How to get rid of social phobia?
In the last article we talked about the causes of social phobia and other processes with which it is associated. Now we’ll talk about the measures that you yourself can take to get rid of social phobia.
As a rule, it is possible to completely cope with it already in psychotherapy, but helping yourself to take steps towards a more comfortable response in situations of fear of society that are acute for you is quite possible.
Rethinking our worries
Sometimes social phobia manifests itself as extreme anxiety in anticipation of an upcoming social event. That is, we begin to worry as soon as we learn about it (say, we receive an invitation to a party or a work assignment that entails speaking in front of an audience). We try to get into other people's heads, simulating a million different scenarios in which something will go wrong. We may even go so far as to convince ourselves that it will be a disaster and that it cannot be avoided. We can “catastrophize.” We may panic. Or even become numb.
Sometimes we manage to avoid participating, thus experiencing short-term relief, but then we never learn that it is not as terrible as we imagined. If we cannot avoid participating in the event, we have no choice but to endure it, experiencing great stress (or resorting to such “crutches” as drinking or overzealous preparation).
If your anxiety and worry levels are too high, a “cognitive reframing” exercise to change the way you think about those worries can help you overcome social anxiety.
It may be helpful to ask yourself questions like these:
- 1) What is the likelihood that the consequences will be dangerous?
- 2) If this happens, what's the worst case scenario?
- 3) Is there another way to interpret this situation?
- 4) What would we say to a friend in a similar situation?
Another exercise is to gradually and slowly approach those situations that we tend to avoid due to our anxiety. It's called exposure , and it's a very complex process because it involves the very things that make us anxious. Therefore, it is recommended to practice it under the supervision and guidance of a CBT psychotherapist.
Meet Social Phobia
Social phobia is often confused with introversion, sociopathy, and even ordinary laziness, unwillingness to deal with a problem and overcome obstacles. In fact, she has nothing to do with them.
- An introvert is someone who regains his strength by being alone with himself, but he may not have any fear of communication. Many introverts easily enter into business negotiations and communicate with unfamiliar people. That is, introversion has nothing to do with fear of communication.
- A sociopath is prone to antisocial behavior. He disregards social norms, but feels at home in society like a fish in water. He is not afraid of communication. A sociophobe, on the contrary, tries not to disturb social order and is generally afraid of doing something wrong, because of which he will be judged, considered stupid or aggressive.
- Social phobia is an irrational fear, the occurrence of which differs from the occurrence of rational fear. A phobia is a kind of brain memory, which, when an image or situation arises that once traumatized a person, immediately causes a negative reaction. The signal about danger enters the part of the brain designed to respond to it, from memory, in a short way, bypassing the areas where analysis of what is seen or heard occurs. This signal cannot be redirected by willpower alone. The reaction of a social phobe to a communication situation is lightning fast and he is unable to control it.
Social phobia is not laziness, not a person’s reluctance to pull himself together, but an unconscious panic fear, which is very difficult to overcome on your own. This task cannot be solved overnight. A person who wants to enjoy communication as others do, visit shops and cultural institutions without the slightest worry, travel to unfamiliar places, and confidently negotiate, will have to overcome a difficult path. But at every step a new reward awaits him; with every step it will be easier for him to breathe, talk, be himself and not be ashamed of himself. After all, many social phobes are embarrassed to eat in front of others, which makes restaurants closed for them, they are ashamed to visit a public toilet, which creates significant discomfort for them, they do not dare to ask directions from a stranger, clarify the task with the boss, make a preliminary call before visiting a government institution, which It could end up costing them dearly. Social phobia significantly reduces the quality of life, the life of a social phobia is absolute hell, but there is a way out of it.
Social phobes consider themselves “worthless” people, unworthy of love and respect. Their own thoughts seem stupid to them, their achievements seem insignificant. Therefore, they never talk about their merits, feel panic when they find themselves in the center of attention, do not express their own conclusions and prefer to remain silent. They don't notice signs that people are treating them well and don't even believe it when others point it out. But they notice the smallest signs of a negative attitude, often even seeing them where they are not there. They constantly feel that they are behaving ridiculously, causing ridicule and resentment. This prevents them from expressing themselves and makes them avoid society.
The dream of a social phobe is to never leave the room and not communicate with anyone, except perhaps with very close people. But in fact, it is precisely this behavior that is strictly contraindicated for him: by avoiding communication, he strengthens his phobia. The fact is that the human brain is designed in such a way that everything that he avoids is labeled as dangerous, and therefore begins to frighten him even more. But there is no danger in communicating with people, and a social phobe does not risk worsening his position in society if he does not avoid it. Yes, no one can guarantee that when trying to communicate, he will not make mistakes. But the same mistakes are made by people who get a thrill from communicating with others. They just know how to laugh at themselves and immediately forget about the unpleasant incident. By the way, other “participants in the incident” forget about him even faster, so there will be no global deterioration in the image due to an inappropriately inserted remark, a bad joke or other embarrassment.
Now you know your enemy by sight. We are confident that this will help defeat him. In addition, you can easily develop methods and tactics for overcoming social phobia on your own, based on the recommendations given below.
