Envy: how to stop envying - what is white and black envy and how to deal with it

“My friend has a good husband, but I still go around as a girl...”
“Petya and I studied at the same faculty, with the same teachers. Petya became a top manager, and I’ve been teaching computer science to schoolchildren for three years now...”
“Olesya has chocolate with strawberries, but I have without...”

And much, much more comes out of the mouths of people of different ages, different genders, different nationalities, cultures, religions, etc. daily, hourly, every minute, or does not come out, but remains in the head, but is definitely generated. Yes, believe me, if you have noticed envy of other people and you feel ashamed (or not), you are not alone. This feeling is universal.

Scientists from different countries who have studied the feeling of envy have identified several important and interesting facts:

Envy is a social feeling. It is associated with decision making, memory, analysis of faces, gestures, and information.
Young people are the social group most susceptible to this feeling. But with age, this feeling becomes dull.
Envy is mostly same-sex. It is rare for a man to envy a woman or a woman to envy a man. In addition, as a rule, we envy peers of the same sex.
Envy, like most other negative emotions, causes various health problems.

Let's figure out what envy is, why it arises, what it is like, and how to get rid of it. By the way, if you are interested in observing your mental state, controlling it and consciously approaching your emotions, we recommend taking our online program “Mental Self-Regulation”, where in fascinating classes for 20-30 minutes a day you will become a real emotional guru, get rid of apathy, anxiety and fears.

Envy - what kind of infection is this?

Ushakov's dictionary offers the following definition of envy: “A feeling of annoyance caused by the superiority, well-being of another, the desire to have what another has.” As can be seen from the definition, envy is, first of all, a negative feeling, it is “annoyance.” And this is the first reason why you should not abuse it.

By the way, we would probably challenge the second part of Ushakov’s definition. This unpleasant feeling does not always arise because of the lack of what others have. Envy can also arise in the case of possessing any object. However, it becomes unpleasant precisely because another person has the same object. This is understandable, because in this situation, a person is deprived of that exclusivity, individuality that distinguished him from those around him.

An important point: envy does not arise out of nowhere. It is always based on comparison and juxtaposition. Only by comparing ourselves with someone can we draw a conclusion: are we happy or not, satisfied with our life, with ourselves or not.

Now let’s see what types of envy exist and analyze this feeling.

Put a point

In psychology there is such a thing as “unfinished gestalt.” Until we are one hundred percent sure that the relationship is over, we blindly believe in its continuation. Your ex-partner has resolved the situation for himself and is already building a relationship, but it’s hard for you to come to terms with this because you are not yet emotionally ready to let the person go. Try to break this emotional connection. If resentment towards your ex has crept in, find the strength to forgive him, thank him for the experience and leave only the best memories. Your journey together is now complete, stop creating illusions. Clinging to memories is a direct path to self-destruction. As soon as you understand this, a different life will begin for you.

Colors and forms of envy

Surely you know that envy is divided into black and white. With black envy, we experience negative emotions, get angry and indignant that someone else is living better, although often we don’t even try to honestly answer the question: “Do I need this?” After all, sometimes something bright, colorful, catchy attracts, drowning out the mind, only “I want” appears, but in fact this object does not carry any fundamental value.

Black envy arises when others are “to blame” for our failures, failures, when we shift responsibility for our lives to others. Most often it affects people who are passive, lazy, or procrastinating. However, it also happens that perfectionists who achieve success “sick” with envy, but never admit it and are in a state of “race” all their lives, because you can always do better...

White envy differs from black envy, first of all, in that we are able to realize and accept our feeling. Another cardinal difference is the absence of a negative message, because with white envy there is no irritation or anger. We calmly accept and live with the fact that someone has more of something. White envy is a sign of a spiritually developed, full-fledged personality, because... it is synonymous with mild admiration. Who said that admiring others is prohibited?

Speaking about envy from the outside, let us highlight the forms of its manifestation:

sarcastic jokes;
criticism;
criticism on the Internet (as a more aggressive and less responsible form of criticism);
boredom of the interlocutor, reluctance to discuss your successes and victories;
negative perception of plans, ideas, initiatives that interest you, etc.

