Betrayal. Treason. What terrible words. It seems that the world has collapsed, that nothing good will ever happen in life. A whole whirlpool of experiences captures the woman entirely. Someone regrets the lost years, wasted on the traitor and the time he did not appreciate. Someone suffers from misunderstanding and confusion, from resentment. Others worry about what friends and relatives will say about their family. And some try to find support from strangers. But no one can give a woman disappointed in her spouse the only correct advice. Only she herself can solve her problem; no one knows better than her how to live further.
Tips on how to survive your wife's betrayal. How to survive betrayal: Scheme of events
The fact of betrayal is a point of no return.
After everything happened, it will definitely be bad for everyone. To everyone - the traitor, the one who was cheated on, and the one with whom they cheated. This article is for those who have become victims of betrayal. There are many options for further developments. What do you have? You may think that betrayal is everywhere and always betrayal, but no. What you do depends on how events develop. Answer the questions to understand where you are now.
- Do you have evidence of treason, or just suspicions?
- Did your husband admit to cheating on you or did you find out about it yourself?
- Does your husband know that you know about the affair?
- Has the relationship ended or is it still ongoing?
- What intentions does the husband express?
To understand how to proceed, you need to know exactly what “coordinate system” you are in now. So now stop shedding tears and start planning your life.
What happens after my husband cheats?
As a result, there are four possible scenarios.
- The husband left both you and his mistress.
- The husband doesn’t leave, but he doesn’t break off the relationship either
- Your husband leaves you for his mistress.
- The husband broke up with his mistress and asks him to forgive him.
The first option - he left both his wife and his mistress - it’s just like a meteorite falling on Earth. Rare and enchanting.
The second option is a little more common. The situation is painful for all three. In terms of the level of neuroticism, it is perhaps the most harmful.
The third - the husband left for his mistress - the option is essentially terrible. But getting through it is much easier than when the husband is “undecided.” Yes, a new life has begun for you - a life in which there are no more lies.
The fourth option - your husband left his mistress for you - is one of the most difficult. It all sounds very good, but you understand that it will not be the same as before. This means that we need to build new relationships, taking into account past mistakes.
Can a mistake be forgiven?
A painful question for anyone who has been cheated on. A person often finds himself in a dual state. He wants to stop loving the offender so as not to suffer, but this does not work. Rarely does anyone decide to immediately separate from their spouse. No matter how much the resentment burns, people are in no hurry to resort to divorce. I want to understand the situation, to understand what is really happening.
READ How to forgive your wife's betrayal and move on: advice from a psychologist
There is no need to try to squeeze forgiveness out of yourself. If a person comes to this, then it will be a personal decision, rather an exception to the rule, rather than something universal. Mental pain cannot be overcome quickly. It will take a lot of time and patience, colossal efforts on the part of the one who suffered the disappointment. You need to forgive from the heart and only when the situation deserves it.
Forgive or leave your cheating wife. Is it possible to forgive your wife's betrayal?
Should you forgive your wife's infidelity? For various reasons, a woman can make this mistake. But the “glue” that binds their relationship, if the spouses value them and have a reason to preserve the marriage, often gives rise to the desire to correct and rebuild the relationship. If it is not there, if the wife, by this betrayal, only sought to find an additional reason to break off the relationship, to aggravate the problem, to make the unspoken obvious - perhaps the marriage has already “died”, and there is nothing left to save.
A man needs to ask himself whether to forgive his wife’s infidelity, without blindly following the advice of family or friends. Because they often have a personal, albeit unconscious, motive to influence the course of events. This is how hidden revenge can manifest itself, which is often expressed in actively pushing for divorce, inciting problems and pseudo-participation. Or the person himself is left alone and is trying to impose the same life scenario on you, so as not to perceive himself so lonely, to strengthen his life strategy through you.
