How can you save your family if you are already on the verge of divorce?

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One way or another, every family goes through a series of crises in its development. A couple experiences inevitable difficulties at the very beginning of a relationship, getting used to each other. Both the birth of children and their “flying out of the nest” when the spouses are left alone can be serious trials. Passion that subsides with age, routine and habits, conflicts and different development trajectories in life for husband and wife - all these factors are sparks for crises in the family system. Unfortunately, most couples realize it too late, when the problems have already become deep. And the question is increasingly being asked: how to save a family if it is already on the verge of divorce? Various surveys and the experience of psychologists working with separating couples allow us to identify several of the most common causes of acute crises in the relationship between wife and husband.

Monotony of life

At first, couples have to spend serious efforts to establish a common household and agree on a common style of existence. Frequent conflicts in the first years of living together are precisely caused by the collision of the family boat with everyday life. And, it would seem, having gone through the grinding-in stage, having established a comfortable life and a home that suits both spouses, couples are faced with another problem: the painstakingly created system suddenly turns into a trap of monotony and boredom. Especially when children are still quite small, “Groundhog Day” begins: breakfast - transport - work - kindergarten - shopping - dinner - sleep. In such a vicious circle, passion, sexual desires, deep communication, personal space and individuality of the spouses are lost. And even holidays and vacations increasingly cannot become bright spots on the canvas of married life, since they are devoted to visits to older relatives and caring for children.

The next question is who will be the first “rebel” and want to break out of the trap of boredom, insipidity and everyday issues. Men do this more often. Wives, who realize themselves to a greater extent in the household and children, “suddenly” find out that their partner is ready to run away from this, so cozy, from a woman’s point of view, hearth. And you urgently need to understand how you can save your family from divorce? And most importantly, can this be done if one of the spouses is already ready to leave the “love boat”?

It is no coincidence that well-known psychologists, starting with Garry Chapman, drew the attention of married couples to the fact that not everyone has an established life as the only condition for maintaining satisfactory relationships in the family. People have different love languages, and in the most comfortable and cozy cell of society, a man may sorely lack attention, adventures, changes, and events. Experienced couples who have lived for 50 years or more share that from the very beginning of the relationship they learned to devote time to each other, to go somewhere without children, to leave room for spontaneity, surprises, surprises and the desires of each spouse.

Material difficulties

Mortgages, loans, low income or its disproportion (for example, when one of the spouses is temporarily unable to work), lack of financial literacy, and agreements on spending priorities can split even the most loving couple.

Selfishness and immaturity significantly aggravate conflicts over a joint budget and can lead disagreements to the point where the very preservation of the family is in doubt.

Confused in financial matters, spouses may come to their senses too late, when they must literally urgently look for ways to save the relationship with their loved one, if you are on the verge of breaking up due to money problems and quarrels.

Moreover, financial difficulties are one of the most stressful factors in a man’s life. The endless “sword of Damocles” of an unpaid mortgage, the fear of losing income due to dismissal and illness, a woman’s complaints about insufficient earnings, and even more so her shopaholism and desire to have everything fashionable and better than “Tanya’s and Manya’s” can bring your spouse to depression, nervous tension. And from this it’s one step to binge drinking, alcoholism, or sudden leaving the family.

Of course, jointly acquired property will stop someone from getting a divorce, but this is no longer a reliable foundation for marriage.

Fading Passion

At the beginning of a relationship, many problems are not noticed or are smoothed out due to strong mutual attraction, falling in love, and sexual desires.

But inevitably, with age, the intensity of mutual feelings weakens.

During this time, someone manages to become the closest people, partners, soul mates and acquires completely new (and more reliable) supports for the existence of the family.

Often, a husband and wife may not notice their mutual cooling for a long time and may not make any effort to move to a new level of intimacy. And they come to their senses when betrayal, indifference and neglect of each other become known. A woman may flare up with resentment: “How is it possible, we had such love? Why did everything suddenly change?” And the changes did not happen suddenly, it was just convenient not to notice them, believing that everything was fine and “love will last forever.” But they begin to think about how to get her back only when it is already very difficult to improve relations with her husband on the verge of a crisis in family relations.

Reluctance or inability to have children

Of course, it is advisable to discuss such an important issue for the future of the family in detail even before marriage or entering into a permanent relationship. It is necessary to clearly know the position of each spouse on the desired number of children and acceptable strategies for them to get out of the situation if, due to health reasons, the conception or birth of a child does not occur.

But it often happens that, having lived together for quite a long time, a husband and wife suddenly find out that one of them cannot or does not want to have offspring. And even the positions themselves may turn out to be different: one partner is ready to maintain a relationship without children, while for the other they are a priority.

