, shy people are destined for a more modest fate as subordinates and, as a rule, faceless performers who have doomed themselves to, to put it mildly, a difficult lifelong imprisonment in reinforced concrete sarcophagi of shame. There they will again and again experience the horrors of attacks of rapid heartbeat, suffocation, increased sweating, turning into something like a shower of boiling water.
I want to make a reservation - all of this sounds like an unfair generalization, and any generalization is a deliberate lie! This is the same generalization as the fact that Coca-Cola drinkers, smokers, gluttons, alcoholics and drug addicts, residents of large cities, living in constant stress, die sick even earlier. After all, there are always exceptions - it’s worth remembering! But there are only a few exceptions, and the rest is a pattern of false generalizations! And therefore, I will not refuse what I just expressed regarding shy people.
This doesn't mean that shy people are any worse than upstarts! It may even be the other way around! They are no less talented and are not limited in their civil rights. But, most likely, they will not rush to defend these rights, and indeed will not make any effort to show their attitude to anything, thus limiting themselves in the rights to life.
Shy people are easier to get along with and negotiate. Even if they disagree, at best they will voice their objections telepathically. But it is known that only a few were able to train their psychic talents. For the rest of the working people, these abilities remained in the realm of esotericism.
Reasons for Shyness
Clinical personality researchers believe that shyness is heritable, just like a person's intelligence or height. They argue that shy people are born with a more excitable nervous system, which makes them more likely to avoid threats and conflict, and that this is resistant to change. According to this “optimistic” theory, those born shy are doomed for life.
Behaviorists sound less doomed, especially after the fatalism of personality theorists, according to which shy people are born only to become failures. Behaviorists, who focus on behavior as the body's total response to environmental stimuli, believe that shy people simply have not mastered the skills of effective communication. According to them, we adopt actions that are rewarded, and abstain from those that are punished and blamed. If shyness is a consequence of learning certain rules for communicating with other people, then you can unlearn it, just like any habit or phobia. Teaching the basics of communication to introverted people can be rewarding by building their self-confidence.
Psychoanalysts can explain everything, but they do not prove anything. They see shyness as just an external symptom of an internal unconscious repressed conflict. In these terms, shyness is regarded as a symptom and represents a reaction to unmet primary needs of the subconscious. Among these needs is the Oedipal passion of the child, insisting on the boundless love of the mother, neglecting all competitors, and first of all the father.
Sociologists and child psychologists argue that shyness must be understood in terms of the social attitudes of the environment in which we grew up.
Social psychologists say that shyness begins with a label: “I am shy because I consider myself so and because others consider me so.”
Expressive therapists believe that the solution to problems lies in the patient's self-expression and self-disclosure, and therefore work through shyness through expressive creative means such as games, dance, music, singing, drama, drawing, sculpting.
Gestalt therapists recommend that instead of fighting shyness, we strengthen it, experiment and enter into “loving contact” with it. By their definition, shyness is a process of self-interruption and resistance to spontaneity. And resistance is energy that it is stupid to resist. It is better to use it for the benefit of yourself and all humanity.
Just as it is impossible to give one comprehensive definition of shyness, it is impossible to give one answer to the question “Why are we shy?”
Shyness manifests itself differently across genders. Until now, in countries of former totalitarianism, shyness in girls is encouraged, and in boys it is condemned. This trend is even stronger in Muslim countries.
If we believe that girls should be modest, maintaining their virginity until marriage, and boys are allowed everything, then it is understandable why shyness in boys is condemned and interpreted as a negative phenomenon, while in girls it is sometimes considered a virtue.
Beliefs and myths that increase shyness:
Against the background of already existing shyness, the following suggestions strengthen it:
- A girl should strive to become a good housewife.
- The young man must obtain a good specialty in order to become the breadwinner of the family.
- A girl must agree with her husband and submit to his will.
- The young man must be aggressive. It is obscene to hit a lady, but if she crosses the boundaries of what is permitted, you can hit her once or twice in the face.
- A girl should be diligent and neat.
- A young man must know how to drink, otherwise, what kind of guy is he?
- Drink it, it helps you relax!
The percentage of the adult population in Russia, starting from 12 years old and even earlier, constantly drinking alcoholic beverages is terrifying. Alcohol is easy to get used to and difficult to wean off. There are many reasons. Alcohol lifts the mood, brings pleasure and helps ventilate emotions that have accumulated over the years and are not expressed. But in Russia, especially in the outback, the social environment and upbringing are not conducive to emotional openness.