A man needs to look at his wife’s infidelity as an illustration of a crisis in marriage, a crisis created not by the wife on her own, but with their mutual participation. Figure out what you expect from your partnership, why didn’t you talk about this earlier, what needs to be introduced into your relationship to make cheating impossible in the future? This will allow you not only to sort out this problem, but will also enrich your family life. Sometimes, even if the marriage could not be saved, the analysis of this problem is useful to the man in the next relationship, and prevents similar difficulties in the new partnership, since they often depend on the man as well.
There is a categorical opinion that a person who has cheated once will definitely continue to cheat. And the man here experiences fear of the unknown, disorder, and lack of control in life with this woman. Sometimes, even when loving, he can experience the loss of trust so strongly that he decides to break off the relationship and remain single, and only after a while build a relationship, while choosing the most predictable woman as a partner.
A man more often experiences betrayal, like the betrayal of a partner in business - when he let him down and found his benefits on the side. Now it’s dangerous to deal with him, because where can we get guarantees that this situation will not happen again? Following logic, he forces himself to make a decision that will protect him. If this approach is close to you, then it is worth examining the directness and honesty in the woman’s behavior, not trying to exaggerate and denigrate her actions, not inflating the image of possible future problems, and also think purely logically about what needs she tried to satisfy on the side. It is possible that in your partnership her interests were infringed; she could not get something extremely important for her. Only by determining what it is will you begin to judge the situation more objectively.
After betrayal
There is one more situation that we have not considered separately - this is female revenge for an insult, inattention or male betrayal. Even a mature wife is capable of this, but what are the consequences of such a step?
How to survive your wife's betrayal and divorce. How to survive a divorce from your wife if you still love
Most psychologists are convinced that the female and male halves of the population perceive separation from their chosen ones differently due to the presence of natural differences in the psyche between the sexes. However, such a structure of humanity does not allow us to believe that men react to a breakup less painfully and acutely.
The external restraint in expressing feelings among representatives of a strong part of humanity has its own reasons. After all, almost all male children from birth are taught the axiom by their parents, other adults around them, teachers in preschool institutions, and teachers in educational institutions that men should not cry and do not clearly demonstrate their own emotions. This statement is firmly established in the subconscious of men and leaves an imprint on the rest of their lives. It manifests itself in any life situations, including gender relationships.
So, how is it easier to survive a divorce from your wife? How can they get out of the situation of relationship breakdown with the least consequences?
At first, it is recommended not to rush into starting a new love affair. You must first survive the divorce with dignity so that the next attempt will be more successful. It is also necessary to focus your own strengths and aspirations on goals that will not have a connection with a love relationship. Such goals could be a career, hunting, sports, or cars. The main thing is that the hobby is really interesting to the man.
At the same time, it is recommended to spend time and your own energy analyzing the current situation. You should think about what could have pushed your ex-wife to take such a serious step. After all, many women, with the help of their “visits to mom,” constant packing of suitcases and threats of divorce, are simply trying to somehow influence their husband or change something in his behavior. Therefore, you need to try to remember all the claims of the spouse against the partner. After all, it is quite likely that by eliminating them, you can return your beloved “prodigal” wife home and direct the further development of relationships in a completely different direction, in which there will be no place for endless insults and scandals, but love and harmony will reign.
Whatever your state of mind, it is not recommended to grab a bottle and drown your own grief in a glass. The relief that alcoholic drinks provide is an illusion. Alcohol can only weaken a man emotionally. There is also no need to run to your comrades for advice. After all, male friends will not understand the torment of an abandoned husband. Most likely, they will simply say that all ladies are the same, and therefore they should not worry too much about the breakup, but it is better to quickly forget the one who did not appreciate their friend. After all, there are many women in the world. However, if love still lives in your heart, then it will be very difficult to forget your spouse. Therefore, after analyzing the situation and obtaining a fairly clear understanding of the reasons for what happened, you should try to talk with your loved one. When talking with your chosen one, you don’t need to give her meaningless promises that cannot be fulfilled. It is necessary to try to find a compromise, and also find out whether love remains in her heart, what she generally feels for her ex-husband, the reason for her leaving. The beloved’s answers will demonstrate the presence or absence of chances for the return of the former relationship. And most importantly, they will help the man understand what exactly she really lacked.
