The guy doesn't know if he wants to date me.

Relationship. My boyfriend doesn't want to have sex or discuss this problem. What to do?

A psychologist and sexologist talk about what to do if the relationship has cooled and sex has become a routine, writes intex-press.

– I’m 25 years old, my boyfriend is 27. We’ve been together for a year. Almost immediately after we met, we started dating, and after about five months we started having problems with sex.

He began to lose desire: either he said that he did not want sex, or he simply showed with all his appearance that he was not ready. Sometimes he interrupted sexual intercourse - he said that he didn’t want to anymore or that he was tired. As a result, this led to the fact that now we both no longer want sex. We rarely make love: if I start pestering him or if he really wants it.

I insisted that we go to the doctor. The specialist said that my health is fine and this is a psychological problem - there is something that prevents the guy from having sex with me.

Because of this, I began to look for problems within myself, and my self-esteem fell. After all, I’m the one who can’t excite him.

We tried to discuss these questions, but we never found an answer to what we should do. The guy says that everything suits him, he just gets tired sometimes, that’s why he doesn’t think about sex. He says that I am exaggerating and there is no problem.

It is not clear to me why, when the relationship began, sex was regular and long, but now it has become somehow insensitive and forced. I don’t know what to do in such a situation?

Anastasia Kapustinskaya, psychologist, gestalt therapist:

— Sex is one of the facets of a relationship, so problems in sex need to be considered based on how partners treat each other.

What you should pay attention to

1. If everything “broke” at a certain point, it is important to understand what was happening in the relationship at that time. For example, were there quarrels, disputes, maybe the partners moved in together during this period. For example, if the girl insisted on moving, but the guy was not ready for this. He may lack personal space, so he may react with irritation, etc. All this is stress, which also affects the quality of sex.
2. If a partner does not admit that this is a problem for him, perhaps this is the quality and frequency of sex that is his norm. And what happened at the beginning of the relationship was too much for him.
3. Is it common for couples to talk about their feelings and experiences? Does a guy know how a girl experiences such changes? Does he know that she doesn't get enough compliments about her attractiveness and sexuality? It is important that the girl tells the guy about her experiences, explains that she does not feel desired, that her self-esteem is falling due to the fact that they are not going well in sex. Perhaps the partner will find other ways to make it clear that the girl is not indifferent to him.
4. Are there other expressions of affection between the couple? For example, kissing, hugging, touching.
5. How comfortable and safe are the conditions where partners have sex? For example, whether the doors to the room are closed, whether there are neighbors or parents in the next room. Is there an opportunity to just relax? Perhaps this fact can influence the partner’s arousal.
6. Do partners know what brings pleasure to each other: what words or touches? Can they share their sexual fantasies with each other?
7. What's going on in a guy's life outside of relationships: work, friends, parents? Perhaps there is something that takes all his energy.
8. How open can partners be with each other? Is it possible to talk about what doesn’t suit you? Is there a mutual desire to somehow fix this?

If you collect the answers to all these questions, a lot can become clearer. The main thing is to communicate not in the format of accusations, but to try to understand each other and convey your experiences. This is what brings partners together and helps improve relationships in a couple, including sex.

Vasily Shevlyakov, sexologist:

— For men and women, the reasons why they may not want sex can vary significantly. We can highlight the most common ones among men.

1. Problems in relationships. Perhaps the guy is disappointed in his girlfriend, he has accumulated irritation, he is not satisfied with the relationship, or he has unjustified expectations. This can be resolved if we sit down in front of each other and honestly discuss this issue.

2. Conflict of proximity and distance. For men, as well as for women, their own territory and the opportunity to have personal space in a relationship are very important. If there is no such opportunity, “the psyche will look for an alternative.” For example, in the expression of sexuality. After all, it is when the distance between partners increases that the illusion of greater psychological and physical freedom appears.

3. Problems with self-esteem. Sex for a man is work for results. If a guy is dissatisfied with him, he receives insufficient feedback from his partner and he fails to accomplish new “feats”, his interest decreases and anxiety about his own sexual inferiority appears. As a result, self-esteem decreases.

