- Why are we even interested in other people's opinions?
- Tips on how to stop depending on other people's opinions
We all sometimes need the advice of others and a look at ourselves from the outside. But sometimes looking at other people’s opinions becomes the main guideline for a person - in behavior, style, choice, decision-making. Ultimately, this takes a person away from his life towards the imposed one and can plunge him into the abyss of anxiety and frustration. After all, sometimes it’s simply impossible to please others.
, and the advice may be the most contradictory and
it is not a fact that it is really useful and necessary
.
If this problem is close to you and the point of view of other people takes up too much space in your life, try our tips on how to stop depending on other people's opinions .
Why are we even interested in other people's opinions?
Dependence on the opinions of others is a rather multifaceted phenomenon. Sometimes this is understood as dependence on the opinions of one or more people
.
Let's say a partner, friends, parents. Another form of dependence on other people’s opinions is an attempt to please everyone around, almost without exception
, and sometimes this is an orientation not even towards specific people, but towards
a certain public opinion
.
In such cases, a person uses the approach “What will people say...”, “What will he/she think of me,” etc. We consider all these forms together, since advice on how to get rid of the habit of looking back at others (no matter how many there are) and the reasons for this phenomenon largely coincide. In general, looking at others is directly related to the fact that man is a social being. In the distant past, life outside society promised death; it was easier to survive in a group. And in any case, life in society obliges all its members to observe certain public and unspoken rules. However, if looking at the opinions of others is normal, then dependence on it can cause a lot of inconvenience
. Often, excessive attention to other people’s opinions is caused by the following reasons:
- distortions in education
. Sometimes parents instill from childhood that the opinion of society / a partner / the parents themselves is extremely important, and it can be very difficult for an adult to go against such attitudes, even if on a conscious level he does not agree with them; - fear
(of loneliness, being rejected, being ridiculed), especially if you have previous negative experience; - self-doubt
, low self-esteem; - fear of taking responsibility for decisions
. Being pronounced, this trait can indicate infantilism; - imposed feeling of guilt;
- inability to love oneself, lack of self-acceptance, disrespect for oneself
; - perfectionism, good girl/boy syndrome.
We discussed many of these problems in previous articles. Knowing the reason is important in order to fight not only the dependence on the opinions of others, but also what causes it - this approach will be the most effective. Remember that problems that are difficult for you to cope with on your own are best worked through with a specialist.
The influence of the environment on a person
Everyone has an environment. It is this that generates 100% of incoming information and constantly influences a person. He makes decisions based on the signals he receives from the environment. We cannot not depend on other people. A friend is someone who selflessly helps me with his influence. And the enemy is the one who harms me.
A person is brought up in total dependence on the people around him. In the first years, survival is ensured by loved ones. Whether he will be fed or not, how will he be treated? Animals forget who their parents were within a year, and humans spend the first 10 years training to become dependent on their environment.
A person is reactive, constantly attuned to the outside world: hearing, sight, smell. He always wants to be loved and supported. Therefore, we are always dependent on others. But the degree of dependence varies.
Tips on how to stop depending on other people's opinions
Despite the fact that it is better to work on this issue in conjunction with the cause that caused it, we can highlight some universal tips on how to get rid of dependence on the opinions of other people.
Learn to make decisions
Sometimes we listen to other people's opinions because we don't want/can't make a decision ourselves. However, the opinions of others on a particular issue can be completely different, and most importantly, it is not a fact that they are really useful for you
. Remember that no one knows you better than yourself. Therefore, spend the energy and time to learn how to make decisions on your own.
Use self-hypnosis
More often tell yourself something like “I’m not a piece of gold to please everyone” (I.A. Bunin). Repeat the mantra phrase day after day until this principle becomes part of your worldview
. Some people find it helpful to keep a fig in their pocket or imagine potential interlocutors with a trash can on their head. Or invent your own way to show and prove to yourself that you don’t have to please everyone around you.
Learn to set boundaries and protect them
Similar to the previous point - remember and internally accept that you have the right to your own desires and your own decisions, as well as to your own mistakes and their consequences
. And those around you must take into account your opinion, your desires, your choice. Only you live your life, and only you know it in every detail - even your loved ones probably don’t know everything about you. Therefore, you have the right to do exactly as you see fit. If you remind yourself of this more often, this attitude will also become part of your worldview.
We will return to the issue of border protection in other articles. In the meantime, pay attention to how to say no and resist emotional manipulation
Decide on your goals and what motivates you
Many (but not all) who are dependent on the opinions of others do not live by their own goals, but by imposed ones.
.
If you think that this concerns you too, try to figure out what you want and need, what goals you want to achieve, what is important to you and what you are doing or can do for this. Understanding your own goals can give you motivation to move in the chosen direction,
and such motivation will allow you to act without regard to other people’s opinions.
Some people find it very difficult to understand what they want; it is difficult for them to reject imposed attitudes and focus on what is important to them. This is especially difficult if no one has asked them about it before.
For example, this technique can help: imagine your ideal life and the specific moment in which you would be happiest
. Consider this scene in detail. Where are you? Who is with you? What are you doing? What do you really enjoy doing? What do you have that is missing now?
The answers may reveal your real desires
. For example, girls are often taught that true happiness lies only in children and family. And for some this is certainly true, but not for everyone. If the happiest moment such a girl imagines is how she drinks juice alone in a cafe in another country between couples at the university, perhaps her dreams at the moment have nothing to do with starting a family and motherhood.
Sometimes people need the help of a psychologist to understand what they want and to reject the imposed opinion.