Men and women's infidelity
Everyone knows: a man is an owner. He is so constructed that he cannot help but be tormented by the question of why his wife’s lover is better than him. The realization that she slept with someone else is a real trauma for the male psyche. The spouse will always mentally return to the situation of betrayal and experience suffering every time.
A few years ago, a series was released where the main character’s wife cheated on him with a friend. What to do in such a situation? The woman soon realized that she was mistaken. She chose family and repented to her husband. But many years passed, and there was not a single day when our hero did not ask about the ill-fated Taras (that was the name of his once best friend).
In moments of intimacy, the man was tormented by suspicions that his wife was much better off in bed with Taras than with him. There was a loss of trust in the relationship, irritation and aggression appeared. What pushes women to risk marriage?
Will the husband forgive his wife's betrayal? Why do wives forgive infidelity?
Often in TV series and films they show men who cheated only once “by accident”; in life everything is different. This comes from internal motives:
- Excitement;
- Interest;
- Idle curiosity;
- Consumer attitude towards women.
The reasons may also vary, but in most cases, betrayal occurs if nothing has ever been truly lost or there is a lack of understanding of values. All this leads to more and more deviations from marriage.
Yes, women forgive, but not everything and not always. There are reasons for this too. And in order to forgive, we recommend reading the article: How to tell your wife about your betrayal?
Women in marriage cheat much less often than men, because they feel responsible for the family (exceptions do happen, but rarely). In addition to those 20% who are ready to forgive almost immediately, treating it with understanding, naively believing the spouse who claims that this offense is isolated and will not happen again, there are 80% among whom it is much more difficult to forgive betrayal; more often they keep this situation in their heads until they finally switch to a distraction. They don’t give a damn about adventures, fighting with themselves, the reasons are as follows:
- Financial dependence of her and her children on him;
- Status;
- Minor children whom the man treats well and interacts with them;
- Fears and phobias haunting a lonely woman;
- Restoring relationships through the husband’s persistence, guaranteeing that the crime will not be repeated;
- Banal feelings that have not yet cooled down.
About the last one. Incredibly, some women also forgive because they acutely feel love for their spouse, they experience the pain and move on. As a rule, this is true love that does not see barriers or opposition. But! In our century, this is 1 case in a million, therefore, dear men, we will exclude guarantees, besides, we all know that there are no excuses for infidelity, no matter under what circumstances it was committed (molestation by a mistress, while drunk or intoxicated needs…).
Sometimes a woman forgives after she has taken revenge on her husband by cheating on him. We have a separate material on this topic: Why do wives cheat on their husbands?
To confess or not
If the spouses have always had a close, trusting relationship, the woman is determined to be recognized. She thinks it will be better this way. Often the wife asks to forgive the betrayal, hoping for a positive outcome. Or he strives to share it with a close friend or relatives in order to alleviate suffering. Is this the right step?
The most important thing here is that hope for forgiveness can be a utopia. Men are not only owners. By nature, they are much less afraid of loneliness than women. Most of them do not accept betrayal and are not ready to forgive it.
When deciding to confess, you need to be prepared for any outcome, even separation. If you want to save your family, you need to analyze the situation and draw the right conclusions. You should not share it with your loved ones, so as not to provoke a situation where your spouse finds out about what happened from someone else’s mouth.
It is very important to forgive yourself and ask your spouse for forgiveness. But only in thoughts and always sincerely. Believers can go to church and repent before God. Only genuine repentance will guarantee that this will not happen again; this is the wife’s first and last betrayal.
How to forgive your wife's betrayal - Orthodoxy. Adultery. What's in the Bible about this?