In the stressful state in which the majority of the Russian population finds itself, it is important to “let off emotional steam,” which alcoholic drinks allow you to do easily and relatively cheaply. Clinical psychology is not yet practiced by the masses, and only a select few can afford such luxury. Even worse, the overwhelming majority of those who call themselves psychotherapists and psychoanalysts have a parallel relationship with these sciences. So the picture is not the most optimistic, and thanks to this, alcoholism is winning.
Shy people use alcohol to try to overcome the feeling of outsiders in society and become part of the social group. They are afraid of being rejected, and in order to relax, they drown their shyness with alcoholic drinks.
Adolescents, adapting to social pressure from their peers, strive to merge with the group of their age, and are afraid of being noticed, unusual, and individual. Alcohol helps relieve fears, breaking down social barriers. A sober alcoholic feels like he is in a cage. Alcohol gives him a break from himself, frees him from the internal censor. That's why the desire to drink is so irresistible.
In a world where a person cannot manifest himself, reveal himself, free himself from the dullness of everyday life, alcoholism is not a social tool. This is a means of subsistence. F. Zimbardo.
Shyness and sex
The vast majority of shy people are afraid of people of the opposite sex! When the topic of sex is even indirectly touched upon, shyness receives another boost of energy. And this is understandable: sexual interaction is paradoxical. There are no exact guidelines for how to behave. Both partners are exposed naked without the usual external protection; the basic necessary skills are usually absent, because there was no opportunity for practice. Because of this, most people's idea of sex was based on cheap novels, comic books, Hollywood films, pornographic postcards, soap operas and Playboy magazine.
Shy people are most afraid of interpersonal contacts that involve sexual intimacy. Women often ask themselves the question: “Will he feel good with me? Does he like me? For a man, the main question is: “Will I have an erection? Is my penis big enough? A negative answer gives rise to more and more new fears. A high level of demand usually leads to failure.
The desire for satisfaction destroys spontaneous joy. When our sexual nature is satisfied with a series of appropriate physical movements rather than with all-encompassing feelings and reactions, we lose.
Some cases reveal another side of the problem that shy people have during sexual intercourse. Some of them, both men and women, remain virgins. Usually this is a deep secret for them and a sign of failure. In their homes, sex was usually a taboo topic. They had never seen their mother and father naked. They did not witness their parents discuss their sexual relationships. Such boys may be bothered by ejaculation, and they do not masturbate until they are 20 or more years old.
Here are some examples of how the lives of shy participants who underwent my trainings changed, during which they liberated themselves.
Margarita.
The first thing that comes to mind is “emancipation”. I can't say that I had any particular problems. I was quite successful. But I came here tense and shy. I felt lighter, somehow freer and more comfortable. And people reached out to me. I come to work and everyone immediately turns to me, some with what. I feel like they are attracted to something about me. And in general, I live every day with pleasure!
Lina.
It was hard for me - some useless notions on which I built whole towers of fantasies, and all because of the constant fear of communicating with men. After several seminars, my life completely changed. I met a man here. Built like Apollo - I used to be afraid to look at those! During the liberation exercise, I myself approached him and said that I liked him...
Scary! I chose the riskiest place near the window, deliberately facing the light. It seems that my makeup was smeared then. In general, I created a zone of maximum discomfort for myself and called him. He came up. While we were drinking coffee, I confessed to him that I liked him. And she ran away. I have reached my end. I almost died at first, and then suddenly I felt emptiness, freedom and extraordinary lightness inside. I ran away with a feeling of accomplishment, like a winner.
Imagine my surprise when, during the next break, he himself came up to me! We talked about some trifles. I decided that I would be conquered, but this did not happen, and we just chatted. He turned out to be even shyer than me, but asked me for my mobile phone number. He also came to liberate himself. We started communicating. Since then, it’s been eight months since we’ve been communicating.
Our relationship is not like what was in my life before. They are open, trusting, I am always interested in being with this person. And I keep waiting for this to end, but it continues...
Honestly, I'm delighted with this! And this is the result of my merits!
(They got married in the summer of 2005. Note by M.Kh.).
Ildar.
I was “shaking” almost the entire seminar, I was sweating, it was difficult for me to communicate with people, I wanted, as usual in such situations, to fall through the ground and escape. Terrible aggression was coming out. But I went to the training, realizing that I had to overcome this damn shyness, and this helped me stay until, finally, some force pushed me out of this state. There was a feeling of an explosion inside, and after that there was an emptiness that brought me peace. I became less aggressive, more sociable. Thanks to the fact that I opened up and began to share my feelings, my life became richer, I made more friends. A month ago I met a charming girl - I approached her at my cousin’s wedding, and we already decided to get married. (They have been dating for more than a year, but so far he has not decided to get married - he keeps putting it off. Note by M. Kh.).