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Making space for your worries
Some people suffering from social phobia experience extreme anxiety at the most critical moment of a certain situation. This often manifests itself physically: we may sweat, shake or blush, or mentally: we stammer, don't know what to say, or quickly agree with other people's opinions, even if they are very different from ours. Then we can easily lose the thread of the conversation, stop understanding other people and feel very anxious.
, mindfulness exercises can be helpful . With their help, we learn to accept our anxiety without trying to fight it or push it out of our minds. One of these exercises is called “cognitive non-fusion” and refers to the so-called acceptance and responsibility therapy. In short, it teaches us to observe and accept negative thoughts without “going along with them.”
Article navigation: “How to get rid of social phobia?”
- Fear of People: How to Use Relaxation
- Social Anxiety: How to Use Nonverbal Cues
- How to get rid of social phobia: working with thoughts
- How to talk to yourself to get rid of social anxiety
- To overcome social anxiety, have fun!
- A paradoxical technique in the treatment of social anxiety
Fear of People: How to Use Relaxation
Social phobia is tension, first of all. Whether you are afraid of public speaking, meeting a new company, taking an exam, or having someone watch your work, you are tense in all these situations.
Fear, anxiety - all this responds in the body with certain muscle tension. Observe yourself: what happens to your body when you imagine this unpleasant situation? Is your head pressed into your shoulders? Or is your back hunched? Or do your hands begin to twitch nervously, trembling and redness occur?
If your social anxiety is largely accompanied by physical symptoms, the same measures as for a panic attack will help you. I also wrote about this in detail in the article “how to get rid of pain.” You will have to master the skills of working with the body, learn to be aware of it in general (for starters), and then gradually learn to control different muscle groups, especially those that are involved in your phobic reaction.
What do you need first of all if your speech/interview/meeting new people/long stay in a public place is tomorrow? Start practicing relaxation the day before.
Do a general relaxation exercise: in your mind’s eye, one by one, “look through” all muscle groups (starting, for example, from the tips of your toes to the very top of your head), try to feel their tension, and then relax as much as possible.
To do this, you can use such imaginative metaphors as, for example, imagining that your muscles are like jelly, or that you are lying on a heated stone and “melting,” or that some magical hands are stroking you, or that your body is immersed in warm water. water. It is important that you are sitting or lying comfortably and not drowsy before going to bed.
The essence of this exercise is to learn to relax while remaining in the active phase of life, in consciousness. Your attention should be active, alert, closely monitoring all manifestations of your body, but the body itself should become relaxed.
It makes sense to practice this skill at least a little before a social situation that is alarming for you. When the crucial moment comes, you will be able to apply this skill before plunging into an unpleasant event for you, and you will enter it less tense, and as a result, there will be fewer emotions of fear and anxiety, as well as negative bodily manifestations.
Social Anxiety: How to Use Nonverbal Cues
In most cases, a person susceptible to social phobia is more often in his own head, in his thoughts, i.e. in an imaginary world. The most common thoughts that haunt a person in a situation of fear of people:
- "they think I'm an idiot"
- “He probably thinks I’m...”
- “What if they laugh at me?”
- "They'll probably think that I..."
- and behind this there is always a fear of rejection and negative evaluation.
We'll talk about thoughts later, but now let's pay attention to how best to return to reality, to the here and now, in order to help ourselves get out of gloomy assumptions and see the world as it is.
Nonverbal contacts can help with this. Nonverbal contacts are the use of facial expressions, postures, gestures, and gaze to establish relationships with others. Let's say you have a performance coming up.
Look around the room before you start. Find several people in your visibility zone who evoke your unaccountable sympathy and disposition. Perhaps they have a kind look, perhaps you associate them with some pleasant characters, etc. And during your speech, try to make eye contact with them.
This way you will achieve two goals: you will not plunge into panic, which is mainly provoked by your own thoughts, you will maintain contact with reality, and at the same time receive feedback from people and notice it.
And since far more people actually react positively to you than you are accustomed to thinking, your idea of universal hostility will gradually dissipate.
If you are haunted by fear of people when you get into a company, try to take an open position. It doesn't mean "fall apart", it doesn't mean "no intersections". Some people find it really comfortable to sit cross-legged or rest their head on their folded hands. The most important thing is not to curl up into a ball, not to hunch, not to wrap your arms around yourself as if the temperature in the room is sub-zero.
Ask yourself: how would you sit/stand in this room if there were no people there? How would you sit in this chair if no one was looking at you? And try to do just that, paying attention, first of all, to your comfort - it’s unlikely that anyone will want to condemn the desire to take a comfortable position.
Learn to communicate with people non-verbally. Do a simple exercise. In that part of the conversation where you can quietly remain silent and watch others, try to feel not WHAT they are saying, but HOW.
Try to attach meaning not to the information contained in their words, but to the tone, gaze, smile or grimace on the face, posture, gestures. I would even say - deliberately ignore the content of a person’s speech, focusing on other signals.
By doing this, you will achieve the fact that, firstly, again, you will find yourself much closer to reality than fantasies about what everyone around you thinks about you, and secondly, you will learn to recognize lies and insincerity well.
After all, a person generally does not control his nonverbal signals. Even if he tries to smile artificially, you will notice a sad or irritated look that contradicts this, clasped white fingers that do not correspond to this, for example, or clenched shoulders and a retracted head. And therefore, in the end, it will be much easier for you to feel how someone really treats you and it will be easier to overcome the fear of people.