THE BIBLE'S VIEWPOINT Adultery Although fidelity in marriage is a universally accepted virtue, many families are torn apart due to adultery. What is adultery? WHAT PEOPLE SAY In some cultures, cheating, especially by a husband, is not considered something wrong. In addition, not everyone views marriage as a lifelong union. WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS In the Bible, adultery, or adultery, generally refers to the voluntary sexual intercourse of a married person—man or woman—with someone other than his or her spouse (Job 24:15; Proverbs 30:20). Adultery is an abomination in the eyes of God. In ancient Israel, such an act was punishable by death (Leviticus 18:20, 22, 29). Jesus Christ made it clear that his followers should not commit adultery (Matthew 5:27, 28; Luke 18:18-20). WHY THIS IS IMPORTANT Anyone who cheats on their life partner is breaking the oath of fidelity they swore on their wedding day. Such a person also sins against God (Genesis 39:7-9). Cheating can separate children from their parents. Moreover, the Bible warns that “God will judge...adulterers” (Hebrews 13:4). “Let marriage be honored in all, and the bed not be defiled” (Hebrews 13:4). Does cheating break marital ties? WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS If one spouse has committed adultery, the Bible allows the innocent party to end the marriage (Matthew 19:9). This means that upon learning of the affair, the innocent spouse has the right to decide whether to continue the marriage or file for divorce. This is a decision a person must make for himself (Galatians 6:5). On the other hand, God considers marriage to be a sacred lifelong union (1 Corinthians 7:39). He hates it when someone files for divorce for a minor reason, such as simply not being happy with their life partner. Therefore, divorce should not be taken lightly (Malachi 2:16; Matthew 19:3-6). “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife for reasons other than her infidelity causes her to commit adultery” (Matthew 5:32, Sense Translation). Is adultery an unforgivable sin? WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS No. The Bible says that God shows mercy to those who repent and stop sinning. These sins include adultery (Acts 3:19; Galatians 5:19-21). The Bible tells of men and women who stopped cheating on their spouses and later became friends of God (1 Corinthians 6:9-11). God showed mercy to David, the king of ancient Israel. David committed adultery with the wife of one of his military commanders (2 Samuel 11:2-4). The Bible says: “What David did was evil in the sight of Jehovah” (2 Samuel 11:27). Having received reproach, David repented, and God forgave him. But David could not escape the tragic consequences of his action (2 Samuel 12:13, 14). The wise King Solomon later noted that he who “commits adultery... has no understanding heart” (Proverbs 6:32). WHAT YOU CAN DO If you have committed adultery, you need to ask forgiveness from God, as well as from your life partner (Psalm 51:1-5). Learn to hate betrayal just as God hates it (Psalm 97:10). Be determined to reject pornography, immoral fantasies, flirting—anything that might arouse inappropriate interest in someone you are not married to (Matthew 5:27, 28; James 1:14, 15). If you experience betrayal, rest assured that God understands your feelings (Malachi 2:13, 14). Ask him for comfort and guidance, and he will encourage you (Psalm 55:22). If you decide to forgive your partner and save your marriage, you both need to work hard to repair the relationship (Ephesians 4:32). “Jehovah forgives your sin,” the prophet Nathan told David when he repented of adultery (2 Samuel 12:13). jw.org/en.
You can’t forgive: the majority opinion
Female infidelity is the end of a relationship. Many people think so, because they do not see prospects for the further development of a normal family union. Among the adherents of this point of view, the majority are men. Let's consider their arguments:
I can’t come to terms: what should I do?
You have a conflict with yourself - you understand how wrong a loved one acted, and you still experience resentment.
Every day your thoughts return to the day when you found out about the betrayal. This again increases negative emotions,
and memory does not let you forget.
- Try to control your thoughts and stop them. As soon as you start thinking about cheating, say stop.
- If you cannot forget, it means that the situation has not been fully processed.
- Go to a family psychologist, it’s better to do it together.