In this situation, before thinking about how to save the family, you need to understand that it is extremely difficult to change the values and principles of an adult. And perhaps it would be more honest to let go of the spouse who retains the opportunity to have children. But, of course, such decisions can only be made by the person himself, individually.

How to revive relationships and save a family: advice from psychologists

Of course, it is always better to engage in prevention than to treat an already advanced disease. But qualified psychologists, based on their practical experience, have formulated a number of tips on how you can restore relationships with your husband or wife, even on the verge of divorce.

Rule 1: Don't reproach or conflict

Firstly, it is necessary to realize that, regardless of the initiator of the break, both spouses contributed to the crisis of the family system. And it's not even 50/50! Each partner is 100% responsible for their marriage and the quality of the relationship in it.

If you really want to save your family, then you need to distract yourself from the accumulated grievances and tune in to a constructive dialogue. It is very important to hear your partner’s needs that are not met in marriage, and to voice your vision of the situation and ways out of it without accusations or aggression.

This should be preceded by deep self-awareness, analysis of the history of marital relations, knowledge of one’s own characteristics and the “love language” of the spouse. It is useful to take a break and try to move into the position of an outside observer, the position “above the fray.”

Rule 2: Talk to your partner

Moreover, devote significant time to the dialogue, plan and agree with your spouse on the opportunity to talk frankly without witnesses or interference. Sometimes it makes sense to do this on neutral territory.

When preparing for a serious conversation with a partner, it is recommended to bring yourself into a relatively (as far as possible in the situation) calm state.

It is very valuable if spouses can avoid generalizations: “It’s always like this!”, “How many times has this already happened!”, and focus on solving specific problems.

When voicing “painful issues,” it is important to adhere to the principle of “I-statements” and separate the person and his actions.

Compare options:

- You are so-and-so! You can’t... and - I feel offended when you do...
- How many times have you promised... How can you be like this...? and – I need to trust you and know that you will keep your promises! What can we change to...?

Psychologists know that a frank, honest and constructive dialogue without reproaches and aggression is even capable of such a miracle as getting your husband or wife back after a divorce.

Rule 3: Assign responsibilities

Family crises, including those based on problems with everyday life and finances, are often caused by an imbalance in the workload of spouses or an imbalance in the “take-give” balance in relationships.

Perhaps the time has come to reconsider mutual agreements, redistribute workload, and make concessions. Or maybe some of the responsibilities should be reduced or outsourced? Sometimes it’s better to sleep on unironed sheets and make do with dumplings a couple of times a week than to collapse from fatigue at the end of the day, hating each other.

Rule 4: Don't discuss family problems with friends and relatives

The famous blogger Martha Ketro once wittily remarked that she knows only one meaning of the word “treason”: it is a betrayal of interests similar to high treason.

By involving someone else in your family secrets and problems (even your beloved mother!), you humiliate your partner, exposing the most secret and intimate things to the judgment of others, even people interested in your happiness.

And even more so, you shouldn’t do this if there are problems in the family. You need to talk about them with your spouse and only with him!

Remember that the participation of children of any age in sorting out the relationship between spouses is strictly excluded!

If partners cannot communicate constructively without reproaches and insults, then it is worth considering the mediation of an experienced psychologist.

Rule 5: Show interest in your partner's affairs

It is possible that the “love boat” has leaked because you have long ceased to be interested in your loved one, believing that you have known everything about him for a long time. But a person changes! And life goes on as usual! Indifference is one of the most powerful insults to a loved one.

Reproach “You are not paying attention to me!” voiced more often by women. And men can remain silent, but draw conclusions.

A real case is described when a patient of a famous psychologist shared that he decided to divorce over the weekend. He spent three days going to the garage early in the morning and returning late in the evening. The reason was heavy thoughts about a problematic situation at work. To think it over, he “ran away” to tinker with the car. Including changing the tires on my wife’s car. And he was surprised to notice that no one was interested in his absence. My wife called only once in three days, asking for a transfer of money for shopping.

Therefore, a necessary step if the question is how to improve relations with your husband on the verge of a possible divorce is a deep analysis of whether you have lost sight of your spouse’s affairs and concerns?

Rule 6: Change the scenery

Joint trips, a shared vacation, or at least a weekend together help to overcome the addictive swamp of routine, pay attention to each other, and find time for sincere conversations and dialogue.

Think about it, is there an opportunity to send your children to relatives or on a trip, take a break from work, turn off gadgets and be truly together?

Rule 7: Take time for yourself

Everyone in the family needs their own space, time and security of personal boundaries.