Masha says.
My first training “SPONTANITY” was in November last year. So I've been doing it for a year now. But only now was I able to understand my thoughts. More precisely, I learned to be aware of my mental flows and control my fixation. Previously, some thought will come into your head and spin, and spin, spin. I was incredibly tired.
Once a year I got drunk, and thus pushed aside my excessive shyness, which caused constant fatigue. For a long time I thought that I was an alcoholic. Something happened during the training. Perhaps unobtrusive communication with a large number of training participants in pairs and small subgroups, which is not as scary as in front of a large number of people. I have never performed in front of a large audience, even though there was such an opportunity - for me it is worse than death. As a result, I no longer worry all the time about what they will say or think about me. I brought some order to my thoughts, and such peace has arrived! My constant anxiety went away and I stopped drinking.
This made my face smoother, the tension in my spine and muscle spasms went away. The excess weight disappeared on its own, and my gait became easier. In short, I look at least ten years younger. At least that's what all my friends think.
In business, as in other areas of my life, a period of clarity and transparency has begun. Now I see opportunities for developing my business that never even occurred to me before.
I'm thinking about getting married again. Previously, I always chose strong, confident men. But this is only to hide their weaknesses and hide behind their backs, burning with shyness. Now I don't need it anymore. Now I want a normal warm relationship, I want love and reciprocity.
Maksim.
I was convinced that I shouldn’t talk about feelings at all. I couldn’t confess my love, I couldn’t even say to the person closest to me: “I love you.” And the closer a person is, the more difficult it is for me. The hardest thing was to tell my mother.
Now I started talking about love with children, they have amazing reactions. Especially the youngest daughter - she clung to it so much, she blossoms so much... I was able to open my feelings, and I realized that thinking about love and understanding something about love is not enough - you need to share it with everyone: with your mother, with your children, with the saleswoman in the store, with male friends... I realized that love does not differ by gender - you can love everyone. This is cool!
My friend and I were on the verge of breaking up, because I was like a statue, like a sealed can of canned food. But now I openly tell her what I like or don't like. And now I'm ready to get married. I see that our relationship is an interesting creative process that can last a lifetime.
Now I make ten times more money from my real estate because I finally opened my mouth.
Sasha.
I can’t say that outwardly my life has somehow changed dramatically. All the results of the training are inside me. But my inner state is gradually changing, and now it is somehow a little childish - I am learning to spontaneously be in this world.
Now everything has become changeable, interesting. It feels like I have been freed from a big burden, and this brings pleasure, sometimes real ecstasy! True, every now and then I slip into my usual dull fixation. That's why I continue to study.
In parting, I would like to give a well-known quote to support everyone who is shy: “Better a terrible end than endless horrors.”
Shyness and birth order
A study conducted by University of California researchers showed that girls are more shy than boys. If girls are the first children in the family, then they are more shy than girls who are younger children. In first-born boys, greater shyness compared to younger brothers was noted only up to the age of 7; in subsequent years, the connection between shyness and birth order was not observed, and by the age of 14, shyness in boys disappeared. The study involved 252 children, and their development was monitored from birth (1928) to adulthood[4].
Internet and new information technologies as a cause of shyness
The widespread, extensive and frequent use of the fruits of high technology leads to the fact that people see and communicate in person less and less. It is much easier to send an SMS or e-mail than to even make a call. Psychologists and scientists claim that listening to portable digital players, SMS, email, MMS, social networks have become the cause of an epidemic of shyness.
Psychologist and science commentator at Harvard Business School Robin Abrahams says it's all to do with technology and the Internet. In the past, only 40% of respondents complained that they felt shy and awkward in communication and social situations. And now this figure has increased to 60%. This especially affected Japan, and least of all Israel.
Human psychology is built on certain postulates. For example, the less we do something, the less we want it, the easier the method or type of something, the faster we get used to it, but in the future it is more difficult to return to the previous difficult thing than usual. Society is changing and developing so rapidly that it becomes more and more difficult to navigate every day. Technology gives us the ability to cut out unnecessary meetings and avoid difficult interpersonal situations, and people are becoming increasingly detached.
Origin of the word
shy " has been written in English.
) meant "easily startled", derived from Old English scēoh and was originally applied only to horses. The word began to be applied to people only at the beginning of the 17th century[3].
In Russian, the word “shy” is derived from the verb “zastit” and is interpreted by V. I. Dahl’s dictionary as “a hunter to be shy, not to show himself; uninhibited, timid; timid and overly conscientious or bashful; unaccustomed to people, timid and silent.”