Stop judging yourself through the eyes of others
Very often, dependence on other people’s opinions is expressed by the words “What will they think of me” - colleagues, friends, passers-by whom you see for the first and last time in your life. Stop looking at yourself through their eyes
(you'll never know what they really think anyway) and
focus on yourself
: “Do I like this?
Is this convenient for me? What benefits will this give me? Do I really need this? Every time the question flashes in your head: “What will XXX think?” – with an effort of will, change it to “Is this good for me? Do I
to change anything? This switching may be difficult at first, but with time and practice it will become a habit.
Also, do not evaluate yourself with the attitudes “Everyone does it this way”, “This is how it should be”, “This is how our ancestors did it”
.
This is all completely unimportant, because this is your life and you should live it too. Average social attitudes, and especially examples from history, usually do not contribute to the personal happiness of a particular person if his happiness does not coincide with these attitudes
. And here again we ask for an example with women and motherhood. Society dictates that “a woman is supposed to have children,” but in fact, not everyone’s happiness is associated with this.
Praise yourself
In addition to refusing to evaluate yourself from other people, train yourself not to depend on their praise.
.
However, don’t forget to praise yourself
– both for major achievements and for small things (for example, for washing your plate right after dinner). It is useful before going to bed to remember at least 3 things for which you are grateful to yourself today and for which you can praise yourself. Similar theses can also be written down in a notebook and re-read from time to time.
Let other people think what they want about you
There are situations when we really need to create a favorable impression - for example, an interview. And then it’s worth asking yourself in advance the question “What might they think of me?” However, in most cases in everyday life, it is worth giving people the right to think what they want about you.
For example,
nagging about appearance or some minor issues says more about the person who is nagging than about you
. If a colleague curls his nose with displeasure because your phone is not a new model or your jacket is from last year’s collection. Instead of thinking about new purchases, better think about why a stranger is even interested in this? Adequate people will not comment on other people’s phones, but this is often done by those who project their problems onto others. Why do you care about the problems of people not close to you?
Another example. Let's say your significant other gives you too much advice about your appearance (especially if they are in the nature of an order or an ultimatum). Think about whether you yourself are important here as a person or is your partner more interested in a certain picture? After all, your loved ones can also project their problems onto you, act out for something, etc. It is important to understand which criticism is constructive and which is not, and most importantly, draw conclusions: agree, ignore, try to talk, come to a compromise, or maybe will you understand that this is not your person at all?
Just as other people don't know everything about you, you don't know everything about other people. At the same time, they probably have their own problems, and they evaluate you based on their vision of the world. Remember that happy, satisfied with life, adequate people will not give unsolicited negative opinions, especially on trifles. If someone spreads too much negativity around themselves, they are most likely the one with the problem.
Start being imperfect
Ignoring other people's unsolicited opinions is a good habit. As is the case with other good habits, at first people cultivate it in themselves and timidly try it, and then most “get the taste.” They feel freedom and allow themselves to live the way they want. The most important thing here is to start, take the first steps
. This is the most difficult thing, but it is important to make up your mind and not roll back if something doesn’t go according to plan. Building up your armor against the unsolicited opinions of others is a really useful skill. Try, try, practice as much as possible - and you will succeed!
Exercise 2. Game "Cloud"
This exercise is very useful when you worry too much about what others think: it will remind you that others are just as caught up in their own thoughts as you are.
I'll prove it now. I have given trainings and speeches many times about the fear of public speaking and how to overcome it. And there is nothing worse than events for business contacts. In a room full of specialists, I point to the person sitting farthest from me on the left side and say: “That’s who is the most scared of everyone present right now.” And everyone laughs.
Then I explain: if at a training about speaking in front of an audience you announce that now everyone will try their hand at blitz reports, and you start on the right side, then the person who sits last on the left thinks: “Oh no, my turn will come.” in the end!"
I read somewhere a phrase that we would rather lie in a coffin than give a speech at a funeral, can you imagine?
Essentially, this means that he will not hear anyone speak: for at least half an hour he will worry and think about how to speak. How do I know this? From my own experience! And the audience always laughs, because everyone knows it. And when I ask listeners: “What do you think about when you’re sitting in the audience and not performing on stage?” - they answer me:
- “I’m glad I don’t have to perform”;
- “There’s no way I could have done that”;
- “If they start carrying a microphone around the hall, I will pretend that they are calling me and leave”;
- “My head is a mess because it’s my turn to perform soon.”
Now the same applies to worrying about what others think of you. When you need to express your opinion, but your head is spinning: “Everyone thinks I’m talking nonsense,” “They’re looking at the pimple on my nose,” “They’re probably wondering why they asked me to speak and not so-and-so.” “, - in fact, everyone thinks: “Oh, how good it is that I don’t have to perform on stage!”
The next time you feel that fear, play the Cloud Game. Imagine that each listener has a thought cloud above his head, like in comic books. What will you read there? Sorry if I dispel your fantasies, but everyone thinks about themselves and their problems: you are not important enough to think about you all day! So what will be written in the clouds?
- “I wonder what they’ll serve during the coffee break?”
- “I don’t think I closed the window.”
- “Did I turn off the sound on my phone or did I forget? If it rings now, it will be inconvenient.”
- “It seems like my tights are worn out. How can we discreetly check whether we’re going or not, until we have to get up?”
- “Oh, I think it's Mr. Smith. They say there is a vacancy in his department. I’ll have to go up to him and clarify, just wait until the report is over.”
- “This is how speakers manage to stay so calm and confident on stage? I don’t feel at ease in the hall, it seems like everyone is looking at me.”