While pursuing marriage and children, women often forget about themselves, their self-development, hobbies, interests, and needs. And then they are surprised that in the routine of everyday life they lose that spark for which their partner once fell in love with them.

A reliable way to save a marriage is to follow the advice of psychologists, constantly giving yourself the opportunity to develop, be interesting and filled with vital energy.

Rule 8: Be grateful

Try to objectively consider everything positive that your partner gives you, thank him and tell him that you appreciate it, although, unfortunately, you have long forgotten to report this.

Gratitude is not just words. In return, try to please your spouse with surprises, positivity and humor, and unexpected pleasant little things.

Rule 9: Relive memories together

When a married couple faces a crisis, mutual claims and grievances can erase the positive joint baggage that was acquired during the happy years of marriage. Therefore, it makes sense to find a way to refresh the memories of those bright, warm, unusual, important precious moments that connect your couple.

This could be a joint trip to where you met or spent your honeymoon. View videos and photos from the family archive. Going to a concert by a band you were both into, or a couple's night at karaoke with a selection of hits from your youth. This technique is well shown in the comedy “Love in the City,” where the hero takes his ex-wife to McDonald’s, which was the only cafe they could afford in their student youth, and plays the song to which they danced for the first time.

What makes you live together?

Emotional attachment to a partner can be so strong that a person is simply unable to let go of his wife (husband). Sometimes it is unbearable for a spouse to even imagine her, even a former partner, with another person. In such a union, we are already talking about an unhealthy psyche in one of the couple.

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And in this case, getting a divorce is much more difficult; often the dominant partner uses all the levers that can keep his wife or husband. Such an unhealthy marriage will eventually fall apart, and the sooner you part with such an owner, the better. You will keep yourself and your children healthy, because constant nagging, jealousy, and scandals do not lead to anything good. Children in such a marriage experience a feeling of guilt, misunderstanding, loneliness, and parents have no time for their children because of the squabbles.

If we talk about completely normal relationships, where partners have lost their feelings, but still do not dare to break up, then this most likely comes from some inertia and even laziness. After all, it is far from easy to change your life. You will have to go to an apartment if you don’t have your own place to live. Not everyone wants to move in with their parents, especially with children, and parents are not always happy about this turn of events.

Perhaps one of the spouses depends financially on the other; more often, these are women. Many women tolerate a tyrant husband for the sake of finances. At the same time, the children and the woman herself suffer, her self-esteem falls catastrophically, because the husband does not neglect the opportunity to reproach his wife that he provides for her and she is “worthless” without him. In addition, children, seeing such an attitude towards their mother, may also treat her with some contempt. As a result, the family turns into a quarrelsome, tangled knot where they do not know what mutual respect is.

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Family psychologist as a mediator in the dialogue between husband and wife

Unfortunately, so far in Russia the practice of regularly contacting a family psychologist is the exception rather than the rule.

Our compatriots are embarrassed and afraid of such help, often resorting to it when the divorce is “tomorrow” and the relationship is so damaged that the specialist is only expected to confirm that “it’s all his/her fault.”

In fact, qualified help from a psychologist is a wonderful way to build a constructive dialogue with the help of an independent mediator on neutral territory and in conditions of confidentiality and maximum support.

How to make the right decision: leave or stay?

There is no love, family life is bursting at the seams, what needs to be done to improve the situation? It’s easy to destroy everything and leave, but before you do this you need to answer yourself a few questions:

What will it bring? You need to answer truthfully, without taking into account the advice and tips of relatives, friends and colleagues. Life is our own and only we need to make such an important decision ourselves. You should write down your own answer on paper. It is worth returning to this question after a while and writing down the answer again. Now we compare the answers and think about how honest each of them was;

What needs to be done to leave the family, and what to stay in it? Again he sincerely writes down the answer. We draw up an action plan with deadlines. We return to the plan a day later, make adjustments, correct something.

A plan to get out of the situation appears in hand. There is a difficult conversation ahead with your significant other. You shouldn’t put it off until someday; once the decision is made, there is no turning back. It’s worth preparing for the conversation.

Dedicated to my husband

Tips for your spouse

A man is strength, the head of the family. To save his family, he will have to turn the situation around, this will require patience, perseverance, humor, and intelligence. You simply must know everything that your significant other lives and is interested in. Important advice from a psychologist and main tasks:

Golden rules

Make your wife happy! Flowers, sweets just like that, for no reason. Take an interest in her affairs and hobbies. Become a caring spouse. Praise her for her cooking, give unobtrusive compliments to her appearance, nail polish, and hairstyle. You will be surprised what effect this will have.