4. This also includes excessive concern for the partner to have good sex, but to the detriment of oneself. This situation can only be resolved if you conduct introspection and also try to communicate openly with your partner. The only caveat is that it is usually difficult for a man to admit a problem, so it is important that the partner meets halfway and helps to reveal and solve this problem.

“The guy doesn’t want to date me”: 10 useful tips in a difficult situation

“The guy doesn’t want to date me, what should I do? “This is exactly the question girls often turn to specialists with. In fact, very often men are simply afraid to take any decisive steps. Understanding this problem, you need to find the cause of its occurrence.

“The guy doesn’t want to date me, what’s wrong with me? “This is a question psychologists often hear from young girls. In order to help them quickly solve this problem, it is important to understand why a man does not want a relationship. The most basic reason is that the guy doesn’t like the girl. In this case, it is quite difficult to give any advice.

A woman must decide how much she needs this guy. The fact that a certain man doesn't like her is completely normal. Each person has his own ideal, which is capable of awakening the most tender feelings. For example, some guys only like blondes or only brunettes. Some people like plump girls, while others like very thin girls. If a woman does not meet the ideal of beauty of her chosen one, then it is very difficult to change something. Of course, you can lose weight or dye your hair, but at the same time you can lose your individuality.

Another common reason why a guy doesn’t want to date a girl is the fear of a serious relationship and responsibility. In this case, the woman should be patient. Perhaps you should talk to him. You can make sure that as many couples as possible appear in a common company. The young man will be able to see how happy people can be in a relationship.

If a guy doesn’t want to date a girl because he recently broke up with his previous girlfriend, you need to give him time. There is no need to rush things. To begin with, you can simply become a good friend for him, who will support him in difficult times. At the same time, there is absolutely no need to become “your guy” for him by attending football matches and beer bars with him. A young man should not forget that there is an attractive girl next to him. After some time, when he is ready for new feelings, she will be nearby.

The fear of relationships may be associated with fears that he will not be able to give her expensive gifts or take her to restaurants. In this case, the girl needs to somehow demonstrate that, first of all, feelings are important to her, and not the material side of the relationship. Perhaps you shouldn’t be too demanding and learn to give love, and not expect a man to show his feelings in the form of gifts and pleasant surprises. If the girl and the object of her affection have mutual friends, you can ask them to talk to him and try to convince him how honest and sincere she is with her closest people.

To understand why he doesn’t want to date a girl, sometimes you need to talk to the guy himself and ask him about it directly. This can be done by the fair sex herself, but it is better if the question is asked by one of the relatives or mutual friends.

Sometimes guys don't want to date girls because they're afraid they'll get too serious. Some representatives of the fair sex give the impression of being overly serious. They make it clear that for them the relationship is a step towards marriage. At the same time, the guy doesn’t even want to think about family and children. He is frightened by these conversations and meeting the girl’s parents just a few days after they met.

In this case, you can advise girls to be easier in communication. Don't put pressure on a man. Let everything take its course. Every guy wants ease in relationships, ease. At the initial stage of communication, you can quite afford this.

The other extreme is excessive female frivolity. Guys do not want to date girls who constantly change boyfriends and are famous for their inconstancy. Most men do not have a very good attitude towards such persons. They are happy to show a desire to meet with them, but, as a rule, they do not offer anything serious. Men are interested in conquering more unapproachable women. That is why it is always very important to take care of your reputation.

In order for a woman to be able to decide what to do next, how to lead a guy to propose a more serious relationship, she should talk to him. Of course, you shouldn’t tell him about all your experiences. You can only carefully find out why he is still alone, what kind of girls he likes.

In some cases, it is acceptable to take the initiative into your own hands. This is only possible when the girl is sure that the guy would really like to date her, but at the same time he is afraid to offer it to her. Some steps on her part will only push the man to more decisive actions.

Sometimes young people don’t want to date a girl because they consider themselves completely unprepared for any relationship. They only want to walk, enjoy life and not depend on anyone. In such cases, forcing him into a serious relationship is pointless. Even if they decide to do this, they will still feel uncomfortable. Very often such men begin to cheat and behave completely irresponsibly. No girl will like this. That is why the fair sex needs to think carefully before starting the fight for his heart. This may not be necessary. It’s better to wait for your man who will appreciate her, protect her and love her.