If your attitudes and character do not allow you to completely forgive, then think about whether you really should live together.
Unresolved situation
ultimately leads to new conflicts and accusations.
Relationships will continue to break down
. In some cases, ending a relationship and starting a new life is the most optimal solution for both spouses.
How to survive your wife's betrayal? Priest's opinion:
Inna Ignatieva
Psychologist
Infidelity can be physical, emotional or spiritual. Betrayal has always had the character of an all-consuming and uncontrollable feeling that clouds consciousness and does not allow one to act adequately in the current situation.
And, if a man’s betrayal in the family is more of a physiological nature (many have heard about male polygamy), then female betrayal has a completely different face.
Women are more emotional, which means the reason they cheat on their men is the emotional vacuum in the relationship. And this is the most important reason today.
And, no matter how much we would like to believe that sexual dissatisfaction can lead a woman to the decisive step of infidelity, this is more the prerogative of men, therefore, even if this is the reason in the female case, it is much less common and still conceals deeper processes.
Such as monotony in relationships, lack of mutual understanding, psychological support, warmth from the spouse, as well as a woman’s lack of self-confidence, as an intrapersonal conflict.
Very often a woman takes revenge on her offender in this way and, out of jealousy, cheats on him in return.
And, I would like to say about one more reason that exists - a woman’s unrealized fantasies.
After all, it often happens that a woman is happy in marriage, and everything suits her with this man in everyday life, what kind of father he is to the children, what kind of friend and helper he is to her, but in her intimate fantasies she always dreamed of a certain style of behavior of a man, but he doesn’t he simply cannot know, and acts in his usual way until they sincerely talk about it, which not all women decide to do.
It is important to note that a woman during a new love relationship simply experiences an explosion of emotions: the level of adrenaline rises, there is a surge in the production of a whole bunch of “hormones of happiness, pleasure and love” - endorphins, dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin. This has a beneficial effect on the overall well-being of a woman.
A new love affair brings a completely different breath of fresh air, as a result of which the woman becomes prettier and literally radiates a stream of positive energy, which is impossible not to notice and which cannot be said in case of male infidelity.
As a rule, such a hormonal surge is quite limited and lasts no more than 7 months (sometimes 9). But it cannot be said that at this time the woman is absolutely happy and nothing else bothers her.
As a rule, she is tormented by doubts, tormented by feelings of guilt, resentment towards her husband, trying to justify her behavior, and this brings her a lot of emotional distress.
At the same time, the woman mentally blames her husband: for the coldness in the relationship, for her existence in his life, which he perceives as a given, for the reluctance to work on the relationship and correct mistakes, for the lack of vision of the problem as such.
She becomes abrupt and irritable, for no apparent reason, because she cannot tell him. And this leads to even greater problems in the family.
It is, of course, impossible for a spouse not to notice this or to pretend that everything is fine. And here one of two possible solutions to the current situation is brewing: to break off the established relationship (and the person has already become a relative, and it is extremely difficult to do this), or to decide to live with it, but how is an equally important question.
In any case, I would first advise you to calm down, so as not to add too much to the emotional storm that has overwhelmed you. Now you need to think about what could be the reason for your partner’s infidelity? Most likely, it is in you.
What could you do that would make you betrayed? Try to reconsider the situation, we all make mistakes. It is much easier to forgive a person if he made a mistake than to do it intentionally.
Perhaps she has hinted to you more than once about your lack of attention, but you did not put this at the forefront of your family's mind. Women tend to give hints, while men like to speak directly and openly.
She was simply mistaken. Forgive her as one forgives the weak. But it is also impossible to just accept and forgive, because a man is overwhelmed by a lot of emotions, including aggression and resentment, a feeling of the most sophisticated betrayal, which characterizes, among other things, the collapse of his illusion, male exclusivity.
After all, how could she do this to him, so perfect and special?! And since she did this, she must definitely be punished. And here the thirst for revenge comes first for an angry man.