In the Christian religion, envy is one of the seven deadly sins. However, let's think: is the devil as terrible as he is painted? Maybe there is something good?

The negative impact of envy on health

Envy depletes the psyche and, as a result, has a detrimental effect on physical health. Let us consider the mechanism of this effect.

Being envious, a person experiences a feeling of inferiority, which can give rise to depression, accompanied by passive aggression and anger towards more fortunate people. Against the backdrop of these toxic emotions, gloating develops; the envious person begins to take pleasure when the other person fails. This method of increasing self-esteem is false and leads to internal devastation and apathy.

The companions of envy - disappointment, depression, irritation, anger, hatred - begin to destroy physically. The body reacts to negative thoughts and feelings in the following ways:

Depression causes bowel and lung problems, with symptoms including constipation, low blood oxygen levels and difficulty breathing.
Irritation affects the skin: hives or other forms of rash may appear, psoriasis and eczema may worsen. When in a state of irritation and stress, the body produces the hormone cortisol, which causes the glands to produce more subcutaneous fat, which leads to acne and other skin problems.
Hatred affects heart health and stimulates the development of tachycardia, hypertension and chest pain.
Anger and frustration have negative effects on the eyes, gallbladder and liver. Congestion in these organs and problems with detoxification may occur, cholesterol may increase, and digestion may worsen due to unbalanced bile secretion.

There is evidence that negative emotions have a detrimental effect on the body's immune system. This means that an envious person, who is usually in a bad mood, feels angry, sad or stressed, is more likely to get sick from ARVI, flu or herpes.

Envy also leads to defensive reactions such as sarcasm, contempt, snobbery and narcissism, with the help of which the envious person tries to minimize the existential threat created by other people's advantages. This leads to the loss of friends and allies, and the erosion of even the closest relationships. The resulting bitterness and melancholy can provoke bodily reactions and manifest themselves in the form of:

insomnia;
excessive fatigue;
weight loss or gain;
back and neck pain;
sexual dysfunction.

In addition, envy literally causes physical pain. This was shown by a scientific experiment, which consisted of the following: subjects were asked to imagine themselves in a situation where they encountered more successful, wealthy and influential people and envied them. At the same time, a brain scan of the experimental group was performed. When people felt jealous, areas of the brain involved in registering physical pain were activated.

The more envious the subjects were, “the more vigorously the pain nodes in the anterior cingulate cortex and related areas flared up.” In other words, the brain was actually registering physical pain similar to that experienced by grief-stricken people.

An envious person under stress may have a tendency to smoke and drink alcohol, which ultimately has a negative impact on physical well-being. Even if a person leads a healthy lifestyle, mood disturbances and negative emotions negate the benefits of a balanced diet, adequate sleep and regular exercise.

Envy - is it always bad?

Of course, black envy is terrible. This is a destructive message that destroys your energy. Think for yourself: you begin to envy, become indignant, a feeling of inferiority matures inside you, because you are “worse than others,” shame appears for your envy, you give up, and the desire to create, create, conquer something is turned off. But understand: this very message is a storehouse of energy, a powerful impulse that can charge and inspire. Hence the conclusion: envy can be used.

If you try to see the constructive nature of this feeling, it turns out that envy carries serious energy potential. So, our basic advice is to use envy for the sake of competition, to be charged with the feeling “I want to have the same thing and the same amount!”, To receive benefits and benefits from this emotion. Envy is an impulse to action, a challenge to oneself, an engine of progress to some extent. Therefore, know how to direct this feeling in the right direction.

However, don't get carried away. Here there is a high probability of gambling interest turning into imitation. Don't lose your uniqueness.

What if black envy overcomes you without the ability to use it correctly? Next, let's look at tips to get rid of this unpleasant feeling:

Stop comparing yourself to others

You have your own life, your own path, your own life circumstances and events. You are walking along an unbeaten road, and who knows, maybe one day the road will lead you to a place where you will be the best in the world? Then no person can be the object of your envy. And this doesn’t matter, because to reach such a conclusion you will again have to compare and measure. But our advice still sounds like this: don’t compare! Strive for the best and compare only to yourself. This is the best option at any given time.

“I have many advantages!”

And it's true, everyone has them. Yes, someone may sing like a nightingale, someone plays basketball better than LeBron James, and someone cooks amazing pasta. But you also definitely have talent that can be envied. Ask yourself: “What is worthwhile about me?” What am I capable of, what am I disposed to? If you find it difficult to answer this question, we offer you two options:

First, start doing something that attracts you, learn it. This is a reason to acquire a new skill, unlock your potential, and achieve success. And secondly, take our online “Self-Knowledge” program to better understand yourself, identify your strengths and set points for development.

A tape of pleasant memories

There were definitely times in the past when you felt nice, happy and didn’t need anything more. Remember them more often - it’s like an ointment on the wound of envy, because when we remember something good, immerse ourselves in that moment, indignation and annoyance disappear, positive emotions take the place of negative ones. You can even write down or draw this moment on a piece of paper so that your concentration intensifies and your thoughts materialize.

Love your enemy

Now let's do a little psychological procedure. Remember who you were jealous of the last time, mentally imagine this person and admire him. Give him something nice, make him happy, smile at him without falsehood or hypocrisy. Give him positive emotions, even if you think he doesn't deserve it. This greatly helps to raise self-esteem, look more worthy in your own eyes, appear as a benefactor, and, accordingly, get rid of envy.

We also suggest that you think about whether everything is really good with this person? Maybe not everything is so rosy for him, and in reality it is he who has reasons to envy you, and not vice versa?

Take action

An obvious fact: the one who does what he loves, the one who feeds on the energies of his ideas, the anticipated future successes, the one who achieves victories, has fewer reasons for envy. Work hard, work on yourself. If someone succeeds in something, look at it from a positive point of view: I can do it too, I can do it, I will learn. Write down in detail your plan for achieving the desired result, think through as many little details as possible, accept mistakes and learn from them. Distract your mind, don’t let it get clogged with other people’s stories. Set yourself up for action, not procrastination.

These are the tips we recommend you implement into your life to get rid of envy. We also recommend watching this video with a recording of a conversation with psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky:

Surround yourself with happy people

Take a look around. At work, at home, on the street, in the store - there will be wonderful people everywhere, which means there are new opportunities and acquaintances ahead. Concentrate your attention on them, don’t think about the bad, dream and think about new plans for the future. This technique will help you take your mind off thoughts about your ex and fill the spiritual gap with the necessary emotions. It's time to do what you dreamed of, but couldn't decide to do. Now your actions do not need your partner's approval. Start with a change of scenery, take a vacation and go on a trip.

People are not property

The feeling of jealousy most often arises from the desire to possess a person. Once you were connected by feelings, this man was always at hand at your disposal. The thought of your “property” being owned by someone else is fearful. Accept the fact of the breakup. Separate yourself from this person. Each of you is a separate person, with the right to make new acquaintances.

Love yourself

The news of a new love stage in the life of an ex-man may come as a surprise. Even if there is no talk of reconciliation. A feeling of envy and injustice arises towards you: “Why is he happy when you are suffering.” Envy makes you think there is something wrong with you. It seems to you that the other one is much more beautiful, smarter, sexy. A feeling of self-doubt appears and self-esteem suffers.

The first thing you need to do is stop comparing yourself. Every person has advantages that outweigh all disadvantages. Think about yours, or better yet, write them down on a piece of paper as a reminder. Allow yourself the simple joys of life: go to the movies, change your hairstyle, hair color, join a gym, visit a spa salon and finally buy a dress you've been dreaming of for a long time.

First of all, change for yourself, and not with the goal of proving to your ex that you are better than his new passion.

The main person in your life is you. And as soon as you realize this, your ex-man will lose significance for you.