If a guy doesn't want to date because he has a negative attitude towards a girl, it's very difficult to convince him otherwise. This will require an enormous amount of effort and time. Perhaps it’s better for a girl to just look for another person who will love her with all her strengths and weaknesses.

In order for your chosen one to propose dating, you need to understand the reason for his reluctance to build a relationship. After this, you can take some action, or completely abandon this young man and switch your attention to another.

The guy doesn't know if he wants to date me.

Hello, Elena!

Relationships are always a territory that everyone masters to the best of their abilities and capabilities, guided by their “own compass.” But this same “compass” is usually a device that is calibrated based on the desires of the one who is guided by it. It’s a little complicated, but the essence is this: only the person himself can understand what a person wants in a relationship, based on a lot of indicators - the words and actions of oneself and one’s partner, the feelings that arise as a result of contacts, the desires that everyone in this relationship manages or fails to realize , trust between partners, respect or violation of one’s own or others’ boundaries by each partner and much more. Therefore, a question like “do you think he (she) loves me or wants something else” in their answer does not provide for the possibility of obtaining unambiguous information, especially since any information that can be provided is useless for YOUR experience or situation, since will rely on the personal history and “compass” of another person, who may not have the same experience as YOU. In other words, “what is good for a Russian is death for a German!” Something like this.

But we will try to concentrate on your desires and, perhaps, you yourself will have an answer or a hint.

You write that you have a lot in common with your boyfriend, but you also began to notice that in some situations “he annoys you” or you are bored with him, that mood swings began to happen more often and quarrels between you became longer lasting. A family psychologist would suggest that “habitual fatigue” occurs between partners, when too even relationships, without outbursts of passion (which in the absence of sexual contacts are not at all replaced by scenes of jealousy and hysterics), lack of common interests or proper trust between partners can lead to cooling sensory connections. In your case, this is even more likely, since age and hormonal rebellion, as well as the social environment, which in one way or another interfere with the romantic relationship between two lovers “pictures of reality” - stories from friends or girlfriends about successes on the love front, about personal sexual experience , real or imaginary, about the number of partnerships or fleeting connections. The feeling that life is in full swing somewhere, and we are left behind, very often interferes with the decision to respect the personal boundaries of the partner, his conditions of being together, or his ideas about how such a relationship should develop for one reason or another or moral principles. Hence the internal dissatisfaction with the development of relations between two seemingly loving and respectful people, who felt good and who understood and supported each other in joint decisions. But, since internal displeasure will definitely find a way to manifest itself outwardly, quarrels may break out where there were none before, feelings of burdensomeness in relationships with such a person may appear, it may seem that there are too many of them or it is too boring or not enough space next to them, they become “brake” on the realization of desires. Such feelings may also indicate that people have become cramped in them not only because they themselves have changed, have become more mature, more demanding of themselves and their partners, but also that the relationship does not have the trust that each partner needs. And here demands about personal boundaries may emerge - the desire to be somewhere or sometime not only with a partner, but also without him, and demands for trust in each other, which is why the jealousy that each of you has in relation to the other, obviously doesn't help.

By the way, about the fear of being alone. I think that this fear can be present in each of you in this relationship, and not just in your boyfriend. And then this fear can interfere with the understanding that the relationship itself has outlived its usefulness or the partners have outgrown such a relationship. Then either you need to work on the relationship, recognizing its problems and looking for new ways to interact in it, or you need to stop it and give the opportunity to new opportunities to appear in the lives of each of you.

But the answer to the question related to the amount of attention to a partner as an indicator of his interest in you has been worrying humanity for many, many years. And Pushkin tried to comprehend this during his lyceum period among his friends! But I think these are just attempts to justify the reluctance of one of the partners to work on the relationship! Love, in my opinion, is an equal exchange of attention and respect for each other. And if there is a imbalance in this in a relationship, it means that it is obviously unequal for the partners! And here the choice depends on the person, what is more familiar to him in his life - to be loved by others, or to give his love without expecting it in return.

So the decision and answers are still yours!

Best regards, Elena Gladkova

Rate the psychologist's answer:
Rating 5.00 (3 Votes)