Again, I would advise not to give in to momentary emotions, firstly, revenge will not help, secondly, a man may regret it later, and thirdly, there is a better way to cope with the situation.
Imagine what it must be like for the offender now? Think about WHY she could take such a step? What could have made her do this to you? After all, most likely, there were good reasons for this?
And you caused her no less pain than you are now experiencing yourself? And understand how bad it must be for your offender now if she decided to do such an ugly act?
So the reason is you! And this means that you need to cool down, realize and talk openly, and that the most important thing is to ask for forgiveness for what you have done, and I’m just sure that a return request for forgiveness will follow, after which only you two can decide how to live with it or part with it on the best terms, good traditions, without causing each other even more pain.
Be that as it may, both are to blame for all family problems. And initially, first of all, it was your mistake that led to her mistake.
Always remember this, be attentive, listen to each other and never break up!
There is an opinion in society that men are less sensitive, that they are less likely to worry about love mistakes and failures. In fact, representatives of the stronger sex suffer no less than women, they just “disguise” better. One of the most difficult questions for men is whether to forgive their chosen one for cheating. The complexity of the situation is that the man simply has nowhere to go for advice: friends and comrades, as well as parents, are unlikely to understand, and it is not proper for an adult man to complain to his mother about his wife’s behavior. Russian men are not used to visiting a psychologist, so they are left alone with their troubles. In this article we will try to find a way out and tell you how to pull yourself together and make a fateful decision.
Who perceives betrayal as a shame?
A person with the skin vector never experiences betrayal this way. For him, a huge blow would be, for example, financial loss or a demotion down the career ladder.
This cannot be controlled, since unconscious internal innate programs come into play. The anal vector has a complex psyche. And the hardest thing for such people is to forgive betrayal. Moreover, they are focused on the past and love to delve into it.
And you do not tolerate lies, because you yourself are very decent. And there are other people around, not always honest and faithful. But we look at the world exclusively through our value system and demand the same from other people.
But they cannot give it. This is the same as asking a scooter to become a rocket and enter low-Earth orbit. But the scooter does not have such properties.
Your wife perceives life completely differently and enjoys it through her properties. She has a different value range. This is neither good nor bad, it is a given. We see and feel this world differently, although we are looking at the same thing.
It also seemed to thousands of people that it was impossible to forgive the betrayal of a loved one. However, this happened during the training, here are the reviews of just some of them:
Is it possible to survive betrayal and forget?
Cheating on your spouse is stressful for your husband
.
It is immediately difficult to understand and evaluate the motives for an action. It seems that the whole world has turned upside down, a loved one has betrayed, and there is no justification for this.
Is it possible to survive this? Yes, it's not easy at first.
There is a feeling of anger, indignation, resentment. You don't want to understand, you can't forgive. This is the first stage of reaction to a situation of betrayal; all people go through it.
After time it becomes easier. Much depends on how the spouses resolved this situation, whether they talked, and whether they found out the motives for the action.
Often both partners are to blame for what happened - the woman who decided to cheat and the husband who did not see the signals that later led to the act.
It is possible to survive betrayal. First of all, this work on your own condition
. If depression occurs, you need to fight it. If anger and aggression are ready to spill out, you need to find a way to stop so as not to harm yourself and other people.
The main question in this matter is whether you are ready to forgive and forget
about what happened, are you ready to trust again. It is important to understand that the relationship will no longer be the same. The love that was before will not return.
No matter how hard you try to forget, the accomplished fact will forever remain in your memory. Yes, the brightness of the event will be erased, emotions will become weaker.
You may never talk about it again, and the betrayal will never happen again. However, a slight mistrust between you will remain
, and the wife has a feeling of guilt.
A strong couple is able to survive the fact of betrayal, learn from it and not make similar mistakes again. But it all depends on both spouses, their sincere desire to maintain and improve the relationship
.
How to survive your spouse's betrayal? Psychologist's opinion:
